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Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

theatlantic.com

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Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#71

Post by alnayyir »

arojahn wrote: post #62
mklg1266 wrote: post #39

I hate being a 20-something women. Everybody on the planet, from doctors to HN, feels the need to comment on the apparently glaring biological clock ticking over my head, and make assumptions about A) my happiness and B) my nefarious ulterior dating motives. I will posit that there exist women who don't base their self-worth and happiness entirely on the approval and acceptance of a man. I will further posit that the…

I'm a female entrepreneur aged 32, happily unmarried. Yes, there are women out there 'who aren't married by 30 because they haven't met someone they want to marry yet and are totally OK with that.' - I'm one of them. But this kind of article is the reason why it's sometimes hard - because no-one will ever believe you if you claim that you are not set on getting married and you're not keen on having kids. I've even he…

>heard the theory that I founded two startups because I didn't find the right guy to marry and have kids with.

I generally flinch in the presence of feminist rhetoric (not saying that you were engaging in rhetoric, demonstrating my leaning), but that is crass and offensive. Why can't people just do what works for them?

Yeeeesh.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#72

Post by tomjen2 »

pvg wrote: post #10

The Cosmo-ification of HN continues apace. Next week, esr's sex tips FAQ. I know someone will very earnestly explain to me how this is on topic but really, it isn't.

Those sex tips will properly do more for peoples happiness than an article about Erlang.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#73

Post by Tichy »

impeachgod wrote: post #65
Tichy wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything" But you are compromising: your compromise is that you can't experience marriage.

That would be like saying that "my compromise is that I couldn't experience prison."

How is marriage like prison? It's mainly meant to save taxes and to enable you to see your spouse in the hospital.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#74

Post by benpbenp »

iamwil wrote: post #5
ardit33 wrote: post #3

It might sound awful, but this is one of the reasons I avoid dating 28+ girls (I am 29 myself). 1. Too much pressure. (even if it is not explicit, given her standing, it is implicit) 2. I don't know if she likes me for me, or just because her clock is ticking. On the flip side, girls it have really really easy on their early 20s. That might create an "suply is infinite" kind of thinking in girls, and maybe perhaps ev…

How about the case for older women? http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/02/16/the-case-for-an...

Your comment reminded me of Ben Franklin's case for older women. http://www.swarthmore.edu/SocSci/bdorsey1/41docs/51-fra.html

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#75

Post by jcnnghm »

kingkawn wrote: post #26
ardit33 wrote: post #3

It might sound awful, but this is one of the reasons I avoid dating 28+ girls (I am 29 myself). 1. Too much pressure. (even if it is not explicit, given her standing, it is implicit) 2. I don't know if she likes me for me, or just because her clock is ticking. On the flip side, girls it have really really easy on their early 20s. That might create an "suply is infinite" kind of thinking in girls, and maybe perhaps ev…

The desire to systematize every aspect of life is why you're still just dating.

The grandparent isn't exactly old, and he is right.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#76

Post by ytinas »

impeachgod wrote: post #65
Tichy wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything" But you are compromising: your compromise is that you can't experience marriage.

That would be like saying that "my compromise is that I couldn't experience prison."

Except that prison is almost exclusively bad and marriage doesn't have to be. For example, someone did a study a while back to prove that married men were happier then unmarried men because marriage made them happier. They didn't end up proving that but they did discover that on average married men have sex more often than unmarried men.

See? Not all bad.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#77

Post by TrevorJ »

Tichy wrote: post #63
impeachgod wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I suppose this is why I don't ever want to marry. I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything. I want to be like Richard Stallman with his iron stubbornness. I think some people are built for marriage, some are not.

"I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything" But you are compromising: your compromise is that you can't experience marriage.

Edit: I replied to the wrong comment somehow - my apologies, I meant to reply to the person who was talking about marriage=prison.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#78

Post by risotto »

noverloop wrote: post #66
risotto wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

30 year old male here... I'm not really happy for feeling this way, but I treat relationships with women not unlike I treat my jobs/career. With my career: I get bored after 1 year, and have never stayed at a company for more than 18 months. Once I understand a company/team, it's hard to picture settling for this position and the realistic growth prospects forever. I'm always networking to find the next job/startup t…

I'm not sure if my situation is comparable since I'm a lot younger then you are and I haven't married yet. but I can relate to the feelings you describe. I settled when my ego bursted into shiny balls of flame and I really needed someone I could trust 100%. shifting your ambition away from relationships and learning to compromise is the hardest part.

Oh, I dig the "trust 100%" part. When I act like a sociopath and dump a job or a woman, trust issues are always a big part of it.

I don't trust my boss/girlfriend enough to talk to him/her about what makes me uneasy, and/or do anything to improve things. So I just cut it off.

I am lucky enough right now to have a woman that I trust 99%. I'm still unsure about moving in and marriage, but you made me realize how important she is in my life. She is a friend and a teammate that I can bounce anything off of. I don't always love what she tells me but it feels better than keeping secrets.

I'm going to do my best to get that to 100%, and make sure she feels the same way about me.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#79

Post by Tichy »

TrevorJ wrote: post #77
Tichy wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything" But you are compromising: your compromise is that you can't experience marriage.

Edit: I replied to the wrong comment somehow - my apologies, I meant to reply to the person who was talking about marriage=prison.

How so? How could there be - marriage can be created by two people to their liking? OK, that is a presupposition, that the rules are not fixed. Is it wrong? If it fails, there is even the possibility of divorce.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#80

Post by BearOfNH »

fizx wrote: post #49
cliveholloway wrote: post #37

Here's a rational approach that may be appreciated here :) Make a concious decision to try and settle down with one of the first 6 girls you date. Here's the rules: 1) don't settle for the first one you date. 2) the next one you date that is better than the first one you dated is the one you settle for. Why? Do the math. Let's label them 123456. If you date 1 first, you have 1 in 5 chance of ending up with any of the…

You should look at http://www.parabola.unsw.edu.au/vol45_no2/node2.html which derives that the best strategy is to use the first 1/e of your potential dating life to set a baseline, and then choose the best partner that exceeds it.

and then choose the best partner that exceeds it

Meaning, choose the next candidate who is better than the previous ones.

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