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She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

nautil.us

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Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#81

Post by FilterSweep »

rtl49 wrote: post #21

I've read a few comments deriding the complexity of this analysis. However, I think it is worth identifying it as a fact that, noticed or not, there is something of a power struggle in the early stages of the human courtship ritual. Here, this issue is that of availability. Given that it is sometimes difficult to gauge the desirability of a prospective partner, one metric is how eager they seem to be. If the other re…

It is in fact an expression of power, for one.

However, for two, it is a general discontent in the options available. You are the "next best choice" or the "best available" when facing this lack of eagerness in early relationship phases. There is an element of ego preservation in this behavior. One can improve from "best available," but this comes with experience in the early phase of the relationship.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#82

Post by gelraen »

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #64
gelraen wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would argue that it's hard to build healthy relationship when you're _not_ okay being single. Needing a relationship to feel okay sets the ground for developing codependency, which hurts everyone involved. Also, when you're actively looking for someone to have relationship with you look desperate, which scares people off. (Not to mention that having relationship itself as a goal, as opposed to wanting to build a re…

'Need' is not always logical. You buy a car when you need one - and look desperate to the car salesman. But you need it, so you shop. More helpful advice is, how to shop intelligently when needy.

You need a car to do what? Most commonly, to transport your body from point A to point B. You can also consider other alternatives and pick one that (you think) works the best.

I doubt that there is such a thing as "need to be in relationship", very often it is a cover for some other, deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on. And unless that deeper need is realized and verbally communicated, there's a high chance that it won't be satisfied in the best possible way, if at all. Some of those needs even cannot be satisfied by another person (e.g. no one can cure your internal insecurities but yourself). It is your job, as a person, to work on realizing your actual needs. And once you do, you can ask another person to help you fulfill them.

Another important difference between cars and people is that people are sentient beings with their own will and their own needs. And when people see that someone is treating them as a tool to fulfill their needs, before even getting to know them better, they are likely to avoid engaging in such activity.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#83

Post by jameshart »

pmarreck wrote: post #75

So TL;DR: Uncertain reply-time-window dynamics enabled by the era of asynchronous/deferred indirect communication (aka "texting"/"emailing") create a situation where the psychological principles of the Variable Ratio Reinforcement Schedule ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement ) kick in, which, as it turns out, is the most addicting, thus creating the most drama. I get that about right? ;) Word to the wise (s…

"score something"? Really?

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#84

Post by golemotron »

gelraen wrote: post #67
the_af wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think that's how attraction works :( Maybe building a stable, committed relationship -- something that not all people want, by the way, and that's ok -- is an exercise in restraint and rationality, but immediate attraction and hookups? It works irrationally almost by definition.

My point is not about how attraction works, it's about what people do about it. You can feel attraction and decide to act on it almost instantly, but that's still your choice and you are responsible for what you do. But if you feel that attraction is "making you do something" against your will, when you realize negative consequences of your actions – that's definition of addiction.

Agreed, but seeing things through the frame of addiction can be a trap. Issue is really ego-syntonic versus ego-dystonic. Own your feelings and what you decide to do. Guess I'm agreeing.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#85

Post by Jtsummers »

mettamage wrote: post #80
k__ wrote: post #10

The best time to search for funding is when you don't need it. The best time to search for a job is when you don't need it. The best time to search for a partner is when you don't need it. I got my current girlfriends after two years of being single and realizing that being single is okay.

That's too simple. The statement is not nuanced enough and it is unfortunately only a necessary condition. This type of advice gave me a hard time for a couple of years -- when I was rather clueless and young. It's not a sufficient condition: I don't need make-up, yet the best time searching for it is never. It's not a nuanced statement: I don't need a car now. Even if I could get a cheap car, it would be extra bagga…

Also, regarding both the car and job versions. I've always heard it and said it as, "The best time to look for a job is when you have one." Same for cars. Hardly good advice for dating if your aim is long-term.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#86

Post by socket0 »

the_af wrote: post #62
socket0 wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Who enjoys these games? I don't know if anyone really does. However, like me, most people probably like to think there's a right way and a wrong way of doing this, and that it's not all just a random coin flip where the house always wins. If someone we're attracted to apparently dislikes us for no discernible reason, it's comforting to think it's simply because we didn't follow the commonly accepted rules.

But what if it's not that they are "commonly accepted rules" -- as if it was a conscious decision -- but more about how the brain is hardwired to act? What if the relatively simple rule of "if you're interested, just reply already, dammit!" doesn't accurately model how human sexual interactions work? Maybe we do a lot of signalling, some overt, some unconscious, some non-visual, just like it happens with other animal…

I have no idea whether they're commonly accepted rules. Like most other cargo cult daters I like to think there are rules, and that they mean something, but when all is said and done I'm pretty sure you're right. It's a complex interplay of roles and traits shaped in part by evolution to weed out unfit candidates. On that we built our cargo cult: I have no idea what I'm doing, but when interacting with a potential love interest I'll mimic the actions that have apparently served others so well, and even when they make absolutely no sense they'll probably still work. I suspect a lot of other interactions in the digital world can be partially explained by cargo cults based on evolved behaviour.

Conclusion: I might not be the only person who has no idea what he's doing when it comes to dating, so a lot of us are faking it and hoping for the best.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#87

Post by herbig »

pmarreck wrote: post #75

So TL;DR: Uncertain reply-time-window dynamics enabled by the era of asynchronous/deferred indirect communication (aka "texting"/"emailing") create a situation where the psychological principles of the Variable Ratio Reinforcement Schedule ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement ) kick in, which, as it turns out, is the most addicting, thus creating the most drama. I get that about right? ;) Word to the wise (s…

The chauvinism in this comment is insane. Women aren't points on a scoreboard and dating dynamics aren't meant to be a power struggle.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#89

Post by cableshaft »

gelraen wrote: post #14
k__ wrote: post #10

The best time to search for funding is when you don't need it. The best time to search for a job is when you don't need it. The best time to search for a partner is when you don't need it. I got my current girlfriends after two years of being single and realizing that being single is okay.

I would argue that it's hard to build healthy relationship when you're _not_ okay being single. Needing a relationship to feel okay sets the ground for developing codependency, which hurts everyone involved. Also, when you're actively looking for someone to have relationship with you look desperate, which scares people off. (Not to mention that having relationship itself as a goal, as opposed to wanting to build a re…

While I mostly agree with you, if someone acts like they don't want a relationship at all (or plays super hard to get), then I'll just move on to someone who does, because I don't have time to waste trying to get someone interested in me.

I wasted way too much time on women who were friendly but emotionally unavailable (and didn't want to admit it to themselves) in my teens and 20s to ever want to go through that again.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#90

Post by zimpenfish »

socket0 wrote: post #86
the_af wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But what if it's not that they are "commonly accepted rules" -- as if it was a conscious decision -- but more about how the brain is hardwired to act? What if the relatively simple rule of "if you're interested, just reply already, dammit!" doesn't accurately model how human sexual interactions work? Maybe we do a lot of signalling, some overt, some unconscious, some non-visual, just like it happens with other animal…

I have no idea whether they're commonly accepted rules. Like most other cargo cult daters I like to think there are rules, and that they mean something, but when all is said and done I'm pretty sure you're right. It's a complex interplay of roles and traits shaped in part by evolution to weed out unfit candidates. On that we built our cargo cult: I have no idea what I'm doing, but when interacting with a potential lo…

> It's a complex interplay of roles and traits shaped in part by evolution to weed out unfit candidates.

That would only apply to procreation, surely, not dating.

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