Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012) • Hacker News Board

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#681

Post by incompatible » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 9:59 PM UTC

emodendroket wrote: post #653

ZenoArrow wrote: post #390

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it helps to have played a sport before to appreciate watching it. For example, when I was younger I used to play some football (soccer). I don't play at the moment, but when I watch a game there's a lot more for me to pick up on because of that past experience. I get that to someone who's never played before the game might look uninteresting as it's a relatively low point scoring game (compared to something l…

I don't doubt that that really deepens your appreciation, but I think even through repeated watching you can come to appreciate the game more. To give the most obvious example, someone without a lot of familiarity with football would probably be confused about why they were go back five yards behind where they were after the last play instead of the last place they got to because the penalty system isn't obvious to a…

I'm not even sure if your references to football and soccer are the same sport, or two different sports. I think they usually mean the same thing, except in certain countries where other sports (such as rugby) are called football instead.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#682

Post by davesque » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 10:36 PM UTC

benhoyt wrote: post #559

gowld wrote: post #294

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Perversely, in some very homophobic cultures, men hold hands with men because they are so homophobic that there is not even an insinuation that they might be willing to publicly show homosexual inclinations, so handholding is assumed platonic.

Yes, this is common for Arab men -- when I was in Sudan men (even middle aged and older men) held hands walking down the street. To a westerner it just looks very odd, but it's normal for them. However, I think your (gowld's) comment transfers a lot of cultural baggage and sexual-orientation lingo from western culture in a way that I think is quite rude. Those Sudanese guys weren't holding hands "peversely, because t…

That's my understanding. It's not an expression of homophobia but just simply one of friendship.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#683

Post by croon » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 11:06 PM UTC

emodendroket wrote: post #574

croon wrote: post #524

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You are right in your description, but I disagree with your conclusion. Yes, the statistics of people in weight loss programs keeping their weight off is really low, but this could have many explanations: * Are they included because they wanted a one-time solution to a permanent problem? * Did they initially get coaching that they later lost? * Did the changes they made temporarily not work for them personally in the…

So essentially you agree that we live in an environment that encourages obesity but in the end you think individuals should just "suck it up" and try harder. I think this is unlikely to ever see success for a large percentage of people and I don't think it's fair to fault people for not succeeding.

No, I'm saying if someone wants to live longer they should, because the environment around them is much less likely to change. It isn't fair, but it works and is the path with least resistance, not low resistance.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#684

Post by nitrogen » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 11:25 PM UTC

nitrogen wrote: post #623

infinite8s wrote: post #382

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How is expecting someone to honor a mutual meeting time that they've agreed to in advance a selfish desire that everyone moves to their whims!

Because it assumes that their desire for an inviolable mutual meeting time is the only factor in the world that matters. It places their own plans on a pedestal above all other factors that might influence the plans of others.

Not that many will be reading this thread at this point, but for the record I'll add that punctuality is a means to an end, not an end in itself. Those who obsess over punctuality are inconsiderate, at best, of every other means, end, demand, and desire.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#685

Post by zanny » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 11:43 PM UTC

rqs wrote: post #547

zanny wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You forge friendship through common struggle. You need to offer one another something or you just introduce yourselves and let one another drift off in opposite directions without any bond forged. You form your first friendships really early on with an extremely strong commonality - the hugeness of the world and your lack of information about it. Literally everything is in common with your peers circa age 2-4 because…

> Pokemon Go, and video games in general, are extremely effective ways to get people a commonality to force them together and interacting in ways that can build meaningful bonds Isn't this also true when you join any group of people who sharing the same goal? For example: A soccer or football team or gym? Or maybe a book club even.

I think it comes down to psychology more than anything, albeit I'm not a psychologist. Games are designed for immersion. When you play the best kinds of video games that can get you really invested in them most people can express the feelings of struggle, victory, and defeat they can project through their narratives and interactivity. So psychologically if you "save the world" or "catch / slay a monster" with complete engagement with others your brain can really impress that in your brain with that degree of impact. Personally I will never forget the first time my guild beat Ragnaros in World of Warcraft back in 2006, and I still keep in touch with a lot of the members of that guild despite substantial divergence of interests and lives since then because it was such a well articulated accomplishment at the time.

Sports and books respectively are missing an element of that formula. Sports aren't immersive. The obstacle is always just a game, for fun. Except when it isn't. There is a reason major sports professionals form lifelong bonds amongst each other while a volleyball club doesn't have as profound an impact. Your brain doesn't create a mountain of importance out of the sport.

For books, there is no common enemy to struggle and persevere against. You can get really immersed, but that makes the book memorable, not the people you talk about it with. In the same sense it is better than nothing and can produce friendship, but its not nearly as effective.

The trick is that none of it can be forced. You can't "make" yourself care, and nobody else can. It has to be a legitimate struggle with legitimate engagement and sense of comradery. Kids in school can feel that sense. Immersed gamers can feel it. If you are passionate about game development you can feel that with your codevs. But you need both pieces for the magical result.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#686

Post by emodendroket » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 11:46 PM UTC

cornholio wrote: post #678

emodendroket wrote: post #652

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's also important to point out a strong self selection bias in such studies: we mostly deal with those who were overweight and needed to start a diet, so they probably had low impulse control to begin with. By this metric some three-quarters of Americans have poor impulse control (cf. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obesity_in_the_United_States#/... ), so I think it is actually the other group that is exceptional.

That's why I mentioned cultural norms, I really don't know how many of those Americans really want to lose weight, but it's clearly not a reflection of typical human capacity for self control. There are many other nations that reached comparable prosperity and food abundance at similar times, yet don't have even comparable obesity rates. An extreme case is Japan, at 3.5% obesity rate maintained largely though willpow…

Well, I have a few objections to that:

1. There are other differences in Japan -- most obviously a very different diet

2. Obesity rates in other countries are catching up to the United States.

3. The first two points call into question your claim that Americans are uniquely lacking in willpower.

4. I don't want to live in a society where people are fired or ostracized for being fat because it is cruel and inhumane.

5. The US has a $66 billion weight loss market, suggesting many Americans do want to lose weight (cf., https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/us-weight-loss-mark...), but I'll leave it to the oracles to decipher what you mean by "really" want.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#687

Post by shrimp_emoji » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 11:54 PM UTC

mcjiggerlog wrote: post #633

julianilson wrote: post #590

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fellow expat here. This problem had been on my mind for years. Like you said, the main challenge is how to spot the most compatible people in a sea of strangers that are in a similar phase in life. I built We3 to try to make this easier (and it looks like it's working!). We launched recently and matched around 30k people already. It's a mobile app where profiles are private. And it connects people in groups of 3, but…

Looks like a cool tool, but I just wanted to add that I'm a man with at least 50% female friends, so restricting me to only making friends with men is a shame. I think we've moved past the whole "not being able to be friends with someone of the same gender" thing (nevermind the fact that people of the same gender can date!). There are probably better ways to tackle people using the app for dating.

>I think we've moved past the whole "not being able to be friends with someone of the same gender"

I think you meant to say "of the opposite gender".

I find it difficult to make friends with people of both genders, but my hobbies and interests seem partitioned strongly to one gender, virtually making the other gender seem alien and extra hard to make friends with. I don't know why that's the case, and it seems to be one of the great questions of our time along with others like what dark matter is. :0 Indeed, some of them seem to FEIGN interest for the purposes of mate seeking, but questioning each and every person's motives would devolve us into some kind of McCarthyist wasteland of jade, toxic cynicism.

One possible solution is to keep gender secret in interaction. Another would be to segregate interactions by gender. We3 chose the latter. I whine at the strangeness and unfashionable nature of humanity, but I can't whine at We3's decision. It seems to keep everything pretty--

>(nevermind the fact that people of the same gender can date!)

We're back to the wasteland.

Albeit a smaller wasteland, statistically.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#688

Post by rak00n » Thu, Feb 22, 2018, 12:02 AM UTC

soylentcola wrote: post #561

Aissen wrote: post #539

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately, once you stop playing, there's a big chance that all of this goes away. Side note: I'm surprised how in both Ingress & Pokemon GO, friendships cross team boundaries; you can be adversaries and friends, like in any respectable sport.

When I unexpectedly found myself single after a long-term relationship imploded last year, I did the Tinder/OKCupid thing for a bit. One of the more amusing experiences was when I had planned a date with a girl and was telling a friend about it. At one point after describing the girl's profile, my friend stopped me and asked about some detail before pausing and telling me "she's a smurf! I know her!" (For those unfam…

That's a really cute story. Glad you shared.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#689

Post by shrimp_emoji » Thu, Feb 22, 2018, 12:05 AM UTC

jbverschoor wrote: post #507

scardine wrote: post #502

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People take me by an extrovert all the time. I learned to look less nerdy by mimicking my extrovert twin brother. I was the weirdest guy of the school and he was the most popular. Have you ever wondered if deep inside you are an introvert that just got very good at pretending to be an extrovert at early age due to social pressure? Western society rewards extroverts.

Introvert/extravert is how you recover your energy. You can perfectly be sociable and an introvert.

I thought both introverts and extraverts get energy by digesting food!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#690

Post by mcjiggerlog » Thu, Feb 22, 2018, 12:05 AM UTC

shrimp_emoji wrote: post #687

mcjiggerlog wrote: post #633

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Looks like a cool tool, but I just wanted to add that I'm a man with at least 50% female friends, so restricting me to only making friends with men is a shame. I think we've moved past the whole "not being able to be friends with someone of the same gender" thing (nevermind the fact that people of the same gender can date!). There are probably better ways to tackle people using the app for dating.

>I think we've moved past the whole "not being able to be friends with someone of the same gender" I think you meant to say "of the opposite gender". I find it difficult to make friends with people of both genders, but my hobbies and interests seem partitioned strongly to one gender, virtually making the other gender seem alien and extra hard to make friends with. I don't know why that's the case, and it seems to be…

I meant opposite, yes!