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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#561

Post by mikelyons »

fredophile wrote: post #515
mikelyons wrote: post #421

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using their youth and looks for hedonism. Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we loving…

It sounds like you're looking for potential matches in the wrong places. If you're looking on Tinder you shouldn't be surprised that a lot of people just want to hook up. You might have better like if you spend time with more socially conservative groups. Churches often have social gatherings where you might have better luck finding someone closer to what you seem to be looking for.

This is sound advice but I can also see that it seems unlikely for someone with radical spiritual views.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#562

Post by anon9001 »

hhjinks wrote: post #551
anon9001 wrote: post #360

I'm shocked at how many people seem to be doing OK or have minor complaints. For me, I've realized that if I have to do anything for 40+ hours a week on a schedule, after a couple of weeks, I'd prefer being dead. I could be a professional ice cream taste tester or race car driver, and after about 3 weeks of showing up at a fixed time and putting in 8 hours, I'd still be ready to off myself again. When I have week-lon…

Here comes an inverse take. I used to believe what you believe... Before I started working. I couldn't imagine getting up before 9 every day and go to work, get home around 5, and repeat that every day. Now that I've actually started working, I've completely changed. I took a week off to play Classic, but I was tearing my eyes out after three days, bored out of my mind. Now I feel like I can never see myself retiring…

I'm blown away by that. How did you make the transition? I didn't know anyone transitioned from how I think about life to how you now think about it.

I've got "love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life" filed somewhere between "atheism is just a phase" and "you'll want kids some day".

I'm starting to think I've missed some key developmental step.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#563

Post by mikelyons »

uwuhn wrote: post #463
codesushi42 wrote: post #428

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The women... aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol Yeah, it can't be you , it must be them . Back to the topic. This is what I hate about the tech profession: how it perceives women. It is not healthy.

You should definitely find a new employer if your current environment is reflective of the comment that you were responding to. I can't even imagine working somewhere like that.

Imagine going from the professional setting to the setting where you have to attract a mate.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#564

Post by blaser-waffle »

Waterluvian wrote: post #376
satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. When I lived in Waterloo, everyone was a software person or related so it wasn't a problem. But I moved to a small city where almost everyone is a factory worker of some sort for farming or auto industries. When someone asks and I say I'm a software engineer, it usually stops there. Or they'll say something along the lines…

Yeah I know that feel. In a big city on the US East Coast no one bats an eye if you're a network engineer or front-end dev, but now, living in Western Canada, I feel incongruous. Everyone I know is in some sort of natural resource extraction (oil/gas/mining/lumber/farming) and, even though some of them are supremely well paid, it definitely feels like a class and culture mismatch.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#565

Post by agumonkey »

appleiigs wrote: post #94
mpfundstein wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Asking that question is the simple part. I am more curious what he actually does afterwards to reduce the stress..

I wouldn't dismiss the effect of simply asking the question. Often the boss can't do anything about it. But it's helpful for many employees to be at least heard.

Totally. For most humans the feeling of being listened to is already a huge step.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#566

Post by midwestcode »

codingstuffs wrote: post #535

Appreciate the question. Not particularly - the work culture at my current employer is slowly killing me. I have managed (through meds/therapy) depression/anxiety. The startup I'm currently working for has no work/life balance, which is severely starting to affect my health. Engineers are on call all the time. Having to check email on nights and weekends is just a normal week now. There is very little task management…

Hey, I've been there! Still recovering from the burnout almost a whole year later in a new role.

I encourage you to try hard to set boundaries. Only be available after hours by direct phone calls, if possible. Set boundaries on phone calls, especially when you aren't on-call (i.e., "No, I cannot help with this right now, it will have to wait until work hours."). Stop checking into e-mails and work content outside of work. Stay away from politics, news, and other potential stressors for now. Don't think that you always have to exceed expectations. Doing "okay" is an option. Failing is an option. In a start-up, I'm not sure if this logic follows, but in larger corporations it absolutely does... I'd say I wouldn't want to work at a start-up if they didn't support that though!

In the meantime (and I know this is really tough to juggle), I highly recommend seeking out a different role if you can. If they're doing it to you now, they will always do it to you. You need to get out if it's not serving you well. There are better positions out there. No promotion is worth the amount of mental recovery you'll need to do afterwards.

That's my take coming out of a similar position... YMMV, take it all with a grain of salt. Also I'm glad to hear you're seeking out therapy. It saved my life during those dark days.

Best of luck, stay strong, you've got this --

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#567

Post by WrtCdEvrydy »

asdkhadsj wrote: post #216
hayksaakian wrote: post #152

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Good point. One way I could try to pre empt this is to say: "nobody was ever fired for answering 4 or 5 to this question" But I'm not sure how effective that would be.

That question (and all variations of it) give me stress just thinking about answering lol. I immediately begin to micro-analyze what the likely outcome would be for each scenario. Does these get recorded, and reflected upon to judge my ability? Will it spread? What will the 1on1 manager think of me? If I answer 4-5 am I not capable? If I answer 1-2, are they going to think I'm more capable than I am, and overwork me?…

We had someone answer 5 because they had just had a family member die... I asked him if he wanted to apply for bereavement leave.. he declined because he wanted to immerse himself in work.

I kept up with him until he felt at around a 3 and then I asked him to take bereavement then... he kept sending me pictures of his WoW Classic character doing quests during his vacation... love that guy.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#569

Post by eq_sd_ »

AareyBaba wrote: post #545
gbrown wrote: post #330

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing you can consider (in the US): quit and file for unemployment benefits - it's a hostile work environment, so youre entitled to this. That would give you some cushion while searching for a new job.

Googled "can you quit and file for unemployment". To qualify for unemployment, you must be out of work through no fault of your own. If you quit your job voluntarily, without good cause, you won't be eligible for unemployment benefits. However, if you are forced out and/or have good cause to quit, you may still be eligible for benefits, depending on the circumstances. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/unemploym…

I was fired and filed for unemployment and reported that it was a hostile environment. The benefits were quickly approved and no questions were asked beyond what the form asked for.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#570

Post by saxonslav »

WrtCdEvrydy wrote: post #450
Waterluvian wrote: post #393

I recently experienced months of sleeping problems. Where I wouldn't sleep for days. Or would sleep a few hours. I would be exhausted and my head would hit the pillow and BAM adrenaline and I can hear my heart pounding and I'm awake. It got so bad I would go into the basement and destroy a wall that I kept repairing. I would cry in frustration. I started to have suicidal thoughts. It was harming my marriage and made…

You'd be surprised how often I can't sleep, get up, play some World of Warships (usually 1-2 matches) and then go to sleep within 20 minutes... There's probably something about a context switch to something that isn't work at play... I may work with a friend to put together a small psychology experiment (he works at a medical school and has access to MRI machines).

Post results on HN or whatever niche blog that'll blow up in six months:)
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