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Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

economist.com

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Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#71

Post by IamNotAtWork »

stijnh wrote: post #58
throwaway413 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We moved to a new city. I work full time (from home) as a SWE. She is a stay at home mom. She met new people on IG in our new city, made friends. I thought it was great. My wife has a hole deep inside her from years of childhood abuse. She has no career, is early 20s like myself, and has yet to figure herself out. As the months went by, she filled that hole more and more with her connections on IG and less with our f…

> Meanwhile I’m paying about ~$4k a month in just rent and car bills for her. Not including anything else. You are contributing to her horrific lifestyle. You need to cut everything off. There is no other way to save her and yourself.

HOW? Did court order you to pay alimony or something?

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#72

Post by namaemuta »

throwaway413 wrote: post #37
raverbashing wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sounds like they were just bored and the relationship wasn't working out "Early 20s" seems to be the major problem here. Not everybody wants to settle down at this age

Which I could say there’s more to it than that but yeah...pretty much. Except if she wasn’t sure she didn’t want to settle down...she shouldn’t have. We didn’t have kids until after we were married. And even still I’m younger than her and I prefer being “settled down” or whatever you want to call it. She betrayed the commitment we had without ending it first. She tried to have her cake and eat it too.

> Except if she wasn’t sure she didn’t want to settle down

As you have said, she had a void that needed to fill and a very difficult past to deal with. Being sure about what ones want is not that easy in that scenario. She probably got engaged with you hoping that you could fill that gap or simply because it could bring some stability to her life.

I don't blame you for having tough thoughts about her. You'll need a thick skin to get out of that relationship but it's not as simple as saying "if she wasn’t sure she didn’t want to settle down...she shouldn’t have".

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#73

Post by wslh »

enord wrote: post #10

Did this trend start with social media? We are doing lots of stuff to teenagers these days that we didnt do before. They are beholden to expectations far narrower than we were. We treat them as adults in school (by making them responsible for their own performance through grading and measuring) from a very young age, yet we don't really cut the umbelical cord (grant them autonomy) until they're in their twenties. Soc…

> Did this trend start with social media

I don't think so. I think it started when there are more free stuff to consume than the time we have to cobsume it. In a way it is connected con consumerism but when the products are free.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#74

Post by throwaway413 »

watwut wrote: post #67
throwaway413 wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You’re right. I need to just stop paying her bills. I’m worried she’s going to get nastier and keep my child from me out of spite. And I hear you, but - I work from home. When I said “come home from work” I just meant it like...end of the day. I don’t know why I still use that phrase. Sometimes I go work at coffee shops or something, so then I’ll come home. Sure maybe I’m not as present, since I am working, but she h…

Whether you file or not, you should talk to lawyer. If all of your actions are motivated by child related fears, the lawyer can advise you on what to do to make sure you have access to kid and look good during potential divorce. Marriage counseling might be a good idea too. The relationship has zero chance to rebuild if both of you don't change. (She for obvious reasons and you basically so that you wont become victi…

Yeah. Good points, I appreciate your perspective.

I’ve been going to therapy for 2 months now independently. We did one appointment together. She cancelled her follow up.

We agreed to go to counseling together over a year ago but she just never followed through, even when I tried to.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#75

Post by alva »

I think a large part of it is due to excessive exposure to life of the rich and successful. Seeing these images through Instagram feels more like a personal interaction than through a magazine, not to mention the frequency.

I have felt this myself having for a period followed the 'it' group in my city. These people were in the best clubs, restaurants, yachts, holiday destinations almost all the time surrounding by beautiful and what appears to be interesting people. Hard not to feel deprived when your monkey mind perceives that as somewhat normal. Despite a very, very small number of people who have this lifestyle, there are enough for this type of life to appear pervasive.

In the past our exposure to this subset of people was extremely limited. Fashion and gossip magazines would do profiles giving a small glimpse into the world. Generally the incredible lives some people have was hidden.

I think it is probably best not to be frequently reminded of a lifestyle that is likely out of your reach. If one thinks not obtaining this lifestyle is a failure (work on this thought if you do!), don't reopen the wound several times a day.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#76

Post by throwaway413 »

exit wrote: post #70
throwaway413 wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, we haven’t gone to court, no alimony or payments - luckily she wants to avoid it because her parents had a very messy divorce in her childhood. I pay for her because honestly I’m scared of the lifestyle my child will live. She doesn’t work. She makes no money. She would be on the streets honestly. Doesn’t speak to either of her parents. I recently emptied our joint bank account save $100. She flipped. Every time…

please speak to a lawyer if you haven't already

Yeah I guess I really need to. I’ve been scared to do so.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#77

Post by IamNotAtWork »

throwaway413 wrote: post #16
PuffinBlue wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you expand on this? I don't really understand how x lead to y as i don't have much idea about social media addiction at all or its effects.

We moved to a new city. I work full time (from home) as a SWE. She is a stay at home mom. She met new people on IG in our new city, made friends. I thought it was great. My wife has a hole deep inside her from years of childhood abuse. She has no career, is early 20s like myself, and has yet to figure herself out. As the months went by, she filled that hole more and more with her connections on IG and less with our f…

Everytime I get frustrated with my wife I'm just going to keep thinking about how good I have had it.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#78

Post by MarsPoet »

throwaway613834 wrote: post #28
enord wrote: post #10

Did this trend start with social media? We are doing lots of stuff to teenagers these days that we didnt do before. They are beholden to expectations far narrower than we were. We treat them as adults in school (by making them responsible for their own performance through grading and measuring) from a very young age, yet we don't really cut the umbelical cord (grant them autonomy) until they're in their twenties. Soc…

> We treat them as adults in school (by making them responsible for their own performance through grading and measuring) from a very young age Really? I feel like even in college students don't always feel like they are responsible for their own performance & grades (and an honest one at that). Look at all the cheating and grade inflation and grading complaints (even by parents!!) that have gone towards becoming the…

You forgot the part of the quote that agrees with what you're talking about:

> yet we don't really cut the umbelical cord (grant them autonomy) until they're in their twenties

The problem pointed by GP is that kids are expected to behave responsibly at school (as if it were work), but parents are not giving them enough autonomy in life. Most of them never "become responsible", because they're taught from early age that they shouldn't (and that feeling is reinforced later, when parents call colleges, and the things you talk about). There's a lot of cognitive dissonance there.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#79

Post by menacingly »

To me, this overall cheapening of life is a problem bigger than social media.

Before recorded music, getting to hear a performance was an event in itself. I can only imagine it was savored. Now, the constant, high-speed bombardment of new music has made our tastes fickle and cheapened the experience. It's not "bad", but it has changed that part of being a person.

We've done it to everything. Food, film, clothing, books, and social interaction. These things we criticize are just specific symptoms of the overall trend, but I can't imagine a scenario where it doesn't happen. It's an unavoidable outcome of our increasing the pace and availability of things. Again, not even sure it's bad, it just feels weird. I don't know how you scale a civilization any other way.

As you get older, it's common to think of yourself as having been born "too late" for something, and I try to be mindful of that tendency. However, it's one thing to lament not being able to be a cowboy, it's another to wistfully look back on life having any manageable pace.

Re: Teenagers are growing more anxious and depressed

#80

Post by menacingly »

enord wrote: post #10

Did this trend start with social media? We are doing lots of stuff to teenagers these days that we didnt do before. They are beholden to expectations far narrower than we were. We treat them as adults in school (by making them responsible for their own performance through grading and measuring) from a very young age, yet we don't really cut the umbelical cord (grant them autonomy) until they're in their twenties. Soc…

This is a tough problem. I'm a parent, and the "do I meddle in this?" issue is probably what I think about most.

With most tricky parenting issues, the answer is probably that you're on the right track if you're even thinking about it and asking the question

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