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The Need for Touch

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Re: The Need for Touch

#81

Post by [deleted] »

oarsinsync wrote: post #63
saiya-jin wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are many, not 100% for this reason, but often are - unhealthy competitiveness, inability to be happy with what one currently has (clue - it won't get much better once more is achieved). Children from broken families often don't believe in long term relationships or starting family and come up with reasoning like overpopulation and actually doing good for mankind. General insecurities. Afraid of generally any co…

I grew up with loving parents and siblings, we're still a strong coherent family unit. Unhealthy competitiveness, inability to be happy with what one currently has, don't believe in ... starting [a] family, these things all apply to me. My parents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary next year. I distinctly recall my mother describing my father as her best friend about a decade ago when on the phone to one o…

[deleted]

Re: The Need for Touch

#82

Post by virmundi »

ebg13 wrote: post #80
virmundi wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you don’t want a disease, it is a real danger.

That's an irrationally fearful idea of danger. I don't want to eat broccoli, but that doesn't mean eating broccoli is dangerous.

This is an avoidable danger. If you want to have sex, pick a faithful partner. There is little reason to put oneself in harms way for STI. Especially as we’re seeing an increase in antibiotic resistant strains.

Re: The Need for Touch

#83

Post by hackerfromthefu »

pedrosorio wrote: post #22
saiya-jin wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

OP's situation is more complex because of the child. We all know kids that grow up without father tend to have more often various issues in later life (I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior). But then also staying in cold detached relationship ain't the best for the child either - they are very perceptive and seeing everyda…

> I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior I’m curious, what are the telltale signs?

I recommend the book 'families and how to survive them' for some actual insights on this topic

Re: The Need for Touch

#84

Post by coldtea »

virmundi wrote: post #75
ebg13 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> STIs are a real danger. This is basically false and fear mongering. Herpes has zero consequence for the vast majority of people who have it. Most of the rest just get mild discomfort once a year or every few years. It's so common and harmless that doctors won't even bother testing for it unless you make them. The connection between HPV and cancer is real but reporting on it overstates its significance. Your risk of…

If you don’t want a disease, it is a real danger.

If you don't want oxygen, breathing gets a real danger too.

But "real danger" usually has a more well defined meaning...

Re: The Need for Touch

#85

Post by bradlys »

nxc18 wrote: post #2

I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…

There are people who call themselves cuddle therapists. Might want to look into that. It isn’t supposed to be sexual as far as I know.

I was the same as you until I was about 21. Up until I was 18, everyone in the community I grew up in would say that if two boys touched each other then it was a gay act. And since everyone was deeply homophobic... no men touched each other. I see this culture in many places still even in places like the Bay Area. Men don’t touch and rarely hug. Mostly handshakes or something.

Anyway, I grew out of that by moving to a big city and learning dance when I was 18. Started with swing dancing (Lindy hop, Charleston, etc) then progressed to others. Mostly so I could be close to cute ladies! As I aged, I learned dances that involved a connection spanning from the thigh all the way to the head... like you were in a full contact hug. And sometimes there weren’t enough women to practice with or some of the men wanted to follow, so we had to switch around. And I learned to follow too because I wanted to get better. Getting close to men became less weird and touching people became uneventful. One particular act of this community that danced this way was that they would hug after practically every dance. It was common to hug during arrival and leaving of dances too. It didn’t matter who you were or if you knew each other, as long as the dance wasn’t painful then you would hug. So, even if you didn’t do the full body connection (it was an option) then you still experienced a significant form of touch at the end with hugs.

Anyway, I got used to touch and now it’s weird to be out in the world. I did all those things for so long that I’m completely open to hugging and touch unlike I was in the past. Sometimes me and a person will have a good interaction and reach a good conclusion during a meeting, my natural reaction now is to go for a hug and be like, “nice. Glad we got that done.” But gotta resist that as it’s pretty weird to do in the workplace but totally normal for me.

One of my best friends is an engineer from a more rural part of the country. We’ve hugged maybe a half dozen times over the years. She’s not comfortable hugging men even if they’re her best friend. I see this as normal for most of the US and it’s unfortunate. Touching men is just some weird taboo in the US unless you’re their romantic partner.

Re: The Need for Touch

#86

Post by leetcrew »

tacheiordache wrote: post #9
worik wrote: post #6

In my world people are always hugging me. It used to annoy me, but I am used to it now, in fact I like it - from people I like. I almost never initiate a hug except to my most intimate family members I have had the bother of people being predatory sexually and touching me. Really annoying. I am a straightish man in my fifties. In Aotearoa

Not sure if I am a little bit on the spectrum but I feel very awkward when I hug someone other than partner/family member. I get very self conscious about whether I do the right move, like where should I put my right hand, how about left hand, where do i look, etc. I hugged a friend/girl and without thinking I touched my chest to hers and was tapping on her back while at the same time realizing it wasn't appropriate…

not sure how helpful this is, but if you deliberately look for it, you'll find that many people who seem to "know the social protocol" actually do lots of awkward stuff and make faux pas all the time. as long as the person isn't aware that they're being awkward, no one seems to notice.

unfortunately this is sort of a catch-22. if you feel awkward about something, people will probably notice and perceive it that way also. I try to at least pretend that I don't feel awkward in these situations, which kinda works. it's sorta like the phenomenon where nobody questions a person with a hi-vis and a clipboard.

Re: The Need for Touch

#87

Post by bluntfang »

phizy wrote: post #76
bluntfang wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Touch feels nice, but as an American man, I was taught to touch only when necessary, lest the other person find it over the line. What? You must not watch sports then. High fives. Butt slaps. Chest bumps. etc. In fact, we might even say that there's a big problem with men inappropriately touching people, just look at the next potential Leader of the Free World, they both have a reputation for inappropriate touching.…

If your go-to examples of male touch are reserved for brief celebratory gestures and "inappropriate" touching, then it would seem you're not effectively making the point you're attempting to make. Neither of these examples indicate that touching is normal, common, or considered appropriate. Why did you think they would? Do you often find truth by generalizing from exceptions?

Can you talk more about how professional athletes and the highest level of government are exceptions? Those people are in the spotlight more than most people, except maybe actors...but the film industry seems to have the same message.

Re: The Need for Touch

#88

Post by nradov »

throw4reasons2 wrote: post #32
throw4reasons wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I coexist with my wife (and 3 year old) but we came to the conclusion that we are utterly incompatible and cooled off the romantic part completely. I hoped things would turn around but the pandemic and wfh exacerbated the problem. I only play with my child (+ the daily hug) but other than that I haven't touched anybody in more than a year and am somewhat somewhat fine with it. I am aware that I am not replacing the n…

Wow, this is almost my exact situation. I'm living for my child. I would have much preferred to demonstrate to him what a healthy, loving relationship looks like with my wife, but the status quo is probably the best that can be made of a bad situation.

Ironically, living for your child will probably produce the opposite of the effect you intend on your child.

Re: The Need for Touch

#89

Post by phizy »

bluntfang wrote: post #87
phizy wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If your go-to examples of male touch are reserved for brief celebratory gestures and "inappropriate" touching, then it would seem you're not effectively making the point you're attempting to make. Neither of these examples indicate that touching is normal, common, or considered appropriate. Why did you think they would? Do you often find truth by generalizing from exceptions?

Can you talk more about how professional athletes and the highest level of government are exceptions? Those people are in the spotlight more than most people, except maybe actors...but the film industry seems to have the same message.

I'm not going to explain to you how fame and media attention are exceptional. It should be obvious to anyone who doesn't have their head up their ass.

I guess if you want to claim that the behaviors of heads of state and professionally trained millionaire athletes is indicative of the experiences of your typical American male, you can suffer the credibility loss that such a claim entails.

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