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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#481

Post by hogFeast »

Waterluvian wrote: post #393

I recently experienced months of sleeping problems. Where I wouldn't sleep for days. Or would sleep a few hours. I would be exhausted and my head would hit the pillow and BAM adrenaline and I can hear my heart pounding and I'm awake. It got so bad I would go into the basement and destroy a wall that I kept repairing. I would cry in frustration. I started to have suicidal thoughts. It was harming my marriage and made…

Not for anything because my situation is completely different. But I went through a difficult period too. And I actually realised I had stopped doing any kind of recreation at all.

It sounds crazy but learning how to do nothing again is really hard. I couldn't actually game at all. I tried but I felt like I was doing a shift. So I started with driving and listening to soccer on the radio (something I hadn't been actively interested in for decades)...it is totally pointless. And now, finally, I have started to game occasionally too.

No, it still isn't quite the same as when I was a kid. I can still remember playing Dungeon Keeper and Theme Hospital/Park when they first came out (I even remember purchasing DK)...nothing can compare. And I can't play FPS anymore. But yes, it is very easy to forget about recreation and even feel guilty for doing it...but it is valuable.

Exercise can be very effective too. I have tried meditation repeatedly (srs, like six or seven periods over about a decade) it just doesn't work for me. But exercise is a way to stay active and bring down your everyday level of anxiety (although I have never got to the point where meditation becomes bearable).

Reading can also be very effective if you are already feeling anxious (although I understand it isn't for everyone). But reading with purpose can be self-defeating. Worrying about remembering or all the other stuff that goes along with reading job-related stuff can be really troublesome.

Hopefully, this will all help someone though. I wish someone told me ten years ago that it was okay to do something that had no meaning or point. Christopher Robin was right.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#482

Post by frereubu »

MegaButts wrote: post #422
frereubu wrote: post #405

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In general I agree with you. However, I think that the "deadlines and time pressure are completely made up" aspect can actually make things more stressful. An example would be managers not understanding that they're being unrealistic. If you want to get a 100-tonne object from X to Y there are pretty clear parameters and it's easier to push back in understandable terms. If you want to refactor a codebase so you can d…

You can have unrealistic managers in any occupation.

My point is that it's easier to push back in other occupations.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#483

Post by kempbellt »

mikelyons wrote: post #421
GuB-42 wrote: post #391

As a software developer myself, I always wondered why it is considered a stressful profession. - Most of us aren't going to kill ourselves or others in case we screw up. The stakes may be higher for people working with safety critical systems, but such systems often have multiple safeguards. - Most deadlines and time pressure are completely made up. So what if we don't deliver on time? It is not like the fate of the…

Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using their youth and looks for hedonism. Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we loving…

Suggestion for ya. Cut out the social media, and... porn. It shifts your mindset in a very negative way, very gradually.

I can understand your perspective, and warranted frustration. Much of my childhood, I was raised to believe certain truths, only to be slapped in the face by a different reality later in life.

@McAtNite mentioned the "red pill/MRA" trap. It's common, to people seeing things that go against what they were raised to believe is 'right' or 'wrong', to become angered by that.

Try going to a festival. As a software engineer, I went to Sasquatch Festival in 2017 for the first time, and it was life-changing. I went again to the last one in 2018, and again, life-changing. Incredible music, amazing people, and no "deadlines", or deployment statuses BS. Just people celebrating what it means to be alive.

The judgmental side of you will fade over time and you'll come out of it a stronger person.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#484

Post by somasucks »

I don't know. I think I am? I come home from work and kill some time on the internet. Often times, I lose interest in whatever it is I'm doing and go to bed. I have acid reflux, so that prevents from eating stuff that I like as well. I don't like SF a lot, but I care about career progression and opportunities as well. I used to play a lot of video games, but I stopped now because of...I don't know - just lost interest I guess? I wait for a message or a call from people I know to come everyday, but the only person that calls me is my mom. I deactivated my Facebook account right before my birthday to see how many people remember my birthday, and it was a pathetic 2 people other than my family members. I am an ICPC World Finalist, but I still failed to get any interviews with the companies I really wanted to work at. I guess I'm in a decent spot now, but I am not able to get over some elements of the past and keep going down the rabbit hole.

I hope things will change with time. I hope I meet some good people and make solid friends who I can hangout with. I hope.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#485

Post by munchbunny »

GuB-42 wrote: post #391

As a software developer myself, I always wondered why it is considered a stressful profession. - Most of us aren't going to kill ourselves or others in case we screw up. The stakes may be higher for people working with safety critical systems, but such systems often have multiple safeguards. - Most deadlines and time pressure are completely made up. So what if we don't deliver on time? It is not like the fate of the…

I don't think we (software developers in general) consider it a stressful profession on the grand spectrum of professions. It's just that when people talk about their industry or field, naturally the stressful parts get emphasis because they're on everyone's minds. Our jobs are stressful in the sense that many of us experience stress regularly, but I don't think our jobs are stressful in a relative-to-other-careers sense.

> Maybe that's a combination of artificial pressure with a high concentration of people who have difficulty coping with stress.

I think that this career is one of the better ones for people who have difficulty coping with stress. Not all software development jobs can be low stress, but it's quite possible to find a low stress niche for yourself doing software development.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#486

Post by tomatotomato37 »

hliyan wrote: post #218
satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Oddly enough, I recently found myself saying something to this effect, in a meeting: "I'm an engineer, a professional. I like to take pride in my work. I look at doctors (or civil engineers) at my age and wonder about the level of respect they enjoy and how they approach their profession. How did we get to a point where we…

I always thought doctors were a special case as literally saving people from death on a regular basis lends itself to a bit of a god complex

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#487

Post by mikelyons »

kempbellt wrote: post #483
mikelyons wrote: post #421

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Its stressful for me because I'm running out of youth and I'm never going to find a mate :( The women just aren't attracted to a guy like me, or aren't interested in starting a family so much as poly-amory, drugs, revealing festival costumes, junk media, sex work, alcohol, or anything other than using their youth and looks for hedonism. Edit: Obviously touchy, people actually have thoughts like this, how do we loving…

Suggestion for ya. Cut out the social media, and... porn. It shifts your mindset in a very negative way, very gradually. I can understand your perspective, and warranted frustration. Much of my childhood, I was raised to believe certain truths, only to be slapped in the face by a different reality later in life. @McAtNite mentioned the "red pill/MRA" trap. It's common, to people seeing things that go against what the…

This is fantastic advice.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#488

Post by bluesroo »

lallysingh wrote: post #208
satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

> I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype or netflix-watcher or chronic-substance-abuser or extremely-self-improving-gogetter. I think you just need to find more interesting people to talk to. It's them, not you. Reminds me of a quote I found helpful: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just…

Quotes like that can be interesting because there's a opposing one: "If everywhere you go smells like shit, you should check under your own shoe".

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#489

Post by Random_Person »

I'm in an odd place right now where everything is (mostly) okay. My needs are covered. My children don't hate me. I have an amazing girlfriend. I get to spend time with friends sometimes.

I have wants, mostly related to work, that are causing me discomfort at the moment, but that's on me. It's not that I'm overwhelmed, quite the opposite actually. My job is pathetically lax, and my career is stagnant. I'm hoping to change that soon. I'm looking for my next opportunity.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#490

Post by carapace »

sad-throwaway wrote: post #387
carapace wrote: post #356

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Like others have already said: try more therapists. And try different kinds of therapy, even weird stuff. Therapy is a very YMMV area, eh?

What are the different kinds? I am considering psychedelics as I read Ketamine is suppose to be quite effective with depression. Might be a bit hard to do that though

Oh man! There are so many things to try...

The important thing is to go in without expectations and to keep trying different people and "schools" until something clicks or gels for you. Persist!

Good luck and God bless. (I'm available to help, just find any recent HN comment of mine and jump in.)

(In re: psychedelics. I'm not against psychedelic therapy but do your homework, and try other things first. "Set and Setting" are more important than the actual chemical https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Set_and_setting )

First of all, what's your diet like? If you eat crap you will feel like crap. Conversely, if you eat well ("plant-based whole foods") then you will feel well and be healthy. (E.g. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_China_Study )

There are physical modalities, such as: Get a deep tissue massage; Rolfing; Feldenkrais Method; Alexander Technique; various Yogas; Chiropractic (Your problems could be as simple as a pinched nerve, or a sticky tendon.)

Go see hypnotherapists: Past-life regression; Gene-line regression; Soul retrieval; Time-line therapy (rewrite your past to be a happier person in the present and future); Parental guardian reimprinting (make your parents better people so you grew up better!)

Then there are the emotional and "energy healing" therapies: Emotional Freedom Techniques (aka EFT: tap on your head and you feel better. How does it work? Who cares? It works.); Reiki (I'm a level III practitioner, I can vouch for it. Reiki is very real and powerful); Rebirthing (Orr's work https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebirthing-breathwork not the "Attachment therapy". Let oxygen be your psychedelic. In a nutshell, hyperventilation in a proper set and setting can lead to profound psychological and emotional healing, reaching even to birth trauma.)

Read "Prometheus Rising" and do the exercises. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prometheus_Rising

Try the weird shit.

Even if it doesn't help at least you'll be entertained. (and something will help.)

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