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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#421

Post by watwut »

narrator wrote: post #147

I have tried to make guy friends and the main problem seems to be that they're boring. We just run out of stuff to talk about unless we have some business related stuff to talk about. I prefer lady friends ( AS IN FRIENDS WHO ARE FEMALE WHO I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL OR WORK RELATION WITH AND WHO I AM NOT TRYING TO DATE ) as there's always the flirty subtext to play around with and they are just pleasant to be around and…

Dunno, I am women and always had both male and female friends. Except the flirty part, but we have other pointless joking things.

Long term relationship is easier when you can talk about trivial day to day stuff, because is not enough serious stuff to talk about normally - after a while you just said it all.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#422

Post by maccard »

newnewpdro wrote: post #333
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

> If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. This is only true if the circumstances knowingly make the person stuck waiting for 30 minutes. That's fairly exceptional, but some people do voluntarily wait for others doing nothing, when the participation of others is entirely optional f…

I’m perfectly content to entertain myself, and to be in my own company. But if I make plans with you and you’re 30 minutes late, being pissed at you doesn’t make me immature. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes things go wrong, that’s ok. But to be that guy who’s 30 mins late for a group dinner, or to go bowling or to the cinema, and to always have an excuse, that’s _you_ being immature because you’re clearly saying whatever You’re doing is more important than whatever we have planned. Set a reminder on your phone to beep 15 minutes before you need to get ready, and if you ignore it repeatedly, you’re the immature one.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#423

Post by maccard »

ZenoArrow wrote: post #356
odammit wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Speaking personally, I'm frequently running late for events, but it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate, as I tend to be reasonably considerate in other ways. It's also a family trait, which is something we joke about, and my family includes some of the most considerate people I've ever met. I get that waiting around doing nothing is annoying, but it doesn't have to be that way. For example, if I'm meeting up…

My family are chronically late for things, and yet I manage to be on time. By saying that you should meet at a pub/are vefore you get a train, you’re saying “why don’t you all meet an hour earlier than we need to so I can be late”. Sure sometimes it’s fine, but having to accommodate one person in a group being chronically late is selfish on their part.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#424

Post by tobr »

maccard wrote: post #417
tobr wrote: post #374

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This comment is perpetuating many falsehoods about obesity. For most people with chronic obesity, it is not really a matter of willpower. Just because the direct cause of their condition is too high food intake, it does not mean that it’s a “choice”. Their bodies are programmed to require large amounts of food. Losing weight by willpower in the short term just increases the signals to eat, and may cause weight gain i…

Have you a source in the only effective treatment being a gastric bypass?

This Vox article is a well sourced but easy to read overview. https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/12/7/16587316/ba...

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#425

Post by isolli »

waytogo wrote: post #419

Super nice thread with inspiring thoughts. My shot: Once I had a family with wonderful little kids I understood what 'quality time' really is. As much I enjoyed being with my friends or even ex-girl-friends: If I think back of what we did together (getting wasted, so-so vacations, mediocre dinner parties, boring talks at coffee shops) it's so much better now. It's funny: I am very often invited to dinner parties (pri…

Just make sure you have a backup plan when your kids move out :)

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#426

Post by tarsinge »

tobr wrote: post #374
BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

This comment is perpetuating many falsehoods about obesity. For most people with chronic obesity, it is not really a matter of willpower. Just because the direct cause of their condition is too high food intake, it does not mean that it’s a “choice”. Their bodies are programmed to require large amounts of food. Losing weight by willpower in the short term just increases the signals to eat, and may cause weight gain i…

I disagree. “Bodies programmed to require large amount of foods” only makes sense if someone is diabetic.

Otherwise it’s pure willpower (well technically being able to delay gratification) combined with healthy food. E.g start a meal with a raw brocoli and it’ll be physically difficult to put other things in your stomach after.

Yes it’s very hard but I did it myself, you always have to think I’m suffering now but I’ll be good looking one day (and yes it takes years)

Edit: though I understand that all people may not have the same capacity to delay gratification

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#427

Post by lucas_membrane »

pureGuano wrote: post #154
mathperson wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

myer briggs is basically meaningless

I don't know about that. You just shouldn't strap more meaning onto it than that it's a survey that gives you a qualitative description of the answers you gave to it -- people have some innate attraction to such things and I find it hard to criticize them for it. I just don't think it's appropriate to use for career counseling, etc.

Educational Testing Service got interested in it long ago and then dumped it. The National Academy of Sciences did a huge project on improving human performance for the US military back in the 1980's, and they put it in the not useful category. What would you expect for an assessment developed by a team of two with no background in assessment?

I would extend your evaluation to say that it is not appropriate for use on others, but if you think that it helps you assess yourself, knock yourself out.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#428

Post by maccard »

trts wrote: post #329
BurningFrog wrote: post #324

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some people flake on their friends, but are always on time for flights. They are perfectly capable of being on time for important things. It's just that their friends aren't important to them.

Friends are important in a different way, but one of the qualities they don't often share with flights is that they get you somewhere where it's important you'll be at a specific time and place in pursuit of your material needs or obligations. Or rather you're not expecting something out of them other than their company, which you still get to enjoy later (if you're really friends, and if not, then you're just not).…

If someone is always 30 minutes late and there’s always an excuse that it’s not their fault, the they’re the problem. Everyone has problems. If you tell me “hey I’m running 30 minutes late, because I had to take a shower” the odd time (in advance) that’s totally fine. But to leave me sitting on my own (when I could have plans with someone else later, or could have stopped whatever I was doing before to be on time to meet you) is just selfish and inconsiderate. If you can’t show up at 5, don’t say you’ll be there at 5, say you’ll be there at 7 so at least I can use the time too.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#429

Post by croon »

tobr wrote: post #374
BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

This comment is perpetuating many falsehoods about obesity. For most people with chronic obesity, it is not really a matter of willpower. Just because the direct cause of their condition is too high food intake, it does not mean that it’s a “choice”. Their bodies are programmed to require large amounts of food. Losing weight by willpower in the short term just increases the signals to eat, and may cause weight gain i…

That is entirely false.

First off: "Require" means what your body needs to sustain itself, which I would say is your TDEE. This changes when you gain weight or lose weight, or recomp.

Secondly: You can definitely "reprogram" when you get hungry, it only takes a few weeks.

> Losing weight by willpower in the short term just increases the signals to eat, and may cause weight gain in the long run.

This depends entirely on how you lose weight. As obesity (for the vast majority part, excluding thyroid and other physical problems) is a matter of habit, if you starve yourself from your usual diet for a few weeks in an attempt to reset your weight, of course you are going to relapse.

Temporary dieting can by definition never work. A diet is the habit of what you eat.

If you create the habit of eating like someone who weighs 50 kg less than you, you will start losing weight, fast at first, and then slower until it plateaus. I agree that not everyone is exactly the same, so basal metabolism between two similar people can vary a few hundred or so kcal/day.

Gastric bypass can in rare cases be necessary, but it's definitely a last resort, and unneeded in most cases.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#430

Post by maccard »

MaulingMonkey wrote: post #318
Proof wrote: post #311

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But it’s far more better to time everything just right so that one arrives at said meeting right on time, no later nor sooner. I think living in Finland has conditioned this type of attitude of not being too early(for fear of wasting time waiting) or too late (fear of being rude). One thing that helps significantly is to know travel times(by bus,car, etc) and allocate rough estimate to them. Luckily most Euro countri…

Traffic means I'll arrive to my bimonthly boardgames night somewhere between 15 minutes early and 30 minutes late. And that's before my forgetfulness and insufficiently alarming alarm practices kick in!

You routinely have 45 minute swings in amounts of traffic, and you can’t know in advance what the traffic is going to be like? That seems insane to me. Sure every now and agai there’s an accident or road works, but for it to often take 30 minutes longer, or 15 minutes less seems bizzare to me. Or is it a case of you can leave and be there 15 minutes early, or you can wait 30 mins and be 30 mins late due to traffic? In that case, you’re making he decision that you’d rather be late.
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