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The Need for Touch

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Re: The Need for Touch

#21

Post by pengaru »

tacheiordache wrote: post #9
worik wrote: post #6

In my world people are always hugging me. It used to annoy me, but I am used to it now, in fact I like it - from people I like. I almost never initiate a hug except to my most intimate family members I have had the bother of people being predatory sexually and touching me. Really annoying. I am a straightish man in my fifties. In Aotearoa

Not sure if I am a little bit on the spectrum but I feel very awkward when I hug someone other than partner/family member. I get very self conscious about whether I do the right move, like where should I put my right hand, how about left hand, where do i look, etc. I hugged a friend/girl and without thinking I touched my chest to hers and was tapping on her back while at the same time realizing it wasn't appropriate…

I suspect you're probably just overthinking it WRT feeling inappropriate about hugging close with a friend. Hugs are relatively harmless, and most people who willingly engage in a hug aren't going to protest when they receive a solid one.

Re: The Need for Touch

#22

Post by pedrosorio »

saiya-jin wrote: post #15
giardini wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You should read the short article "Why You Should Forget the Past" by Rolf Dobelli at http://meaningring.com/2016/03/07/why-you-should-forget-the-...

OP's situation is more complex because of the child. We all know kids that grow up without father tend to have more often various issues in later life (I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior). But then also staying in cold detached relationship ain't the best for the child either - they are very perceptive and seeing everyda…

> I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior

I’m curious, what are the telltale signs?

Re: The Need for Touch

#23

Post by stevekemp »

worik wrote: post #6

In my world people are always hugging me. It used to annoy me, but I am used to it now, in fact I like it - from people I like. I almost never initiate a hug except to my most intimate family members I have had the bother of people being predatory sexually and touching me. Really annoying. I am a straightish man in my fifties. In Aotearoa

I'm from the UK and I'm used to hugging friends, male or female, as a greeting when I see them in the pub, and again as a goodbye if they came to my house and left.

I moved to Finland where physical contact is less typical, and less common. But it seems that most of the people I've met seem to enjoy the hugs I take for granted and usually offer.

Some people say "No hugging", or "Ahh yes, you're British we must hug now.." with a bit of a smile. But on the whole I've always been one to touch friends and people I'm close to. I've always regarded physical contact as an extremely important part of communication.

Re: The Need for Touch

#24

Post by jacobush »

shybutnotshy wrote: post #3
nxc18 wrote: post #2

I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…

You have to be ok with casual sex. I'm mostly not. First I don't want to catch something (aids, chlamydia, herpes, ...) so a few minutes of sex doesn't seem worth the risk. I know, at least according to popular media that puts me in the minority. If my attitude is common it's probably not easy to spot. Second, I don't want to hurt people. I know they exist but 9 times out of 10 people I meet want a serious relationsh…

I identify a lot with you.

But your paragraphs make it look like this is it. The world is not static. As the other commenter said, you can gently start working out. It's a thing, and it has intrinsic value.

Also, you often can't see yourself attaching to a person long term, because you don't know yourself as well as you think you do. (One should stay away from toxic people though.)

Another thing is that you can start hanging out with people of the opposite sex without trying to get into a relationship. The "friend zone" is largely a myth, not trying to score is incredibly sexy. And lots of friends have hooked up after years as friends only.

Many churches are welcoming of atheists by the way, but you have to stand it yourself, of course. One way could be to not attend service as much as volunteering for their support groups. Volunteers helping out in the community is always in short supply. This goes for non-denominational groups too, of course.

Re: The Need for Touch

#25

Post by [deleted] »

nxc18 wrote: post #2

I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…

[deleted]

Re: The Need for Touch

#26

Post by saiya-jin »

pedrosorio wrote: post #22
saiya-jin wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

OP's situation is more complex because of the child. We all know kids that grow up without father tend to have more often various issues in later life (I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior). But then also staying in cold detached relationship ain't the best for the child either - they are very perceptive and seeing everyda…

> I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior I’m curious, what are the telltale signs?

There are many, not 100% for this reason, but often are - unhealthy competitiveness, inability to be happy with what one currently has (clue - it won't get much better once more is achieved). Children from broken families often don't believe in long term relationships or starting family and come up with reasoning like overpopulation and actually doing good for mankind. General insecurities. Afraid of generally any commitment. Emotional intelligence on a low level.

There are more extreme cases - wife works currently as doctor in prison, and most folks there didn't have a good (or any) fatherly model. Women have their own 'daddy issues' side to it, but most above applies too (experienced first hand in one relationship, it was pure nightmare although she was smart and professionally successful).

Re: The Need for Touch

#27

Post by watwut »

pedrosorio wrote: post #22
saiya-jin wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

OP's situation is more complex because of the child. We all know kids that grow up without father tend to have more often various issues in later life (I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior). But then also staying in cold detached relationship ain't the best for the child either - they are very perceptive and seeing everyda…

> I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior I’m curious, what are the telltale signs?

Absolutely none. Kids who grow in families with issues have higher rates of issues. (And kid having issues tend to break family too).

But it is not glaringly obvious at all who grew up with missing dad (or missing mom). None of the issues the sibling mention are exclusive to such people nor so much more likely to be found in such people.

Re: The Need for Touch

#28

Post by reify_null »

saiya-jin wrote: post #26
pedrosorio wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I've seen folks like that everyday in pre-covid times, it becomes glaringly obvious once you know what to look for in their behavior I’m curious, what are the telltale signs?

There are many, not 100% for this reason, but often are - unhealthy competitiveness, inability to be happy with what one currently has (clue - it won't get much better once more is achieved). Children from broken families often don't believe in long term relationships or starting family and come up with reasoning like overpopulation and actually doing good for mankind. General insecurities. Afraid of generally any co…

Is this also different between growing up without a father vs growing up without a mother? I have some thoughts on this of my own, not sure how accurate they are.

I suspect the first case causes more competitiveness issues, general aggressiveness (or toxic masculinity if you will, though the term is somewhat problematic) The latter more issues with trusting women, intimacy, etc. Not believing in long term relationships might be more likely if one of the parents is completely out of the picture, not so much gender related. This is from a male perspective, perhaps from a female perspective the two cases can simply be flipped.

There probably is some research into these things, but I wouldn't know where to start.

Re: The Need for Touch

#29

Post by Cthulhu_ »

shybutnotshy wrote: post #3
nxc18 wrote: post #2

I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…

You have to be ok with casual sex. I'm mostly not. First I don't want to catch something (aids, chlamydia, herpes, ...) so a few minutes of sex doesn't seem worth the risk. I know, at least according to popular media that puts me in the minority. If my attitude is common it's probably not easy to spot. Second, I don't want to hurt people. I know they exist but 9 times out of 10 people I meet want a serious relationsh…

> I know, at least according to popular media that puts me in the minority.

Emphasis on "popular"; as with politics, there's a loud minority that skews the perception of, in this case, the prevalence of casual hookups. But think about it, few people on social media will mention NOT having hookups, so it's a case of survivorship bias (I think).

My point is, the amount of people that have frequent hookups is relatively small, but media (social and others) make it look like it's common, normal, or even expected. But it isn't, in practice.

Re: The Need for Touch

#30

Post by Cthulhu_ »

guskel wrote: post #12
flatline wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t think you are particularly unusual in your wants and needs, but there may be some other issues if you have been trying and failing to have any sort of romantic relationship for 17 years.

Some people fall through the cracks and don't build enough dating experience while young to navigate the dating scene, only compounding the difficulty more and moreso as their peers zoom ahead.

The fact that there is such a thing as a "dating scene" is quite telling already - in just that phrasing it's already depicted as a different world, like idk, accounting vs waste processing in careers. I and many others aren't up for a career switch like that.

Thankfully I met my GF through the nerdy side of the internet - an area I'm much more comfortable on.

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