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Confronting failure as a core life skill

buildinghealthier.substack.com

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Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#61

Post by Etheryte »

davidscolgan wrote: post #45

It feels like I have failed in every way that is possible. I have lost my wife, my child, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my house burned down with all of my possessions. I lost my ability to code due to burnout and had to spend several years doing nothing. During my burnout experience I was basically forced to confront the roaring void of existence. I spent time at a monastery and contemplated the futility…

Sorry to hear you have suffered, happy to hear you've found peace with how life has treated you. I wouldn't say I'm a deeply spiritual person in any way, but I've seen many people around me find solace in spirituality when going through hardships. What did your path to spirituality or religion or however you'd like to call it look like? How do you look at the world now, or how would you describe what you practice?

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#62

Post by mdp2021 »

dom_hutton wrote: post #52
asdf6677 wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[flagged]

Your reply is dismissive of the OPs grievances they shared with us all. Suffering, and life, is a relative experience.

I think the poster wanted to be encouraging.

"We all know it could be considered as something, but, that given, let us just turn perspective and say: it's nothing".

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#63

Post by mdp2021 »

thumbuddy wrote: post #43
mdp2021 wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> 99% of people want you to That seems detached from reality and a dangerous, more than productive, idea. They are more probably uninterested or superficial (which is in a way the same). You do not need to feign enemies to get detached. Or, you should find a better environment.

Uh, pretty much every job I've worked at has been like that. There's a surprisingly common psychological fallacy that, if someone loses something another person gains something. It's an incredibly common fallacy https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero-sum_thinking . Of course there have been a few decent people along the way but I'd say the majority of people would walk past someone dying on a side walk. Millions of sto…

I can tell you that there exist environments which are not cut-throat and that are cooperative.

Rational individuals understand immediately that cooperation gives more return than its opposite. If you show to be an asset, you are everybody's asset. Sure, there is an epidemic of irrationality - but it did not hit every environment, and there exist cultures which had that idea of cooperation permeated societally. (Especially as the whole point of "society" is cooperation.)

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#64

Post by mdp2021 »

antonvs wrote: post #57
Arisaka1 wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>There is a stigma associated with failure that society still hasn't accepted. I don't think that the stigma is only associated with failure, but also with lacking talent/gift. Founders, developers, etc. simply want to look pristine, flawless, gifted. The mythical unicorn who "everything who touches turns to success" and any setback or effort is downplayed. In the company I previously worked for as a junior developer…

> When I asked him how to "become as good as you are" This is an almost insulting question. What are you expecting, some magic trick? Go spend years studying, working hard, and focusing on improving yourself.

Other people, in the group of those who make their own business to study success, swear that asking people how they became so good at what they do is a core recipe. (Good old Brian Tracy is the first that comes to mind: "never amounted to much until asked the right guy the right advice".)

And you are posting precisely in a place where we share.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#65

Post by moneywoes »

safety1st wrote: post #33
monero-xmr wrote: post #10

To paraphrase Richard Pryor, I support anyone trying to do anything at anytime. It’s so, so easy to be a passive consumer, a critic. It is so much more dangerous and vulnerable to put yourself out there and make something - anything - beyond simply doing what you are told. Whether it’s making art or making businesses. If you start businesses, you will fail. Fact of life. Happened to me many times. You know what inves…

I really needed this right now. Thank you. We had some negative customer feedback come in last night and a contract was canceled because of it. I wish this customer had responded to my emails asking for feedback over the last three months but they didn't. Now it's over and done with and some of the most damning feedback we've ever received. It breaks my heart, I'm in a low place today. But as you say, business is har…

May I ask if you saw it coming?

What were they upset about

Can it be rectifyied?

Here to help

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#66

Post by moneywoes »

38 wrote: post #4

I wish I could be more honest with my failures, but people have abused my trust so many times I have lost count. at some point you just have to cut your losses and keep it to yourself, or to a few select few.

At work or in personal relationships?

One thing I'm learning is that it's not advisable to share these failures with potential /partners

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#67

Post by moneywoes »

calrain wrote: post #15

Wow, this aligns with my experiences starting a solo tech start up and then getting acquired as I ran out of cash. The company that acquired my company then went through internal struggles and the result was that I left after a few years, unable to add value any more. It feels like a failure, but equally it feels like a good lesson, but a painful one. It's 2 years after I left and I still think about it. If I could s…

You did the impossible and sold

Also, as a solo founder, I found what you did comendable instead of a 'failure'

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#68

Post by [deleted] »

calrain wrote: post #15

Wow, this aligns with my experiences starting a solo tech start up and then getting acquired as I ran out of cash. The company that acquired my company then went through internal struggles and the result was that I left after a few years, unable to add value any more. It feels like a failure, but equally it feels like a good lesson, but a painful one. It's 2 years after I left and I still think about it. If I could s…

[deleted]

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#69

Post by davidscolgan »

Etheryte wrote: post #61
davidscolgan wrote: post #45

It feels like I have failed in every way that is possible. I have lost my wife, my child, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my house burned down with all of my possessions. I lost my ability to code due to burnout and had to spend several years doing nothing. During my burnout experience I was basically forced to confront the roaring void of existence. I spent time at a monastery and contemplated the futility…

Sorry to hear you have suffered, happy to hear you've found peace with how life has treated you. I wouldn't say I'm a deeply spiritual person in any way, but I've seen many people around me find solace in spirituality when going through hardships. What did your path to spirituality or religion or however you'd like to call it look like? How do you look at the world now, or how would you describe what you practice?

Perhaps the most important event of my life was discovering I have autism at age 33. Many things that didn't make sense suddenly did. I pointed my hyperfocus inward to my own mind, at first because I had lost the ability to code and make a living, and wanted to heal my "coding injuries" as I had called them. I had become an atheist at age 20 and primarily had used psychology to try and figure out what was happening.

I studied Buddhism under a mentor and realized that many of the principles applied regardless of your beliefs about cosmology. The idea that all problems humans face can be summarized as "greed, ignorance, and aversion" was a useful frame. These helped me triangulate the ultimate source of my burnout to unmet family expectations that I had for many years tried to live up to but could not. Confronting my family about these expectations and taking responsibility for my own life was absolutely key in my healing.

These days I don't exactly have a set practice but I still live with my mentors. They started a syncretic monastery that welcomes all traditions, and observing the similarities and differences between worldviews has been quite eye opening. The most valuable practice I take from all this is a honed awareness of the root causes of suffering, and I've found that once the root cause is identified, it becomes possible to release it.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#70

Post by i_like_pie1 »

davidscolgan wrote: post #45

It feels like I have failed in every way that is possible. I have lost my wife, my child, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my house burned down with all of my possessions. I lost my ability to code due to burnout and had to spend several years doing nothing. During my burnout experience I was basically forced to confront the roaring void of existence. I spent time at a monastery and contemplated the futility…

wish you peace and strength

thank you for sharing

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