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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#451

Post by throwayyy »

xiphias2 wrote: post #428
throwayyy wrote: post #373

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used "picky" in another reply and I apologize since this is obviously a sensitive subject and you're right that it's not the most generous word choice. That said, I think you do need to find a balance. Using your CTO example: if you only interview a single person, you're certainly not selective enough. But if you spend over a year and interview 100+ qualified candidates and still haven't found a mutual fit, then ye…

You don't have to apologize for the word picky, I can easily say words like that with friends without them being triggered, similarly to the word ,,taken'' in another thread. It's an expression that has been used for a long time, and I don't even see that much difference between the word picky and selective (maybe because I'm not native English speaker, but in my language they are translated the same).

It's really hard and vulnerable to put yourself out there like this. I think it's good to be as kind and generous as possible in these kinds of conversations even (or especially) if there's some brutal honesty involved.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#452

Post by postsantum »

dudul wrote: post #327
actfrench wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Almost all of them asked me out again, but there were really compelling reasons it wasn’t a fit. The ones I did go out with again and I really tried to stretch myself, usually ended up ghosting me. I think they were playing the field.

Almost 120 men asked you on a second date and you always found compelling reasons to not accept? I think we have a winner.

Ffs. This piece of information should be sticked

This is literally the meme situation https://i.redd.it/zm3wo9fg9uv81.jpg

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#453

Post by bsaul »

actfrench wrote: post #343
metadat wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a guy, on average you're actually getting more attractive as you age. For women, it works the opposite, which can understandably be very difficult for former hotties. The tables flip around 35-40 years old. Regardless, I wish you all the best and hope you find someone as awesome as I'm certain you are!

Funny. I feel I’m much more attractive now then when I was 30 and have heard the same from many women my age. Most people I meet think I’m 30, not 41. I eat really healthy, rarely drink, exercise more and have just learned better self-care, better fashion, better makeup and hair. Like a lot of nyc women, I’ve been constantly improving myself. A lot of men my age , by contrast seem to be balding and overweight…

i've heard nyc had the worst female to male ratio for some reason (worst for female).

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#454

Post by ifelsethenyeah »

From here, it sounds like you're trying too hard and it's coming across as desperate or lacking in confidence.

I live near downtown ATX. I'm technically tipsy HN'ing at this hour after going out to 6th and Rainey with a buddy. Heh :)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your data source was mistaken. The SF Bay Area has the most skewed educated gender ratio in the entire US of any metro. It's not called "Man Jose" for no reason, every bar is a sausagefest, and every other person in Sunnyvale and Mountain View is a software engineer.

It sounds bad to say, but I can basically pick any woman from 18-45 and they're way more attractive in ATX than anywhere except LA. Unfortunately, not all people (women and men included) in ATX specifically are adults where it count. Most people in ATX aren't looking to settle down. Ask me how I know that too. (The worst are the relationship upgrader women out for the next "hotter" guy and/or bigger paycheck who spontaneously forget they have a BF or a spouse. Pump-and-dump material.)

ProTip: Never rent or lease in ATX near a pool unless your goal is to party 24/7.

Dating apps tend to less useful in ATX specifically where socializing is expected. Talk to people in real life casually like human beings without expectations. The more people you talk to and share good vibes with, the more you increase your odds for all kinds of good things.

There are no hacks or shortcuts but connecting with a human being and seeing where it can go rather than focusing on achieving a particular status. No one wants to couple with someone who wants to use them to reach a dream rather than appreciate the real them first and foremost.

TL;DR: Chill out and socialize. Try some CBD if it helps. :)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#455

Post by ifelsethenyeah »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #159

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…

Checklist people who act like they're entitled to order a person at Burger King are perpetual unicorn chasers. The ego and self-absorption of those types is suffocating.

The good stuff is when it's effortless at first. For the long term, both parties have to be willing to put in the work to cooperate with another differently opinionated, fallible human being. Too many people ("middle-class" Americans 20-35) behave in an entitled manner without putting in the effort or the reciprocity. They're indeed special, like everyone else.

Edit: Also, you should know how someone behaves in extreme situations because that reveals their character. "Do you trust them with your life and everything else?" is the question that must be resolved eventually in the affirmative to consider them a dependable and trustworthy keeper.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#456

Post by ifelsethenyeah »

actfrench wrote: post #197
CodeWriter23 wrote: post #159

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…

I really appreciate this reminder . A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Funnily enough, I’ve had trouble writing a checklist. I know that I want someone who wants kids, is loving , kind , healthy and into monogamy. I do want to feel physically attracted to them but I think that could take many forms for me. I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you f…

Dating books are written by people who are in the business of selling books. I would doubt many elderly couples or parties of who are happily-married for decades write dating or relationship advice books. Keep your money and talk to happy couples: it's better information for cheaper.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#457

Post by EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK »

kstenerud wrote: post #386
actfrench wrote: post #204

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…

Having children is not an "ulterior motive". It is a more important and honest motive than "eternal love" we have been conditioned by Hollywood to believe in.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#458

Post by petre »

kstenerud wrote: post #434
petre wrote: post #427

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe she wants to rule out potentialy abusive partners this way. Someone who isn't sensible enough to mention such things on a first date raises too many flags. The fertility questions are already in abusive language territory even if they're well intended.

I think you may have misunderstood me: She is absolutely right in rejecting such interactions, because they betray a selfishness (in the bad sense) on his part, and good sensibility on her part to say no. The point of my comment is to raise awareness of the overarching problem of ulterior motives no matter how benign in the end. At this late stage in the dating scene, almost EVERYONE will have it. And there is a cert…

> dating for the ultimate goal of having a lasting relationship AND starting a family this late in the game

> I don't envy her or anyone in this position

Thank you for the follow up, but I'm afraid your tone is somewhat too assertive.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#459

Post by ifelsethenyeah »

spiderice wrote: post #300
CodeWriter23 wrote: post #159

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…

I have to ask, what was the 20th trait that you did not possess? Only for my on curiosity. And only if you feel comfortable answering

I'll take 3 guesses:

a. 13" x 9". A tape measure and body shaming ensued.

b. Minimum $200m net balance sheet.

c. Minimum 6'7" height.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#460

Post by uxcolumbo »

bergenty wrote: post #419
GoldenMonkey wrote: post #202

I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan…

Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.

Who is we?

Speak for yourself… it’s a very outdated view… it’s some sh!tty legacy code frequently causing problems - that badly needs rewriting.

And someone more intelligent / independent wouldn’t go for that arrangement you laid out.

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