Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

51–60 of 745 posts

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#51

Post by k__ »

I know a bunch of people who don't make many new friends and this has many reasons.

People get families. They have time for other people after the kids are done. Depending on the time they got the kids this can take till they are mid 40.

People met a whole bunch of people till they got 30 and decided that they only need the 2-5 best who are left in the end.

People have a career that eats most of their time and they want to invest the rest of this time into their relationship and not general friendships.

In general I have the feeling many people are more focused after 30. Mostly on romantic relationships.

Most new people I added to my "friends" in the last 3 years were love interests. Since I'm polyamorous, this isn't much of an issue for me, but I can imagine this to be an issue for monogamous people. They get a partner and that's it. The people they meet after 30 who are willing to share much of their time are singles searching for a partner, so if you already got one, you're not of interest.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#52

Post by yowlingcat »

psyc wrote: post #41
hkmurakami wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a ~30 year old, I truly enjoy the company of my 45--75 year old friends.

I’m the same. I find older middle aged people easier to talk to, more interesting, and smaller-egoed as a group.

Another +1. You just can't beat that collected wisdom. I've complained about something that seemed so menial, only for my friend to make a really insightful quip about a pattern he's seen in my work life that, although didn't map 100%, reflected more deeply paid attention than almost all of my friends in my 20-something age group.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#53

Post by toomanybeersies »

I've just recently moved countries, and I've found that it's really difficult to actually meet people and make new friends, regardless of age. All my friends are also expats/immigrants.

I don't like spending too much time around tech people, since I do that for 8 hours a day, so tech meetups are out of the question. I went to the hiking club, but the average age is like 50. Nightclubs just aren't the place to find friends.

Generally, after school or university, people's circle of friends is fairly set.

The problem is that after university, we have a lot less free time, and there's a lot less opportunity to meet people from different backgrounds and walks of life. Clubs are meetups are great for meeting people with similar interests, but not so great for broadening your horizons. A lot of the things I'm interested in now I never would've done if it wasn't for meeting random people at university.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#54

Post by Audible_logic »

Kluny wrote: post #16
ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

You just made me take a long look at my current trajectory. Very thought provoking. Indeed, I can see a distinct split in the people in my life who are in group A (closed off, social life is family dependent) and those in group B.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#56

Post by Myrmornis »

ravenstine wrote: post #10

The article makes it pretty clear that relationships and marriage take the place of friends, especially for men. 30 is also that sort of point where women who haven't had kids already think "uh oh, better soon than never". I can see the downvotes coming already for speaking on behalf of women, but I have more female friends than male ones and the number 30 is universally dreaded for the reason I describe. Well, then…

You'll find, when you get to 40, that you were confusing 30 with 40 in this post.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#57

Post by angarg12 »

Can there be a cultural bias to this?

Coming from a mediterranean country, many of the points that other comments raise as problems for meeting people past 30 are not so pronounce.

Is not that it isn't harder to meet people and make strong bonds, but its common for men in their 40s and 50s to play Football, hang out with their colleagues for a drink after work, meeting friends of friends, etc.

Generally speaking I feel like social ties are much stronger there, so it may be worth to take a look at how people behave in other places when addressing these topics.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#58

Post by pteredactyl »

usful wrote: post #8

Anecdotal but, I'm 36 and I made the most friends I have ever made in my life in the last two years. From doing the conference/retreat circuit to, surprisingly, the festival circuit (Burning Man, Gratitude Migration, etc.) I've made a lot of close, real, amazing friends

Congrats ( not sarc! )

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#59

Post by DenisM »

irrational wrote: post #50

When you were younger you probably made friends because you were all in school/college/university together. Some people make friends at work for the same reason (I've never really understood this though. After seeing them for 8 hours or so the last thing I want to do is spend time with them outside of work.) Where else can you go where people are gathered where friendships are likely to be created? Church/mosque/syna…

  * Sports: lifting, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, hiking.
  * Adult classes: dancing, cooking, painting.
  * Hobbies: guns, diving, photography, fishing, boating.
  * Lifestyle: all kinds of travel, alcohol and other substances.
  * Professional: startups... eh... scratch that.
  * Charity: pet shelters, soup kitchens, organizing.
  * Politics: volunteering, door-to-door.
The trouble begins when you realize you don't actually care about any of these things.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#60

Post by ericjang »

Kluny wrote: post #16
ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

Thank you for this comment! Gives me a lot to think about. Bookmarked.
Post reply on HN