The Need for Touch
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The Need for Touch
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Re: The Need for Touch
#2I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context.
I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet and resolve that situation pretty quickly in most cases. I hear the situation for single heterosexual men is significantly worse, but I'd like to hear others thoughts. Are there outlets for straight lonely people in need of touch?
Gay dating apps have a reputation for being very sex focused, but many of the profiles I see are specifically seeking out touch/cuddling as a primary or even exclusive goal.
Re: The Need for Touch
#3I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…
You have to be ok with casual sex. I'm mostly not.
First I don't want to catch something (aids, chlamydia, herpes, ...) so a few minutes of sex doesn't seem worth the risk. I know, at least according to popular media that puts me in the minority. If my attitude is common it's probably not easy to spot.
Second, I don't want to hurt people. I know they exist but 9 times out of 10 people I meet want a serious relationship and would be hurt if we slept together than then I called it quits. I wouldn't lie to them directly but they'd feel like I was lying to them if I say, slept with them 2-3 times and then stopped seeing them. So, I basically don't get into it in the first place unless I believe that I'd like to be with them longer term. Of those people that could be more casual usually issue 1 comes up. They sleep around so they are more likely to have something and plus I don't want my heart broken.
Third, I'm also someone who just wants one person not just for sex but for love and companionship so my attitude is bad when meeting / looking for people. My attitude is "can I see myself being with this person long term" instead of "would it be fun to be with this person for the moment". That answer is quite often "no, I can't see myself being with this person long term". I don't think that's that strange of a thought. A stereotype of a story is the person that doesn't think this way and has lots of failed relationships for choosing superficial qualities of attractiveness as their reason for getting into a relationship. But, at least they had a relationship.
Anyway, the sum of those 3 things and possibly some bad luck being in jobs which have few members of the opposite sex and friends that have few friends of the opposite sex means I haven't had a relationship for ~17 years. I hope every day that will change, I frequent 5 dating sites. I have matches. But getting something started seems really hard. I would do much better if I went to church (I'm atheist) or did some activity where I got to know people over time and become friends first. I've gone to several meetups but if they are truly about something I care about they usually have few members of the opposite sex. I've been to a few otherwise but it's been the same bad luck I guess. No one I'm interested in or no one that shows interest.
Re: The Need for Touch
#4I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…
I’ma Brazilian Jiu jitsu player. The sport has a great deal of depth to technique and the physical exertion can be quite intense/rewarding; however, I do believe that the physical touch (and implicit trust therein) are an important aspect as well. It’s aggressive, but neither violent or sexual. Most of my training partners could severely injure me at any time, but I expose myself physically and trust them not to.
Re: The Need for Touch
#5I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…
Heterosexual male here. I think the last time I touched anyone was when I hugged my mom when she visited me 3 months ago, and before that I don't think I touched anyone for the 6 months since I broke up with my gf.
After finishing college I moved to basically the middle of nowhere for my tech job without knowing anyone in the area. Wasn't proactive enough making friends, and because of my gf at the time I didn't seek out any women. We broke up right as the pandemic started, which may have been the worst possible time.
I'm not sure if it's because it's been so long that I touched anyone, but I don't get touch deprived as often as I would have expected. Sure there are times occasionally where I feel really lonely, but so far it's been pretty easy to brush that off. However, taking care of my mental health has been nearly a full time job. I make sure to exercise daily, I picked up guitar and mountain biking, and I blocked all social media I see as toxic (reddit, youtube, facebook. HN is okay in moderation). I my sleep schedule in check with targeted melatonin and bluelight filters. Keeping up with old friends and family is also essential.
My running theory is that touch is certainly a positive, but it isn't essential if the other parts of your life are kept in shape. Although shortening that list of mental health tasks to something more manageable does sound enticing. I've never been good at dating though, and with the double whammy of it being quarantine and not having a local friend group I'm not really sure how to solve that problem. Dating advice might be a bit off topic for HN though, considering temporarily unblocking reddit.
Re: The Need for Touch
#6In my world people are always hugging me.
It used to annoy me, but I am used to it now, in fact I like it - from people I like. I almost never initiate a hug except to my most intimate family members
I have had the bother of people being predatory sexually and touching me. Really annoying.
I am a straightish man in my fifties. In Aotearoa
Re: The Need for Touch
#7I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…
Heterosexual male here. I think the last time I touched anyone was when I hugged my mom when she visited me 3 months ago, and before that I don't think I touched anyone for the 6 months since I broke up with my gf. After finishing college I moved to basically the middle of nowhere for my tech job without knowing anyone in the area. Wasn't proactive enough making friends, and because of my gf at the time I didn't seek…
I coexist with my wife (and 3 year old) but we came to the conclusion that we are utterly incompatible and cooled off the romantic part completely. I hoped things would turn around but the pandemic and wfh exacerbated the problem. I only play with my child (+ the daily hug) but other than that I haven't touched anybody in more than a year and am somewhat somewhat fine with it. I am aware that I am not replacing the need for a partner with the affection for the child but simply accept the situation for now.
Re: The Need for Touch
#8I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…
You have to be ok with casual sex. I'm mostly not. First I don't want to catch something (aids, chlamydia, herpes, ...) so a few minutes of sex doesn't seem worth the risk. I know, at least according to popular media that puts me in the minority. If my attitude is common it's probably not easy to spot. Second, I don't want to hurt people. I know they exist but 9 times out of 10 people I meet want a serious relationsh…
I don’t think you are particularly unusual in your wants and needs, but there may be some other issues if you have been trying and failing to have any sort of romantic relationship for 17 years.
Re: The Need for Touch
#9In my world people are always hugging me. It used to annoy me, but I am used to it now, in fact I like it - from people I like. I almost never initiate a hug except to my most intimate family members I have had the bother of people being predatory sexually and touching me. Really annoying. I am a straightish man in my fifties. In Aotearoa
Not sure if I am a little bit on the spectrum but I feel very awkward when I hug someone other than partner/family member. I get very self conscious about whether I do the right move, like where should I put my right hand, how about left hand, where do i look, etc. I hugged a friend/girl and without thinking I touched my chest to hers and was tapping on her back while at the same time realizing it wasn't appropriate and then trying to brush off the awkward feeling. I found myself doing that here and there, especially with someone I am not very familiar with. I feel like others know the social protocol without ever learning it explicitly while I somehow missed to pick it up along the way. I was a shy kid but was perfectly normal in smaller circles of friends or school.
Re: The Need for Touch
#10I don't know how common this is, but I was raised to see intimate touch as reserved exclusively for family and sexual/romantic partners. There's a pretty big mental block when it comes to touch, and I think that's made my life materially worse. Do others experience that? I grew up in New England for context. I'm somewhat fortunate that if I get particularly lonely or touch deprived, I can hop on grindr/scruff/hornet…
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