Live data from Hacker News

How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

411–420 of 584 posts

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#411
One of the best pieces of advice I can give, something that has helped me start talking more with strangers, is this:

When I’m speaking to someone in a service role, like a waiter, a cashier, or a salesperson, I remind myself that I’m just one of hundreds of people they interact with that day. To them, I’m simply another brief interaction. So if I say something awkward or if the conversation doesn’t flow perfectly, it’s not a big deal. It’s probably just one small, forgettable moment in a long series of conversations they will have that day.

Thinking about it that way helps me relax and not put so much pressure on myself. At the same time, some of the most meaningful or unexpected opportunities can come from simple conversations with strangers. You never really know what a small interaction might lead to, whether it is a new connection, a new perspective, or even an open door you did not see before.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#412

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Losing one’s temper leads things to end badly.

Losing your temper when a serious boundary has been crossed is natural and expected. It had a positive outcome in that it stopped your bad behaviour immediately. > He ended up grabbing me by the throat, while no-one around did a thing to stop him. The bystander effect is real, but you should also take this opportunity for self-reflection, because in this case, you were the person behaving badly who instigated the sit…

No verbal comment, be it a comment or an actual insult or otherwise, justifies violence and crossing the body threshold. In what world do you live?

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#413

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, because it's important. And also figure out why you don't enjoy it, and whether that's a self-reinforcing thing. At the very least you can make it something neutral instead of something you actively dislike and avoid.

But why? If I don't enjoy talking to anyone and everyone, why should I be doing it? What's wrong with focusing on people who matter to me? It's not like I don't give people a chance, but I'm pretty quick in identifying and cutting off people who are draining my energy, even if they are otherwise quite nice and enjoyable company for others.

> If I don't enjoy talking to anyone and everyone, why should I be doing it?

There's probably something to be said about this world being largely built for extroverts and needing to be able to be at least somewhat like that to succeed. Sometimes good opportunities are just a matter of showing up and being sociable, and being good at it.

If you're gonna have to do it, might as well get better at it and get at least somewhat used/desensitized to it. A part of it is also about picking up on social cues, making others comfortable around you and establishing relationships - like those anecdotes about someone who has a really good CV not being able to compete to someone who knows someone at the company, but obviously not just in the professional world.

I don't necessarily like that it's the way it is and have missed out on A LOT of opportunities due to being quite introverted but oh well.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#414
post #322
post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA fo…

When I visited New York City (and the US) for the first time in like 2010 I was taken a back but how much Americans like to chat randomly so this is strange to read. I remember a random guy was chatting to me in the subway, then I got out, waiting at a crosswalk for the green, in those 15 seconds another guy starts another random conversation. In the first 2 hours of the trip I already had maybe 10 random circumstant…

Yep. I lived long enough in the UK to thoroughly absorb their social dynamic, and the chattiness of strangers was my biggest culture shock moving back to the US. (West Coast USA, for those of you who think people here rate high on the "actually reserved" social scale.) I've been back long enough (+decade) to feel comfortable again with this level of random social interaction, but my wife, who's from the US South - twenty years on the West Coast, now - still feels like folks here are socially "cold".

Everyone here should note that The Guardian (I'm old enough to remember when it was The Manchester Guardian) is a UK newspaper, and adjust your understanding of its advice, or its necessity, accordingly.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#415

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it.

I’ve been here since 2009 and this is one of the loveliest comments I’ve read.

At face value, it may seem ‘duh!’.. but there’s a distinct aesthetic to it that resonated with me.

Perhaps the best analogy I can think of is Asimov’s philosophy about writing.

‘I want the reader to forget they are reading as if my thoughts are being transmitted directly from my brain into theirs’ [sic]

Recently, a research publication demonstrated that an LLM.. nah, not today. Sometimes knowing the underlying theory and deciding to disengage from it and just appreciate the moment is fine.

Because I can go outside my apartment here in Tokyo right now and try it. I already do, but each of us has our own unique loveliness. So I’ll keep trying. Just because.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#416
post #28

We are living in a dictatorship of extroverts, who go out of their way (what a suprprise) to tell us that their ways are obviously better.

I can't agree. I'm pretty sure that we're in dictatorship of introverts that convinced everyone that talking or even eye contact with strangers is creep.

"Reduce human contact to bare minimum" is standard now, at least in America.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#417

I talk to everyone. My friends and family joke that it’s impossible for me to go anywhere without getting into conversation with someone. I can’t imagine not doing it. Earlier this year I walked down the main shopping street it the part of the large city where I live, with a colleague from out of town. A few shopkeepers waved through their windows as I went past, the greengrocer came out of his shop to have a quick c…

> She couldn’t understand when I said that would take all the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous. It doesn't have to and I suspect that's why your colleague suggested it. Politicians act that way because that's what people want except they don't want someone who is acting. You have what politicians pretend to have because it makes people like them. You might be…

I'm surprised by all the people saying they dislike transactional talk. Voluntary trades are positive sum by definition, so a good transactional conversation should also be a joyous one.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#418
post #371

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, you see, I don’t think you’ve quite understood the art of talking to anyone. It doesn’t happen by staring at the floor and minding your own business. Quite the opposite, mostly. Despite illusions and every misguided attempt, when in public, you’re not actually in an impenetrable little bubble. And when your bubble bursts, you can laugh, or get angry. I recommend choosing laughter because it’s easier on the eyes…

I would say mastering the art of talking to anyone includes having a good mental model of what the other person thinks or how they would react. It can be delightful to be surprised, but if you are surprised all the time then I would say something may be wrong in the way you see the world. Nowhere did I say that people should mind their own business at all time. You cannot imagine a situation where you shouldn't talk…

I was not interested in his phone until my eyes were drawn to the image of some great big jubbly boobies staring back at me.

I’m sure you’ve encountered the phenomenon of noticing something unusual within your line of sight.

If you’re going to engage with such content in public with such disregard that others’ gaze may be drawn to it, then you deserve to receive whatever wisdom or drivel may spill from those onlookers lips.

And you’re right, there is nothing stopping anyone from talking to me. I accept their intrusion into my space as a peril of being in public. If you climb through my window to speak to me, that is a different matter.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#419

As someone who identifies with the text, a very introverted guy that almost never starts a conversation but it's able to maintain it once they other person starts it, and as someone who has never dated any girl (and failed to do so) I'll just say: almost every random person that talks with me...is a man. It doesn't seems...fair...and, again, says a lot about society.

says a lot about society What does it say?

That society is clearly sick and unwell.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#420
post #395

I've talked to random people. Most of them are unbearably boring, and they need to resort to alcohol and professional sports just to have anything to talk about in the first place. Bring up ECDSA and suddenly you may as well have just beamed down from a spaceship.

Yeah... it's difficult enough to find engaging conversations with people I do know. If you want to talk for the sake of talking, there won't be a shortage of possibilities. And if you are sociable enough, people will do so.

But outside of these parameters? It's very slim picking.

Post reply on HN