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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#151

Post by RankingMember »

lr wrote: post #124
appleiigs wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wouldn't dismiss the effect of simply asking the question. Often the boss can't do anything about it. But it's helpful for many employees to be at least heard.

I find that, almost all the time, in all of the places I have worked, I feel worse when a higher-up tries to make myself or the group feel less stressed. They have always, almost universally, tried to make it sound like it is not bad. Or they say, "Take time off, and do not respond to emails ." And if you do that, the rest of the team gets crushed, and then you have an insane amount of work when you get back, which p…

Why would you respond to emails on vacation? If the rest of the team gets crushed when someone takes their allotted time off, there are bigger issues at play.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#152

Post by hayksaakian »

hprotagonist wrote: post #101
klenwell wrote: post #11

As a team lead, one question I always ask in my 1-on-1's: On a scale of 1-5 (low good, high bad), what's your stress level since we last met? If my teammate says 4 or 5, I ask what we can do to bring it down to a 3. We also address this as part of the simple assessment we do in each sprint retrospective. My company struggles to define meaningful KPIs and OKRs. This is the one that's most important to me.

"i'm going to answer 3 every time because if i say 4 or 5 i am worried and anxious that you're going to fire me." Welcome to impostor syndrome!

Good point.

One way I could try to pre empt this is to say: "nobody was ever fired for answering 4 or 5 to this question"

But I'm not sure how effective that would be.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#153

Post by IggleSniggle »

JaumeGreen wrote: post #40
klenwell wrote: post #11

As a team lead, one question I always ask in my 1-on-1's: On a scale of 1-5 (low good, high bad), what's your stress level since we last met? If my teammate says 4 or 5, I ask what we can do to bring it down to a 3. We also address this as part of the simple assessment we do in each sprint retrospective. My company struggles to define meaningful KPIs and OKRs. This is the one that's most important to me.

What if the stress is mostly from outside the job? Some of it could be "solvable" (better pay, better hours, ...), but some of it may not (family problems, health issues, ...). Is it taken into account or addressed?

A good 1:1 allows the direct report to share personal information, because the personal stuff affects the work. Take into account: yes, because turning a blind eye stunts your ability to manage your team to success. Addressed: during work hours, only insomuch as official company policy and built-in supports apply to the person's situation. Individuals are free to offer whatever other support they feel is appropriate outside of work context (although a good manager will also take into account how this will affect their team now and in the future)

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#155

Post by draxofavalon »

MentallyRetired wrote: post #108
dyadic wrote: post #49

Not really. My country is being ripped apart, everyone seems so hateful against the other, the government talks about record employment level and pay while people are using foodbanks and sleeping in the streets. My own life is great by the standards that people usually use to measure success. But it feels so empty. I'd rather check out and go and live in a cave on a hill, but all the land and caves have been parcelle…

I'd ask what third world country you live in, but it really sounds like America right now.

Yes, it feels like Argentina to me. I'm in Argentina.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#156

Post by CalRobert »

klenwell wrote: post #11

As a team lead, one question I always ask in my 1-on-1's: On a scale of 1-5 (low good, high bad), what's your stress level since we last met? If my teammate says 4 or 5, I ask what we can do to bring it down to a 3. We also address this as part of the simple assessment we do in each sprint retrospective. My company struggles to define meaningful KPIs and OKRs. This is the one that's most important to me.

In my 20's I would have told you the truth. Now I would lie to you, because I've worked in places that used this sort of thing against their employees.

If it's a 1 or 2 I will assume you want to push it to 3 as well.

It's not great, of course, but there is huge potential downside to being honest.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#157

Post by noonespecial »

theanine wrote: post #55

Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person and all the symptoms disappear. My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm gett…

A little perspective. $40k/year is about what glassdoor suggests you should make as the manager of a 7-11. A little one.

Don't be afraid of a temporary career change. I've done it twice to save myself from burnout. We get overly attached to a narrative about ourselves as developers and become convinced that we need an unbroken ladder of the latest gee-wiz frameworks and libraries to stay in the game. Outside of FAANG its mostly not true.

But first, start telling that bully no in the most non-confrontational way you can. Take the most unreasonable demand and politely say in response "no I don't think I'm going to do that". You actually have nothing to lose.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#158

Post by DoofusOfDeath »

hntemp190912 wrote: post #113

No. My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time. I'm not coping with it. I can't sleep well, and at night my thoughts are filled with ideas of suicide. The thought of putting a gun to my head is calming, like I'd finally be able to relax. I imagine a lot of elaborate and violent ways to go, and these thoughts seem to be the only things that relax me enough to fall asleep. There's no point…

I'm really sorry. I can relate a little about the work anxiety, but a lot about the existential dread.

While I don't have any pat answers for you, I'd like to encourage you about the existential anxiety you feel. If my personal experience is anything to by, you have a few reasons for hope on that front.

First, unless you've thoroughly explored a lot of world views, you can hold out hope that you'll find one that you conclude is true and which gives ultimate meaning to your time on earth.

Second, in my experience the acuteness of existential dread doesn't stay in the foreground forever. At the very least you might find relief by distracting yourself with video games, good movies, etc. But with some effort you can develop friendships that buoy your spirits and take your focus away from yourself.

I hope you play the long game on this. Having been in a similar place as you, I found that life can indeed get much better.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#159

Post by appleiigs »

RankingMember wrote: post #151
lr wrote: post #124

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find that, almost all the time, in all of the places I have worked, I feel worse when a higher-up tries to make myself or the group feel less stressed. They have always, almost universally, tried to make it sound like it is not bad. Or they say, "Take time off, and do not respond to emails ." And if you do that, the rest of the team gets crushed, and then you have an insane amount of work when you get back, which p…

Why would you respond to emails on vacation? If the rest of the team gets crushed when someone takes their allotted time off, there are bigger issues at play.

Yeah, being a hero can hide the real issues.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#160

Post by PatentlyDC123 »

hntemp190912 wrote: post #113

No. My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time. I'm not coping with it. I can't sleep well, and at night my thoughts are filled with ideas of suicide. The thought of putting a gun to my head is calming, like I'd finally be able to relax. I imagine a lot of elaborate and violent ways to go, and these thoughts seem to be the only things that relax me enough to fall asleep. There's no point…

I understand where you are. I’ve been there myself. Know that you have value and meaning. You might try to reach out to others (friends, family, etc.) and/or make a point to interact with groups (volunteering, meetups, sports games, church, trivia, etc.). Spending time with good people can be very helpful. Please also consider professional help. All the best to you.
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