How to talk to anyone and why you should • Hacker News Board

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#481

Post by jdthedisciple » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:38 PM UTC

jadtz wrote: post #308

abcde666777 wrote: post #141

I went through a phase where I forced myself to socialise a lot to overcome social awkwardness and anxiety. Was well worth it, both in terms of leveling up my social skills but also in terms of eventually becoming very comfortable with myself. The main ingredient, at least for me, was being determined enough to push through the discomfort. A lot of the early interactions were awkward, sometimes overtly uncomfortable,…

I am still at the awkward early interaction stage. How do you know what to say?, usually I can start the conversation but I don’t know where to take it after. How are you able to shift to the next stage when you have both agreed that the weather today is nice. How do you get over the feeling that you are wasting their time? Finally, how do you end the conversation when you're still going in the same direction or wait…

I find myself wondering about these exact questions from time to time.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#482

Post by stronglikedan » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:40 PM UTC

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

I try to talk to everyone but it gets exhausting since most people don't seem to want to talk. And in almost every instance, I had a feeling they wouldn't. Go with your gut and don't try to talk to everyone if you're like me and don't want to replay awkward conversations in your head for the rest of the night.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#483

Post by tmp10423288442 » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:42 PM UTC

notepad0x90 wrote: post #424

wussboy wrote: post #383

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree. 95% of violence is committed by men aged 15-25. If you wanted to be extra sure, just avoid that very specific group. But in general, minute by minute, nobody wants to be violent.

But then I'd be prejudiced. Stereotypes exist because they have a certain good degree of accuracy, but that doesn't make them right. For the sake of that one person in that group that didn't do anything wrong, I have to try and be fair to the whole group.

This is where you use this stereotype to do a more detailed evaluation of the person to decide if they're safe/worth engaging with, or avoid them entirely if it's not worth it to you. You might bring in other stereotypes at this point and apply this process recursively until you have no more statistical regularities to use to guide your behavior.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#484

Post by slices » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:43 PM UTC

brabel wrote: post #478

pousada wrote: post #472

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s funny, my experience is the exact opposite. Having grown up in Germany i was surprised how many people in the US would strike up a conversation randomly in the street with me - I thought it’s a normal thing and never really experienced it in Germany - there I would always be suspicious that people try to scam me or get money or something. I do agree with GP that in Latin America it’s super common and normal to c…

I live in a Nordic country. The rule here is to avoid social contact at any cost. People waiting for a bus must stand at least 2 meters away from each other. Otherwise you might be close enough for someone less equipped in the local etiquette to mistake you for someone that may engage in small talk. When sitting , never sit directly next to someone else. Stand if that’s not possible and try to observe the 2 meter rul…

Regions in the US dominated by Nordic immigrants have similar patterns!

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#485

Post by TrianguloY » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:46 PM UTC

b40d-48b2-979e wrote: post #367

TrianguloY wrote: post #366

As someone who identifies with the text, a very introverted guy that almost never starts a conversation but it's able to maintain it once they other person starts it, and as someone who has never dated any girl (and failed to do so) I'll just say: almost every random person that talks with me...is a man. It doesn't seems...fair...and, again, says a lot about society.

says a lot about society What does it say?

That women feel pressured to be introverted and/or man feel pressured to be extroverted. Being the opposite is a handicap.

Although, the good part, is that the personality doesn't seems to be genetic and doesn't come from your parents either, otherwise we would be extinct (literally).

Unfortunately, this situation makes me think about genre issues in an different way, not only sort of understanding why they happen, but surprised that it's not more common. I've met very horrid persons, that have achieve what I haven't, just because women doesn't seem to try to see past them. Is like they gave up...

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#486

Post by TrianguloY » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:50 PM UTC

DaedalusII wrote: post #390

TrianguloY wrote: post #366

As someone who identifies with the text, a very introverted guy that almost never starts a conversation but it's able to maintain it once they other person starts it, and as someone who has never dated any girl (and failed to do so) I'll just say: almost every random person that talks with me...is a man. It doesn't seems...fair...and, again, says a lot about society.

random people wont really talk to you because they have no way to evaluate who you are. it is nothing about you, but a reflection on society. the stranger is now a danger to women. this is what they taught in school too, and internet show them that all stranger use aggressive mean pick up artist tactics~ before 1990s there was very little international travel, small town everyone know each other, speak english. very…

I've joined local groups for anime and videogames, but they are mostly anime. Videogames and programming seems to be almost exclusively masculine (the stereotypes are there for a reason) but the few girls there doesn't seem much different.

Maybe I've had bad luck, maybe I need to search more, but still...the situation seems to be similar everywhere.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#487

Post by basilikum » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:53 PM UTC

ZpJuUuNaQ5 wrote: post #306

I hate it when strangers try to talk to me in public (e.g., on public transportation, at work). I absolutely do not care what you have to say, what you do, how your day went, how many pets you have, what your hobbies are, or where you spent your holidays, and at the same time, in no way do I want to share any details about my life, not out of privacy or anxiety of speaking but out of sheer annoyance and indifference.…

People should try to sense when someone wants to get left alone and leave them alone. I don't know how much you communicate that and misunderstandings do happen. Anyway regardless of whether someone just doesn't get that you don't feel like talking or whether they do not care, when just giving short direct answers to questions that only maintain the minimum level of friendliness does not work to get someone to stop talking to you you are doing both of you a favor by directly, but politely telling them that you do not feel like talking right now.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#488

Post by nonethewiser » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:54 PM UTC

notepad0x90 wrote: post #365

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

> People are lovely. Go out and try it. I hope this is not an inappropriate question, but are you by any chance fit and/or attractive? I've heard that and being well dressed affects your experience with people a lot. For me it's a mix, the majority at least try to be decent and pleasant, no argument there. But as with many other things, the minority who aren't tend to have a much bigger impact. Honestly, I'd take jus…

Are you ugly?

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#489

Post by sublinear » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:56 PM UTC

graypegg wrote: post #458

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

Probably at least once a week, you're going to see someone drop something, press the wrong button on the elevator, try to push on the pull door etc. My own stress always peeks when I'm in public and trip up on something minor like that. If you just shout "hey you need help?" you're probably not going to make them feel any better and doubly worse if you just avoid eye contact and walk around them. When that happens to…

> If you just shout "hey you need help?" ...

There's also another more neutral option. Just give them the answer they need without the fluff. If they then want to thank you and chat it's their choice, but completely optional.

This is probably not the right approach most of the time, but it works well on the types of people who seem "serious" (not anxious or upset).

This is a really hard one to pull off. You have to determine that they really are that type of person and then just magically know what they want. It's really satisfying when it works though.

I've met some of the most interesting people I've ever known that way.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#490

Post by closewith » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 7:58 PM UTC

awesomeMilou wrote: post #412

closewith wrote: post #374

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Losing your temper when a serious boundary has been crossed is natural and expected. It had a positive outcome in that it stopped your bad behaviour immediately. > He ended up grabbing me by the throat, while no-one around did a thing to stop him. The bystander effect is real, but you should also take this opportunity for self-reflection, because in this case, you were the person behaving badly who instigated the sit…

No verbal comment, be it a comment or an actual insult or otherwise, justifies violence and crossing the body threshold. In what world do you live?

In the real world, many comments can and will provoke violence. In many cases, it's justifiable.

> In what world do you live?

In what bubble do you live? Go out into the world and behave like the GP. Your apparent mental model of society will collapse quickly.