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She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

nautil.us

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Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#11

Post by cousin_it »

donquichotte wrote: post #7
thirdsun wrote: post #3

> One area where there was a lot of debate was the amount of time one should wait to text back. Several people subscribed to the notion of doubling the response time. (They write back in five minutes, you wait 10, etc.) This way you achieve the upper hand and constantly seem busier and less available than your counterpart. Others thought waiting just a few minutes was enough to prove you had something important in yo…

Also, doubling response time every time is essentially exponential backoff, a strategy I mainly use when trying to let an uncomfortable discussion die gracefully.

I think HN uses a variant of that to prevent long back-and-forth discussions.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#12

Post by kweks »

Is it only me that finds this type of obsessive-compulsive over-thinking somewhat bizarre; yet the author is trying to pass it off as the norm.

Perhaps it's the author's fretful nature and over analysis that drives women away?

I've found the following 'tactics' have worked quite well: - If you want to send a message, send a message. - If they don't reply, they're busy, or they don't want to speak with you.

How is it any more complicated than that?

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#13

Post by pm90 »

golemotron wrote: post #9
xyzzy4 wrote: post #5

If your attraction to someone is determined by whether they have a 1 minute or 10 minute response time, then maybe you should reexamine your priorities.

You're assuming that attraction is rational and a matter of choice. Think about it. Isn't the world is wonderful because it isn't?

That is a rather profound observation. Perhaps the Geek subculture's disdain of the principles of social interaction is because we often try to make sense of it rationally.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#14

Post by gelraen »

k__ wrote: post #10

The best time to search for funding is when you don't need it. The best time to search for a job is when you don't need it. The best time to search for a partner is when you don't need it. I got my current girlfriends after two years of being single and realizing that being single is okay.

I would argue that it's hard to build healthy relationship when you're _not_ okay being single. Needing a relationship to feel okay sets the ground for developing codependency, which hurts everyone involved. Also, when you're actively looking for someone to have relationship with you look desperate, which scares people off. (Not to mention that having relationship itself as a goal, as opposed to wanting to build a relationship with the great person in front of you, is objectifying and most people would avoid being objectified)

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#15

Post by rtl49 »

Why wouldn't one just call and avoid all this nonsense? It doesn't eliminate the wiles and ways by which we seek to gain the upper hand in a sapling relationship, but it does introduce a touch of humanity into the exchange which, in addition to being consoling, reduces wasted time and useless stress.

A call is an unambiguous yet still unstated expression of continued interest. Is the other party still interested? If the call is answered, you can tell from the tone of voice alone, and if there's uncertainty, the sound of your voice may be enough to tip the balance. What's better, broaching the difficult questions is less difficult on the phone: you don't need to ask explicitly what you would in text, nor need you come up with some lame quip or foist one of your few common experiences to have a conversation. If there's no answer, leave a message -- at the very least, you're not likely to be ignored.

This approach has the added benefit of distinguishing yourself from your texting, cowardly competitors.

Neither method is as good as a face-to-face encounter, but at least this way you reduce the risk of miscommunication or one of those alienating situations where the next-day text goes unanswered.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#16

Post by DocG »

alias240 wrote: post #8

My strategy when I meet a girl I like is to exchange numbers, but have no intention of contacting them. The girl always has to contact the guy first. It's just how it works.

>The girl always has to contact the guy first. It's just how it works

That seems a bit childish.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#17

Post by golemotron »

pm90 wrote: post #13
golemotron wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're assuming that attraction is rational and a matter of choice. Think about it. Isn't the world is wonderful because it isn't?

That is a rather profound observation. Perhaps the Geek subculture's disdain of the principles of social interaction is because we often try to make sense of it rationally.

I think that's true. But we're at the tip of a large iceberg. In general people want to believe that they are in control of their emotions and choices, and that they are rational. The more you learn about psychology and neurology the more you realize how much of a conceit that is. It changes your perspective dramatically.

Read about Libet's experiments, sales techniques, anchoring, all that. Or meditate for a while and see what it does to your perception of yourself. We want to believe we're the bit of ourselves that tells ourselves what we are doing and what we will do, but we're all the rest of the wiring too and not a lot of that is fully under our control.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#19

Post by gelraen »

golemotron wrote: post #9
xyzzy4 wrote: post #5

If your attraction to someone is determined by whether they have a 1 minute or 10 minute response time, then maybe you should reexamine your priorities.

You're assuming that attraction is rational and a matter of choice. Think about it. Isn't the world is wonderful because it isn't?

Attraction sometimes is not a matter of choice, but actions are. You can decide to continue communication with someone or not. You're not a slave of your attraction.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#20

Post by golemotron »

gelraen wrote: post #19
golemotron wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're assuming that attraction is rational and a matter of choice. Think about it. Isn't the world is wonderful because it isn't?

Attraction sometimes is not a matter of choice, but actions are. You can decide to continue communication with someone or not. You're not a slave of your attraction.

Sometimes it's nice to be, right?
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