Our Culture of Exclusion (or, why I'm not going to *conf)

Maybe Ryan Duk should organise a "dry" conference, for those who share his dislike for alcohol and those who drink it. I'm sure it would be a massive success although, as an Irishman, it wouldn't be my cup of tea.

I don't think that's an overly strong argument. But there is some meat to it. When people are at a party and booze is present that's one thing, and even if there is hard liquor it can still be possible to avoid drinking and have a good time while connecting with others. But there is a transition point where drinking becomes the focus of a party rather than just a, sometimes, part of it. And those sorts of parties tend to become exclusionary just by their very nature. As a mature adult, even one who drinks, it becomes tiresome and very non-fun to go to party after party where booze is the main attraction, where it's difficult to have a conversation because it's too loud or most people are too drunk to converse with, and where people get so trashed they start to have a bad time (not being able to stand, puking, passing out, whatever).

The problem is that the boundary line can be difficult to discern objectively. And when people who enjoy boozy parties try to judge them it's all to easy to dismiss the problems because it's just so damned much fun for them. But it is a serious problem, especially in a professional industry.

Half the posts on HN and Twitter make me feel excluded for not being a dick in one way or another.

You aren't paying attention then. There was a very high profile case of sexual assault within the tech industry, and at one of these booze filled conference parties as well, only a few months ago.

Point of data: nearly all conferences for all industries revolve largely around drinking.

I worked in the outdoor industry for 5 years and went to the Outdoor Retailer trade show on the floor of the Salt Lake City convention center, which houses huge brands from all over the world. And what happened at 4pm every day of the conference? Every other booth or so tapped a keg or opened their coolers. They gave out free glasses ("swag"), free beer, free bottles.

And during that time, people knew that all the real connections and business was happening. You'd get far more networking done over two hours of beers and mingling than you'd accomplished all day trying to sell yourself to people with your best poker face and laptop demo.

It comes down to this: for the human species, it's more genuine to have fun together and build social ties based on real emotional connections and shared experience than to focus on a topic in isolation. I think this is the effect you notice, and it's not at all uncommon. In fact, I'd say compared to other experiences I've had, from college to the Outdoor Retailer trade shows, to now two companies I've worked for where alcohol has been present and accounted for, the programmers are the mildest of the set.

I get it, I really do. I've been there and I've been frustrated by the alcoholic focus of social gatherings, I've been frustrated by friends' desire to go to dingy bars just to drink, I've been a wallflower at frat parties watching the puzzling behavior of the curious species in front of me. I've done that thing, this thing you're frustrated about and writing about.

And then I grew up. I'll do the same thing, go out to bars, have just one drink, be stunned at all the drunk people, but I can also look at it from their perspective. These are all people trying to have fun in a life in which it's difficult to find meaning, trying to form connections in a world where being alone and cold and digital has become the norm, trying to break down the walls of their own frustrations and insecurities and be someone they didn't think they could be, but most of all, trying to stop trying so hard.

I don't know. It seems to make no sense, and yet it does in the context of a little experience and empathy. There's balance and moderation in everything, and certainly I agree that there's a little too much focus on excess, even if it is just a vocal minority being very obvious and loud. But a beer or two now and then to help you relax and enjoy life just a tiny bit more is certainly not to be discounted entirely as a negative, and the effect it has in a group setting is sometimes stunning to watch. So I feel some balance is required in this perspective.