Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

A picture of me

caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

51–60 of 186 posts

Re: A picture of me

#51

Post by shahar2k »

when I was 11 (1992) my family moved to the US (kansas) I barely spoke the language, spent 2 years in kansas, had to build a whole new friendgroup but kept in touch with friends back home through the just beginning internet (israel) I dont remember if it was hard to make friends, I do remember some people being complete shits to the foreign kid but oh well.. made some friends, graduated middle school...

when I was 13 we moved to Los angeles, I didnt know anyone, in a fairly small school, had to make all new friends, learn to socialize again, still kept in touch with israeli long term friends (we visited once a year at least), but no one from kansas. Slowly gathering friends here. then right at the end of highschool I realized a lot of people were just circumstantial friends. Social awkwardness caught up with me, folks I thought liked me were just there because of proximity.

Didnt know the college system well enough so went into a local community college, made some interesting friends, kept a couple from highschool kept in touch kept doing things together but mostly slowly rebuilt my "group" eventually figured out I love animation and art, applied to a real art school, and lost touch with all my community college friends..

in college again I built a group, small, I would socialize get close to, but eventually graduated, and lost touch, by graduation I had 2-3 close people but between pickiness and awkwardness I lost mostly everyone again.

as a graduate again worked hard, used okcupid, used meetup made a nice group of friends! ... 3-4 years later people grow apart until a big event happens and everyone breaks off on their own...

working a real job now and this cycle has repeated... maybe 2-3 more times making, keeping friends is a part time job, organize social events check in on people, assume there's always going to be a turnover, I still have friends I knew when I was 5 years old but we talk... rarely (though comfortably when I visit israel) and you simply cant stop life from eroding at that.

to not be alone, at least in the current world, I feel like I have to constantly make NEW friends, find new activities put myself out there, I've met people through dating apps, roomate situations, second hand connections, love interests, I'm NOT the most socially capable person but I keep hitting my head against that lonliness wall and at this point there's a nice deep dent in it to remind me it's not futile.

Re: A picture of me

#52

Post by prohobo »

There's a lot going on here, and I'm sure a lot of people have this problem. When I was growing up guys would talk like this in high school, and it was sort of understood that it's normal and they'd grow out of it. Except I don't think anyone ever actually did.

What grew instead was the rate of suicides, chronic loneliness, drug abuse, and homelessness.

All of our social ills have led to a kind of perfect storm of alienation and pacification to the point that people are so crestfallen that they don't even want to try to fix it. They'd rather bury their heads and try to live some semblance of a fulfilling life without dealing with the problem. I actually see this everywhere now and felt it myself in a lot of ways. Everyone just sort of bottles it all up, explodes periodically, then tries to continue doing the same thing.

In the absence of appropriate help and support, what else can anyone really do? It's hard to feel connection with others when you're in a quagmire that no one seems to notice. It boils down to pure alienation.

Someone recently opened my eyes to how we should go about connecting with others: we all seem to be waiting for someone to "get" us, and free us from whatever we think is holding us back. Many people feel themselves to be martyrs for their own cause, like the author of this blog post. They have pride and blame others for the lack of meaningful connection, holding onto their principles that they believe are important for creating said connection. The problem is that "psycho-social" healing, that is: fixing problems we have socially that are hurting us psychologically, and vice-versa, is only possible through social interaction. Some sort of compromise must be made. Psychologists tout the best way to help someone, whether they are shy, traumatized, or lonely, is to be there with them during a moment and be open towards them. In fact, you don't even really need to talk to them. Why do you think people love dogs so much?

As stupid as it may sound, trying to be like a dog around others when you notice that disconnect might be helpful. Perk up your ears and observe, without negative judgment. You don't have to tire yourself out trying to entertain, you don't have to let people cross your boundaries, you don't have to say anything in particular. Your own inadequacies aren't important, except that you need to be able to let go of negative connotations towards the other for that moment (whether you thought of them yourself or absorbed through osmosis).

The worst thing that can happen is that someone accuses you of being a furry enthusiast, or you accidentally find something interesting about someone other than yourself.

"Going your own way" is a sure-fire way to get hit by the brunt of whatever bad thing may be coming. From a purely problem-solving perspective: we know this is a widespread problem. We also know that alienation isn't the normal mode for human life, since we are social animals and built to rely on each other, so that means that unless all 8 billion of us are fundamentally broken and unfixable, we can find whatever is the opposite of alienation.

All other societal problems are downstream from that, in my opinion. People with strong connections and high morale - the will to live - face insurmountable odds and somehow prevail. It's practically a law of human nature.

Re: A picture of me

#53

Post by DoreenMichele »

I cannot take seriously all these fleeting pastimes and bucket lists and ultra-specific cultural critiques when the world is a horrible place that is going to implode soon if we don't do something about it.

At one time, we bonded with a short list of people physically close to us because that's all we had. We were forced to do so.

Now we can to some degree "choose our tribe" by going online and talking with people with similar interests rather than whomever happenstance tossed us in with. These are people who may "get" us better than siblings, parents, cousins, neighbors and coworkers would.

Or they may not.

So that's likely part of the issue for the author and many others.

But the other thing is the pull quote, above. Climate change. Eight billion humans. Etc.

It seems too big and too nebulous a problem for anyone to solve. It seems like an apocalypse.

But historically lots of people experienced local apocalypse. War came and wiped out their tribe or village or caused famine for the region and widespread illness. However, a lot of those stories died with their victims, never got recorded and passed on.

We have more knowledge of suffering, more ability to broadcast our stories no matter how much of a nobody we are, more awareness of a larger context that seems like too big a problem for anyone to solve.

If you are at all upbeat, people act like you are in denial. They can't believe a rational person can know what they know and feel like "It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine."

It ends up being a self-reinforcing loop where you don't let in other perspectives.

Re: A picture of me

#54

Post by danenania »

new_newbie wrote: post #27
brundolf wrote: post #7

Something I've learned is that you don't love and connect with people because of who they are; you don't often find people you magically feel close to or interested in right at the beginning. You can't hold out for that. You love and connect with people because... you love and connect with them. The more time you spend, the more you share about yourself, the more moments you have together- relationships will usually…

This is spot on from my own experiences. I'm currently in that sort of a position where I'm aware my energy (which I've started to refer to as currency with my therapist) is low. It refreshes every day (the amount depending on sleep quality) and even at the best of days it's not enough to do an iota of what I was previously capable of doing. Personally, in my situation I believe the answer to be antidepressants and w…

You know what’s best for you. I’m wondering though if you’ve tried the non-pharmaceutical options already? Daily exercise, time outside, eating healthy, limiting screen time, sleeping well, and all that.

A lot of studies have found doing these things to be at least as effective as SSRIs. They can create hormonal and neurochemical changes that are just as strong. Check out some of Andrew Huberman’s podcasts for more on this. I wish you the best in any case with whatever route you take!

Re: A picture of me

#55

Post by UberFly »

guerrilla wrote: post #37
winternett wrote: post #30

Social media has destroyed the sense of local communities we once had. It began festering at the beginning of the pandemic when profiteers realized that they had a captive audience. They blistered us with politically divisive trends (lots of things that had no real bearing or impact on us in reality) that made even good friends become distant ideologically. We all immersed ourselves into trusting these companies that…

> t began festering at the beginning of the pandemic when profiteers realized that they had a captive audience. They blistered us with politically divisive trends I'm not going to read the rest of your wall-of-text because I happen to know this all started long before the pandemic.

You win the overly-hasty brush-off award.

Re: A picture of me

#56

Post by ip26 »

vlunkr wrote: post #25
mensetmanusman wrote: post #3

Community is showing up. Find anywhere and go there once a week at the same time.

This took me too long to learn. We're told over and over to "be yourself," but sometimes you have to make an effort to be like everyone else. I see in the author and in myself sometimes a weird sense of pride in having unusual opinions and tastes. This isn't going to win you any friends or impress anyone. If you're just waiting for someone to show up that shares all your thoughts, then you're going to continue to be…

As I like to think of it, “being yourself” and “becoming a friendlier more approachable version of yourself” are not incompatible.

Re: A picture of me

#57

Post by guerrilla »

UberFly wrote: post #55
guerrilla wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> t began festering at the beginning of the pandemic when profiteers realized that they had a captive audience. They blistered us with politically divisive trends I'm not going to read the rest of your wall-of-text because I happen to know this all started long before the pandemic.

You win the overly-hasty brush-off award.

Why would you read an unsound argument?

Re: A picture of me

#58

Post by imwillofficial »

dkersten wrote: post #42
uniqueuid wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The same goes for spouses, by the way. You don't have a happy marriage/partnership because you met the person of your dreams and then both accidentally stay the same person forever. Happy marriages exist because people continuously and mutually change each other in a positive way.

This is something that always bothers me. A lot of people forget that you have to work on relationships and then eventually they fall apart. I'm of the opinion that a belief in "soulmates" or finding "the one" or whatever is a big part of the problem: if they're your soulmate, then everything should always be perfect, right? and if its not, then that means they weren't actually the one, so end of relationship and mov…

No, the concept of a soul mate is that you have a bind that transcends this life, that there this is a journey your souls decided to take together before your birth.

Ups, downs, whatever, it will work in the end, because that was the mission. To teach a lesson. Maybe the lesson was how to overcome differences?

Now the common modern usage of soulmate just means “person was meant for me” and that’s open to 100% of your criticism.

Re: A picture of me

#59

Post by edjroot »

To the author (and to the poster!): Thank you. I couldn't have found this at a better time. I'm right now (privately) writing about things of a very similar nature and this has made me indescribably inspired and grateful. I know a lot of depressed people feel the same, but I have to repeat the cliché that it's as if he's writing about my life.

> That's why I love writing- it feels like I'm talking to someone who gets me.

Beautifully said. I keep ignoring this lesson for long stretches of time until my mind is in such a messy state that I sort of instinctively can't do anything else but write and write and write, which I've been doing for a few days now, nonstop, after months (years?) of self-neglect. The contents are usually very similar, repetitive, self-deprecating and apparently unproductive, but more often than not I come out of it reinvigorated and more hopeful about the future, and sometimes with slightly less messy thoughts as a bonus.

I've wanted to start a blog since I was a teenager and be as open about my thoughts and feelings as the author of this post is, but I still haven't gotten over the fear of judgment about letting my existence, let alone my boring, dumb, coward, pathetically self-loathing self, be available to an unboundedly large audience of complete and potentially hostile strangers. The voices in my head are right now telling me: “Almost no one cares about what you have to say. Of those who do, many will care only to the extent that they can use it to ridicule you, or worse; and, if people like that ever find you, it's all over.”

I guess this comment is, if anything, a gesture of appreciation for this person's courage to be vulnerable. But it's also a painful challenge against these voices.

They're now begging me not to post this comment, or to delete it as soon as possible. They're screaming, telling me I know I will regret posting this.

But I won't be listening to them today.

Re: A picture of me

#60

Post by SoftTalker »

shahar2k wrote: post #51

when I was 11 (1992) my family moved to the US (kansas) I barely spoke the language, spent 2 years in kansas, had to build a whole new friendgroup but kept in touch with friends back home through the just beginning internet (israel) I dont remember if it was hard to make friends, I do remember some people being complete shits to the foreign kid but oh well.. made some friends, graduated middle school... when I was 13…

"I realized a lot of people were just circumstantial friends."

It's not a lot, it's nearly all. Friendships with people you see often develop without a lot of effort; it's very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you don't have physical interactions with. In my own life, it has never happened. Absolutely zero friendships from childhood, school, college, past jobs, etc. lasted after the physical proximity ended.

Post reply on HN