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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#401

Post by _mrmnmly »

Double_a_92 wrote: post #385
taneq wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, by 30 you probably have a partner, kids, and a high pressure job that you started after you got the kids (so you've never spent much time socializing with your current peers). You have no energy left for socialising and building/maintaining friendships.

That kinda pressures me... I'm almost 26 and all I have is a Bachelor degree and a Job. Partners and Kids are nowhere near... I don't even have a drivers license ffs (mainly because public transport is quite good here). Should I start with that?

Driver license will make your life easier later - when You'll start dating/setup a family then You'll have less time to do it.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#402

Post by Angostura »

Aramgutang wrote: post #341
odammit wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"? Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

Simply tell your friends “I’m afraid I can’t commit to meeting you at any time due to my inadequate executive function”. It should help them change their viewpoint.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#403

Post by icebraining »

Aramgutang wrote: post #346
shaklee3 wrote: post #343

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you miss a lot of flights?

Yes. I'll quote what I wrote in a reply further below: > I've missed at least 8 flights in the past decade, have seen only the last 80-90% of many of the films I watched in the cinema, have had to stand in the back for the first act of many stage productions, etc. Seeing me walk, rather than run, through train stations and airports is a rare sight. I don't recall a single multi-day bushwalk I've been on, where I pitc…

I feel your pain. A close relative has the same problem; she's only getting somewhat better now at 55+ years old. She's one of the most selfless people I know; she simply has a real problem managing her time. And that inability harms herself way more than others.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#404

Post by jiggunjer »

galfarragem wrote: post #83
zanny wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You forge friendship through common struggle. You need to offer one another something or you just introduce yourselves and let one another drift off in opposite directions without any bond forged. You form your first friendships really early on with an extremely strong commonality - the hugeness of the world and your lack of information about it. Literally everything is in common with your peers circa age 2-4 because…

You forge friendship through common struggle Great answer. I would just add: the bigger the struggle, the stronger the friendship. Military friendships are the extreme example of this. I've seen war comrades crying like children after decades without contact.

But if they don't talk for decades, are they really friends?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#405

Post by DenisM »

leetcrew wrote: post #187
DenisM wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

* Sports: lifting, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, hiking. * Adult classes: dancing, cooking, painting. * Hobbies: guns, diving, photography, fishing, boating. * Lifestyle: all kinds of travel, alcohol and other substances. * Professional: startups... eh... scratch that. * Charity: pet shelters, soup kitchens, organizing. * Politics: volunteering, door-to-door. The trouble begins when you realize you don't actuall…

> The trouble begins when you realize you don't actually care about any of these things. yeah, this is me. how do you meet the people who just want to sit around, drink a few beers, chat a little, and maybe watch a movie?

This looks like depression. See a shrink.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#406

Post by HaoZeke »

groby_b wrote: post #285
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

This is why older people don't have friends.

When you're younger you just wait for the other person.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#407

Post by pritishc »

jchallis wrote: post #331

I have found Randi Zuckerberg's quip that of [family, sleep, fitness, friends and work] you can focus on three at a time. For me, it's family, work and fitness. If I have extra time, I use it for sleep. Friends are critically important. They just aren't as important as family, work, fitness and sleep. If I had more free time, I'd invest more in sleep than finding relationships.

Doesn't fitness imply the need for sleep?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#408

Post by icebraining »

ryanwaggoner wrote: post #220
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

There may be some people who genuinely have trouble keeping track of time or planning ahead, but 99% of people who are habitually late (myself included at times) are just rude and inconsiderate. Come on, in your own example you provide a white lie to the person and tell them it'll be 30 mins, when you know that it could likely be longer. Why not just say you're running an hour late instead? I suffer from this myself,…

Come on, in your own example you provide a white lie to the person and tell them it'll be 30 mins, when you know that it could likely be longer.

This is funny to read in a forum of software developers :)

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#409

Post by Aramgutang »

kenjackson wrote: post #392
Aramgutang wrote: post #341

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"? Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

Are you also incapable of telling people that you won't be on time? You seem to articulate it fine here. If you tell me that you'll pick me up at 5pm, but show up at 7pm... I'll be upset most likely. But if you tell me that you'll pick me up at 5pm, but will probably be late, maybe even hours late... I'll get it... And will adjust accordingly (most likely I'll get a ride with someone else if at all time critical).

Whatever time estimate I give you, I will usually be later than that. Telling you I might be hours late for a 5pm meeting will probably end in me arriving at 9pm.

That's why I find it best to have a reasonable time to aim for, and the people that know me know they will need to be able to accommodate my late arrival. And every once in a while, I might even be on time, though I do consider "5 minutes late" as "on time".

Yes, the people that know me are nice and patient people. That's probably a major reason why I know them in the first place.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#410

Post by barbs »

JimboOmega wrote: post #212
emodendroket wrote: post #117

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

Here's a great article about people that are chronically late.

https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/07/why-im-always-late.html

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