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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#451

Post by croon »

memebox3v wrote: post #442
croon wrote: post #429

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is entirely false. First off: "Require" means what your body needs to sustain itself, which I would say is your TDEE. This changes when you gain weight or lose weight, or recomp. Secondly: You can definitely "reprogram" when you get hungry, it only takes a few weeks. > Losing weight by willpower in the short term just increases the signals to eat, and may cause weight gain in the long run. This depends entirely…

God. This "free will trumps all things. You are in total control of your destiny. All things that happen to you are your own doing" needs to die. Slowly and painfully. You are a tiny sliver of consciousness on top of a vast, powerful machine. That machine gives you ideas, manages your body, and dictates your desires. Using conscious will power to try to overcome innate points of equilibrium in the system that is you,…

I never once said it was easy, and I'm not saying that everyone has the will power for it. I'm merely stating that barring physical ailments, everyone can technically do it.

Neither of my parents worked out a day in their life, and neither did I until my late 20s. So I definitely understand the point of view of never learning good habits, but bad habits and not making choices are also a habit, even if you haven't realized an alternative.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#452

Post by firmgently »

HaoZeke wrote: post #406
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

This is why older people don't have friends. When you're younger you just wait for the other person.

I don't see why it would have to correlate with age. When I was younger I used to get annoyed at late people more easily. As the years have passed I've developed my philosophy. I still think it's often a sign of selfishness but we all have our flaws.

Early on in any relationship I learn which style of timekeeping a person has. You get the people who will warn in advance and apologise profusely if they are going to be 2 minutes late, then at the other end of the scale you have the people who say "I'm just around the corner I'll be there in 5 minutes" and you know they might turn up some time that day/night, if they're having a particularly switched-on day.

Once I have my expectations set correctly I don't get annoyed. It does mean that any arrangement with the 'very late' style of friends always has a status of 'tentative'. And I make it clear to them that I may be doing something else by the time they arrive and that they'd better be able to handle that as it's a cost of their style of being. I've never known a late person to have any problem with that arrangement, they generally seem to quite like it as then they know they can do their thing and not worry about putting me out.

I've not read the linked article but I've been pretty constant with my level of making new friends throughout my adult life (am in my forties now). I've moved around a bit and lived in a few different towns/cities, had a few career paths, maybe that's relevant. I think some people narrow their worldview as they get older and perhaps this makes them more choosy about who is 'worth it'. I've always been a weirdo/outlier. I'm fine with loads of people around me and making parties etc., but also more than happy in my own company. I noticed quite early in life that I could be accepted in most social groups and drift between them and developed a distaste for cliques and the negative behaviour they encourage (exclusivity, "our love for each other is based on our hatred of everyone else" etc).

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#453

Post by letsgetphysITal »

el_cid wrote: post #431
b0rsuk wrote: post #369

Get a hobby. Start going to a place where people practice it. I'm over 30 and board games work well for me. Most people I play with are younger. The oldest of us, resembling the one from French Connection, is a former programmer(?) and regularly mops the floor with other players, often at games he's playing for the first time. I heard he attends dancing lessons too. I think it's a matter of getting your priorities ri…

It seems you might be rationalizing your lower-income a bit. Let me try to explain why. I agree about the work-life balance, but at 30 you're in the best shape you'll ever be: physically & mentally. In my opinion there is some sense in sacrificing a bit of the present in order to make the future more palatable. Especially at the age of 30. A bit of extra effort at this age can save a lot of trouble down the road. Gra…

There are some things you can't do (or are much more difficult) once you reach retirement, such as some physically demanding activities. You can either live life while life is worth living, or you can waste your prime accumulating wealth you can't take with you at the end and aren't healthy enough to enjoy to the fullest.

Just another perspective, not a personal attack.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#454

Post by newnewpdro »

maccard wrote: post #422
newnewpdro wrote: post #333

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. This is only true if the circumstances knowingly make the person stuck waiting for 30 minutes. That's fairly exceptional, but some people do voluntarily wait for others doing nothing, when the participation of others is entirely optional f…

I’m perfectly content to entertain myself, and to be in my own company. But if I make plans with you and you’re 30 minutes late, being pissed at you doesn’t make me immature. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes things go wrong, that’s ok. But to be that guy who’s 30 mins late for a group dinner, or to go bowling or to the cinema, and to always have an excuse, that’s _you_ being immature because you’re clearly sayi…

Both bowling and cinema are activities that are essentially still done alone even when done as a group. One person bowls at a time per lane, and watching movies in a theatre is pretty much a silent solitary experience unless you're being a nuisance.

If someone's late to go bowling we/I start bowling without them. When they show up, they wait and join in at the next game, or get their own lane.

If someone doesn't make it to the cinema before the show starts, I'm watching the movie I wanted to see without them. It's their loss, not mine, and I'm not waiting for them or upset - I'm seeing the movie I wanted to see.

It makes relatively little difference to me if they're present for those activities. It's the activity that I'm principally interested in. Sure it's more fun to bowl with others, but only marginally. The last film I went out of my way to see with a friend, afterwards I didn't even understand why I bothered when the experience was largely unchanged from seeing it alone yet I drove across town to watch it sitting next to someone I knew, useful that.

Surely you could come up with better examples than those for when to justifiably be upset with a person being late...

I'm not even one of those people who's chronically late, I just don't see it as an issue worth fussing over in the vast majority of social circumstances.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#455

Post by verinus »

LaGrange wrote: post #433
shaklee3 wrote: post #342

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's really not that hard unless you have kids. Just leave earlier. Like someone said, you wouldn't be late for a flight since you actually care.

You completely misunderstand how executive functioning deficiency works, it appears. While this was written by a person with chronic pain issues (you might not be aware of!), it applies to many other (often also invisible) disabilities: https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine... . "Just leave earlier" is about as useful an advice as "grow a new hand."

I have never ever met such a person- what does that say about the probability?

Personally I think the probability of this used as an excuse is much higher than of it beeing true.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#456

Post by djsumdog »

usful wrote: post #8

Anecdotal but, I'm 36 and I made the most friends I have ever made in my life in the last two years. From doing the conference/retreat circuit to, surprisingly, the festival circuit (Burning Man, Gratitude Migration, etc.) I've made a lot of close, real, amazing friends

I feel like I'm in the same boat. I got a holiday work visa and lived in Australia when I was 29, and New Zealand until I was 32. For the past decade, I've never lived in the same city for more than three years.

Meetup.com, swing dancing, reddit meetups, board game nights, spoken word poetry, comedy open mics, theater, contra dancing are just a couple of the things I try to get involved in (I get burnt out on a few and rotate hobbies; dropping in and out of scenes).

It usually takes me about a year to a year and a half to make a solid group of friends in a city, but the friends I've made, I've kept in touch with all around the world. Going back to my home town was amazing too, even though so many people I knew had moved on. I wrote some blog posts about being nomadic:

https://khanism.org/perspective/a-tale-of-two-journeys/

https://khanism.org/perspective/minimalism/

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#457

Post by batushka2 »

usful wrote: post #8

Anecdotal but, I'm 36 and I made the most friends I have ever made in my life in the last two years. From doing the conference/retreat circuit to, surprisingly, the festival circuit (Burning Man, Gratitude Migration, etc.) I've made a lot of close, real, amazing friends

If you really love music, such festivals are full of interesting older ravers, open to conversation to begin with.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#458

Post by verinus »

Legogris wrote: post #439
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

A 30 minute buffer can easily be eaten up by looking for my keys that I KNOW I JUST HAD YESTERDAY WHAT THE HELL, and then having to go back to my apartment after leaving because I forgot my wallet. I have missed flights, and the reason I usually don't is because I plan to arrive at the airport ~3h before departure. Believe me, it's making me way more miserable than the person I'm stressing to meet. It's neither disre…

This is why people get organized- put in the keys always in the same spot so you do not have to bother thinking about where your keys are. Or Check if they have the fundamentals on your person before leaving- wallet, phone, keys...

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#459

Post by cornholio »

memebox3v wrote: post #442
croon wrote: post #429

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is entirely false. First off: "Require" means what your body needs to sustain itself, which I would say is your TDEE. This changes when you gain weight or lose weight, or recomp. Secondly: You can definitely "reprogram" when you get hungry, it only takes a few weeks. > Losing weight by willpower in the short term just increases the signals to eat, and may cause weight gain in the long run. This depends entirely…

God. This "free will trumps all things. You are in total control of your destiny. All things that happen to you are your own doing" needs to die. Slowly and painfully. You are a tiny sliver of consciousness on top of a vast, powerful machine. That machine gives you ideas, manages your body, and dictates your desires. Using conscious will power to try to overcome innate points of equilibrium in the system that is you,…

It's always possible, but much harder for some people. It's in many ways like alcoholism or other addictions: it's not useful to pontificate to alcoholics and blame them for a lack of of will power when dealing with a serious mental impairment. Yet, willpower remains the single best cure against addiction, encouraging people to leave themselves at the hands of impulse is not healthy advice. People do lose weight and keep it off by willpower, addicts change their lives by willpower.

Gastric bypass is not a silver bullet, it's a major surgery with a significant mortality rate and is always a last resort for the most severe cases who have at least made an effort.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#460

Post by LaGrange »

verinus wrote: post #455
LaGrange wrote: post #433

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You completely misunderstand how executive functioning deficiency works, it appears. While this was written by a person with chronic pain issues (you might not be aware of!), it applies to many other (often also invisible) disabilities: https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine... . "Just leave earlier" is about as useful an advice as "grow a new hand."

I have never ever met such a person- what does that say about the probability? Personally I think the probability of this used as an excuse is much higher than of it beeing true.

> I have never ever met such a person- what does that say about the probability?

You did. You probably have family like that. The fact that you _think_ you never met such a person says a lot about you, though.

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