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Confronting failure as a core life skill

buildinghealthier.substack.com

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Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#31

Post by kxrm »

dwrodri wrote: post #25
kxrm wrote: post #18

I am pretty open about my past failures with others but I definitely understand why people aren't. There is a stigma associated with failure that society still hasn't accepted. My last job I held the title of VP of Engineering. It was a small company and during my time there I recognized that the title was outsized for what I actually did. I was actually more of an Engineering Manager. All of my direct reports were I…

Was there a strong reason why you never just… changed the title on your résumé? I would assume the position you ended up in is a function of many different things, but if people embellish their accomplishments on their résumés by making them seem “bigger”, i see no reason why it’s not worth changing it to seem smaller.

I did, but doesn't this basically go against what this article is saying? Plus if they ever called to confirm my position at the prior company, how would the old company react?

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#32

Post by ArnoVW »

hyperhello wrote: post #3

“We were a tech-enabled therapy platform for children with autism. I recently decided to stop working on it, we sold part of the company, and I shut the rest down. It was a wild ride: we were sued, we raised millions of dollars, hired over 130 people, and I made tons of mistakes.” I’m going to be equally honest. How does it make sense on a base-of-system level? What were 130 people doing? What could the technology po…

Don't know the product, but anything that acts as a force multiplier for education / healthcare without that value being 100% captured by already rich people, or quality being reduced, is a miracle.

You should be proud of yourself for just having tried to do it.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#33

Post by safety1st »

monero-xmr wrote: post #10

To paraphrase Richard Pryor, I support anyone trying to do anything at anytime. It’s so, so easy to be a passive consumer, a critic. It is so much more dangerous and vulnerable to put yourself out there and make something - anything - beyond simply doing what you are told. Whether it’s making art or making businesses. If you start businesses, you will fail. Fact of life. Happened to me many times. You know what inves…

I really needed this right now. Thank you.

We had some negative customer feedback come in last night and a contract was canceled because of it. I wish this customer had responded to my emails asking for feedback over the last three months but they didn't. Now it's over and done with and some of the most damning feedback we've ever received.

It breaks my heart, I'm in a low place today. But as you say, business is hard. Being a passive consumer-critic is easy. I will say that once you start a business and get your hands dirty, I think you can never go back. You see how hard it is to make the sausage and you gain a lot of respect for the process, even as you have random anons telling you to commit suicide on Twitter, how the men making a quarter million dollars at Google in SF are so oppressed because their rent is high, etc.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#34

Post by mattbee »

This is about a single business, that didn't get its investors a profitable outcome? A lot of people would consider getting paid for years to work on something you're passionate about a pretty good way to spend 4 years, let alone with enough saved to go travelling and blow off steam.

My old business was a pretty good way to spent 16 years. No investors, no goals, good pay, a perfect environment to stew in and sideline more personal failings.

That's what I want to read about - how am I going to fuck up the next business or relationship for the exact same reasons? Can I still do anything about that?

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#35

Post by TedDoesntTalk »

kxrm wrote: post #31
dwrodri wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Was there a strong reason why you never just… changed the title on your résumé? I would assume the position you ended up in is a function of many different things, but if people embellish their accomplishments on their résumés by making them seem “bigger”, i see no reason why it’s not worth changing it to seem smaller.

I did, but doesn't this basically go against what this article is saying? Plus if they ever called to confirm my position at the prior company, how would the old company react?

> but doesn't this basically go against what this article is saying?

The article is saying don’t hide from or pad your failures. Your failure was not a wrong title.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#36

Post by Arisaka1 »

kxrm wrote: post #18

I am pretty open about my past failures with others but I definitely understand why people aren't. There is a stigma associated with failure that society still hasn't accepted. My last job I held the title of VP of Engineering. It was a small company and during my time there I recognized that the title was outsized for what I actually did. I was actually more of an Engineering Manager. All of my direct reports were I…

>There is a stigma associated with failure that society still hasn't accepted.

I don't think that the stigma is only associated with failure, but also with lacking talent/gift. Founders, developers, etc. simply want to look pristine, flawless, gifted. The mythical unicorn who "everything who touches turns to success" and any setback or effort is downplayed.

In the company I previously worked for as a junior developer I had 2 colleagues. Let's call them Tom and Bob. I once made the mistake of asking for feedback on how to improve from Tom. And the mistake I made was thinking that his feedback would focus on maximizing constructiveness aka. inform me with ways that would be actionable for me. When I asked him how to "become as good as you are" what he instead gave me as an answer was "my brain simply works differently".

We can argue over whether I asked the right or wrong question and I will agree with you that perhaps if the question was posed differently the answer may have been more constructive. However, I don't think that this detracts anything from my original point: When communicating, especially in career/business contexts, we have multiple goals in mind. And one of the goals that we have is to ensure that we don't show to others how hard we had to work, or how many times we failed until we understood a concept.

And this need will never ever go away, because impressions and perceptions are important. It's also the reason why companies will insist on keeping in their job openings "call for talents", "seeking talented developers", etc. I've even seen Linkedin job posts with 200+ applicants and at first was impressed, but then found out that some companies just reopen the same job ad to avoid resetting the counter because apparently having "200+ applicants" is giving the impression that lots of developers out there who would do anything to join them.

You'll always have people or/and companies that prettify or up-sell something they did because (especially in career contexts) perception and impression is important, and it's not just about being constructive/educational to other founders/developers etc. but to also look great while doing it.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#37

Post by thumbuddy »

38 wrote: post #4

I wish I could be more honest with my failures, but people have abused my trust so many times I have lost count. at some point you just have to cut your losses and keep it to yourself, or to a few select few.

Screw them

If they are there to watch you burn it's because they fear failing so bad they want to reinforce their world view or control their surroundings such that no one around them attempts anything they can fail at.

Unironically they are failing at those things because they don't work. Now get this, if you go off and do something right... They have failed again.

99% of people want you to suffer and fail at everything you do. The trick is realizing they don't matter whatsoever no matter who they are.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#38

Post by remote_phone »

dwrodri wrote: post #25
kxrm wrote: post #18

I am pretty open about my past failures with others but I definitely understand why people aren't. There is a stigma associated with failure that society still hasn't accepted. My last job I held the title of VP of Engineering. It was a small company and during my time there I recognized that the title was outsized for what I actually did. I was actually more of an Engineering Manager. All of my direct reports were I…

Was there a strong reason why you never just… changed the title on your résumé? I would assume the position you ended up in is a function of many different things, but if people embellish their accomplishments on their résumés by making them seem “bigger”, i see no reason why it’s not worth changing it to seem smaller.

Yup. Change your title to Senior Manager and be done with it. I don’t know why you would stick with VP of Engineering when everyone including yourself knew it was BS. There’s no shame in correcting the title.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#39

Post by mdp2021 »

safety1st wrote: post #33
monero-xmr wrote: post #10

To paraphrase Richard Pryor, I support anyone trying to do anything at anytime. It’s so, so easy to be a passive consumer, a critic. It is so much more dangerous and vulnerable to put yourself out there and make something - anything - beyond simply doing what you are told. Whether it’s making art or making businesses. If you start businesses, you will fail. Fact of life. Happened to me many times. You know what inves…

I really needed this right now. Thank you. We had some negative customer feedback come in last night and a contract was canceled because of it. I wish this customer had responded to my emails asking for feedback over the last three months but they didn't. Now it's over and done with and some of the most damning feedback we've ever received. It breaks my heart, I'm in a low place today. But as you say, business is har…

> I wish this customer had responded to

Are you taking the occasion to reconsider strategy of approach, to get feedback?

Sorry, just an aside. Nonetheless, on the known line to translate "failures" into "lessons".

--

Update: I must leave the console now, but I hope the sniper passing by posts some argument. Hopefully different from "Insensitive", here where the exact point is (1) treating events as something preventable given some wisdom, to be built, and (2) treating events as something to be analyzed, instead of borne - to neutralize them.

Re: Confronting failure as a core life skill

#40

Post by mdp2021 »

thumbuddy wrote: post #37
38 wrote: post #4

I wish I could be more honest with my failures, but people have abused my trust so many times I have lost count. at some point you just have to cut your losses and keep it to yourself, or to a few select few.

Screw them If they are there to watch you burn it's because they fear failing so bad they want to reinforce their world view or control their surroundings such that no one around them attempts anything they can fail at. Unironically they are failing at those things because they don't work. Now get this, if you go off and do something right... They have failed again. 99% of people want you to suffer and fail at everyt…

> 99% of people want you to

That seems detached from reality and a dangerous, more than productive, idea. They are more probably uninterested or superficial (which is in a way the same). You do not need to feign enemies to get detached.

Or, you should find a better environment.

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