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Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

theatlantic.com

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Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#61

Post by pvg »

owinebarger wrote: post #56
pvg wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Nonsense. It is very much about relationships. Read the title. Now, you can argue that it's metaphorically about or related to other things but the problem with that kind of mush-headed reasoning is then everything is about everything and everything is appropriate for any forum. It's the sort of dilution and loss of focus that that makes forums grow useless. When you fired up your browser and brought up HN today, wer…

You are confusing the pragmatics of the decision to take the plunge into marriage with the underlying relationship. I'm interested in entrepreneurial risk-taking, and the kinds of considerations and miscalculations discussed in the article are entirely relevant. There's nothing metaphoric about it, though you may find some of the obscuring detail extraneous or expressed in an insufficiently detached manner.

I'm confusing something? You just called an article about relationships an article not about relationships. And the risk taking described in the article is not 'entrepreneurial' except metaphorically. The article is about finding a husband. Sure, you can find some kind of business-related lesson in there but again, if you can do that you can find a business-related lesson in almost anything.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#62

Post by arojahn »

mklg1266 wrote: post #39

I hate being a 20-something women. Everybody on the planet, from doctors to HN, feels the need to comment on the apparently glaring biological clock ticking over my head, and make assumptions about A) my happiness and B) my nefarious ulterior dating motives. I will posit that there exist women who don't base their self-worth and happiness entirely on the approval and acceptance of a man. I will further posit that the…

I'm a female entrepreneur aged 32, happily unmarried. Yes, there are women out there 'who aren't married by 30 because they haven't met someone they want to marry yet and are totally OK with that.' - I'm one of them. But this kind of article is the reason why it's sometimes hard - because no-one will ever believe you if you claim that you are not set on getting married and you're not keen on having kids. I've even heard the theory that I founded two startups because I didn't find the right guy to marry and have kids with.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#63

Post by Tichy »

impeachgod wrote: post #47
rajat wrote: post #41

From the vantage point of a 20-year marriage: it's always about compromising, about settling. My wife and I had, I suppose, one of those romantic, instant connections. She's from Sweden, my parents are from India and I grew up in the Bronx. We ran into each other at IBM Research, and we moved in together on our second date. Instant chemistry, very romantic. But during the 20 years of marriage, the way we met didn't m…

I suppose this is why I don't ever want to marry. I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything. I want to be like Richard Stallman with his iron stubbornness. I think some people are built for marriage, some are not.

"I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything"

But you are compromising: your compromise is that you can't experience marriage.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#64

Post by Tichy »

mklg1266 wrote: post #39

I hate being a 20-something women. Everybody on the planet, from doctors to HN, feels the need to comment on the apparently glaring biological clock ticking over my head, and make assumptions about A) my happiness and B) my nefarious ulterior dating motives. I will posit that there exist women who don't base their self-worth and happiness entirely on the approval and acceptance of a man. I will further posit that the…

"aren't married by 30 because they haven't met someone they want to marry yet"

It seems to become more difficult with age, though. Easy for you to be annoyed, if you are still in your twenties. What if you are 40? A lot of things will look different by then, I think so much is safe to assume.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#65

Post by impeachgod »

Tichy wrote: post #63
impeachgod wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I suppose this is why I don't ever want to marry. I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything. I want to be like Richard Stallman with his iron stubbornness. I think some people are built for marriage, some are not.

"I realize that I do not want to give up the independence I have; to have to compromise anything" But you are compromising: your compromise is that you can't experience marriage.

That would be like saying that "my compromise is that I couldn't experience prison."

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#66

Post by noverloop »

risotto wrote: post #31
pvg wrote: post #10

The Cosmo-ification of HN continues apace. Next week, esr's sex tips FAQ. I know someone will very earnestly explain to me how this is on topic but really, it isn't.

30 year old male here... I'm not really happy for feeling this way, but I treat relationships with women not unlike I treat my jobs/career. With my career: I get bored after 1 year, and have never stayed at a company for more than 18 months. Once I understand a company/team, it's hard to picture settling for this position and the realistic growth prospects forever. I'm always networking to find the next job/startup t…

I'm not sure if my situation is comparable since I'm a lot younger then you are and I haven't married yet. but I can relate to the feelings you describe. I settled when my ego bursted into shiny balls of flame and I really needed someone I could trust 100%. shifting your ambition away from relationships and learning to compromise is the hardest part.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#68

Post by brc »

nfnaaron wrote: post #7
Tichy wrote: post #4

Couldn't there be a third way: make demands less strict in society? I remember reading that women in Iceland are among the happiest on the planet, because they are not under so much strain to sustain a relationship forever. It is not frowned upon to break up. Women just move back with families and date again. Since > 50% of marriages seem to break anyway (if I remember correctly), maybe it would be better to approach…

Someone in the marriage breakup industry told me that 75% of all second marriages fail. I think we should have five and ten year civil contracts, with options to renew. What you do religiously is your own business.

Well, out of 4 siblings in my family there are two divorces. Except that only one sibling has been divorced : twice.

Divorce statistics are very much a case of lies, damn lies and statistics and are of no use in assessing the likelihood of a successful marriage.

For the record, the 'love' concept of marriage is very much a modern day invention. For most of human history it's been a partly arranged affair to provide a solid foundation with which to bring up children. It's still mostly that (about bringing up children) though the wedding industry likes to convince you it's all about finding the right person and having a romantic time.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#69

Post by derefr »

cynicalkane wrote: post #51
derefr wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You presume wrongly. Communities begin with a "primary demographic"—people who are there for what it says on the tin. Over time, though, these communities start to lure in "secondary demographics" that are interested in both the community topic and other topics, but then those people in turn lure in "tertiary demographics," who aren't interested in the stated purpose of the community at all, only about the hybrid on-…

I'm interested in hacking, startups, and also the OP article. Why do you claim I don't exist?

You exist; you are exactly within the "secondary demographic" I mentioned.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#70

Post by randallsquared »

iamwil wrote: post #5
ardit33 wrote: post #3

It might sound awful, but this is one of the reasons I avoid dating 28+ girls (I am 29 myself). 1. Too much pressure. (even if it is not explicit, given her standing, it is implicit) 2. I don't know if she likes me for me, or just because her clock is ticking. On the flip side, girls it have really really easy on their early 20s. That might create an "suply is infinite" kind of thinking in girls, and maybe perhaps ev…

How about the case for older women? http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/02/16/the-case-for-an...

That only works if you want to have kids immediately, or want to never have kids. If, like me, you're a guy who wants to have kids in 5-10 years, late-30s women are just out of the running, no matter what great qualities they may have otherwise. Due to biology, the marriageable age range for women doesn't really change as a guy gets older, unless he's done having kids or doesn't want them.
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