Never waste a midlife crisis • Hacker News Board

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#411

Post by ctrlp » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:05 PM UTC

xapata wrote: post #246

ctrlp wrote: post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not a coincidence. It's significantly more common in the profession[0]. They get divorced at a higher rate, and they recommend divorce to their clients. Therapists and psychiatrists are massively responsible for the divorce rates among boomers (the first widespread consumers of these services). Their children apparently learned nothing and are rushing headlong into the same therapy-culture that destroyed so many of t…

> This is a preview of subscription content, access via your institution. Unfortunately, since I can't view the article, I can only guess that they evaluated a large number of professions. Since the abstract focused on law enforcement, it seems unlikely that they adjusted their criteria for statistical significance for psychologists in consideration of the number of variables they evaluated. In other words, "Jelly be…

Here's the paper, decide for yourself.

https://sci-hub.st/https://doi.org/10.1007/s11896-009-9057-8

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#412

Post by throw9away6 » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:06 PM UTC

watwut wrote: post #256

kajecounterhack wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Also, 5+ kids may seem helpful, but not because you won't face existential crisis with five kids -- you just will have more trouble finding time to process. Kids keep you very busy, until they don't. As an ex-church person: the "community" is pretty hurtful to a lot of people and isn't immune to high school clique / cult of personality type things, even if you discount other obvious harms (the experience of gay kids…

> Kids keep you very busy, until they don't. Honestly, seeing some catholic families with 5+ kids, the model where one partner simply spends all time in work and hobbies while leaving all childcare to the other one is super common too.

Doesn’t really seem fair for the wife, I don’t really understand why she puts up with it

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#413

Post by dang » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:10 PM UTC

weregiraffe wrote: post #181

xyzelement wrote: post #2

I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them

[flagged]

Please don't cross into religious flamewar. That's the last thing we want in HN threads, and we're trying to avoid flamewar, putdowns, and name-calling in general. If you wouldn't mind reviewing https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and taking that intention to heart, we'd be grateful.

Fortunately most other commenters sharing your point of view in this thread have been making their substantive points thoughtfully, so there are plenty of good examples nearby.

Edit: unfortunately your account has been posting a lot of unsubstantive and/or flamebait comments - e.g.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=36391350

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=36336547

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35872437

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34726946

Can you please not do that? It's not what this site is for, and destroys what it is for.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#414

Post by ctrlp » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:13 PM UTC

alphager wrote: post #301

ctrlp wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, ok, it's just something to joke about. Nothing's serious. Nothing matters.

Divorce is not the worst outcome of a marriage. Wasting your life in an unhappy marriage and developing lifelong resentments is way worse.

There are lots of bad outcomes in a marriage, but many marriages aren't given much of a chance.Anyone who has been successfully married after decades can tell you that it's ups and downs and takes work and there are many moments when you might want to give up. This culture encourages people to cut bait when things aren't fulfilling the spouse. But that's just more of the same individualistic attitudes that Psychodynamics helped create support for. When you enter into a marriage you are less an individual, when you have children, you are even less an individual. It shouldn't be so easy to divorce and there shouldn't be a whole industry that tries to make it easier. This idea that you can detach from your commits to family because you're "unhappy" is insidious and has too many perverse incentives to list here. Predatory industries like therapy are particularly distasteful because they clothe themselves in virtue when they are actually extreme toxic to the culture at large. That culture, if allowed to be healthy, would obviate the perceived need for most therapy (outside of seriously disordered people). Such needs would be supplied by extended family and friends.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#415

Post by ctrlp » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:16 PM UTC

zo1 wrote: post #275

weregiraffe wrote: post #176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You are saying it like divorce is a bad thing.

It isn't bad if you are in an objectively bad marriage ofc. But if you're in a marriage that "can be worked out" then yeah it's a bad thing, for the kids especially. There is definitely something to be said about making things work because there is no easy "out" called divorce.

In a healthy society, divorce should be difficult, expensive, and rare. Social incentives should be structured to make it less appealing than working on the marriage. Conversely, marriage and children within marriage should be incentivized by law and social programs. It may such policies are unworkable in our present configuration.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#416

Post by dang » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:17 PM UTC

FeteCommuniste wrote: post #109

VoodooJuJu wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[flagged]

What a load of crap. Many of us haven’t been to church in decades yet still are in loving marriages with kids, not frowning and “all alone.” If there’s resentment it’s in part an effect of this stupid insistence that only religious “solutions” can lead to happiness.

Please don't respond to a bad comment by breaking the site guidelines yourself. That only makes things worse.

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#417

Post by ctrlp » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:18 PM UTC

morsch wrote: post #242

ctrlp wrote: post #225

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, those specialties at least have the benefit of medical science behind them but even so I wouldn't go to any of those specialists for mental health advice. Why are surgeons stereotypically arrogant and lacking in bedside manner? Is it, as you say, because they see death and disease every day? Do they cope by dehumanizing people? Or are the naturally that way and so well-suited to the profession? Worth asking.

> I wouldn't go to any of those specialists for mental health advice. Or medical advice! Only damaged people would chose those professions. They are surrounded by death and injury. Are they killers? Will they kill you? These are questions you should ask yourself if you notice a skin abnormality.

Lol, I hope you're intentionally misunderstanding me. Otherwise, you should reread it.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#418

Post by ctrlp » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:20 PM UTC

morsch wrote: post #254

ctrlp wrote: post #226

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not invoking conspiracies about them being mentally ill. I'm suggesting it as characteristic of the type that they are messed up. That's not a conspiracy, any more than saying that people drawn to fighting forest fires are brave or parachute instructors have a high risk tolerance.

People drawn to fighting fires are stereotypically brave, but they are also stereotypically arsonists themselves. The worst people to call when you notice a fire is the fire brigade. They'll just spread more fire! Evidence: they're admitting to burning undergrowth to stop wildfires. "Fighting fire with fire", these people are nuts! Plus - firefighters: stereotypically buff and desirable. You'll lose your house and yo…

You're more right than you think (and less funny). As in many cases, the right person to call in the case of mental distress is a poet.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#419

Post by gilbetron » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:21 PM UTC

ip26 wrote: post #154

layman51 wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What would you say makes San Francisco particularly difficult to find a suitable romantic partner for you if you don’t mind answering? I am curious to hear what you think because I have also heard the same thing about SF and even about Austin, TX.

There are 12% more men than women there. This might not sound bad, but remember 37% of people in CA are already married…

I was talking to a coworker that lives in NYC, and apparently the ratio is reverse there. Up to 20% more women than men in some age brackets - he says it's really easy, and enjoyable, to date at his age (early 30s).

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#420

Post by throw9away6 » Tue, Jul 18, 2023, 5:24 PM UTC

sedatk wrote: post #89

moron4hire wrote: post #65

This is hustle porn. All of Kleon's books are hustle porn. A lot of, "you just gotta, like, do, man." Not a lot of whatever the hell that means for the millions of folks who exist in the long tail of every creative market, struggling day in and day out to try to escape the doldrums of their day jobs, but never making it. Year after year. YouTube video after YouTube video. New social media site after new social media…

On a similar note, I find the "don't waste it on a car, use your imagination" dichotomy quite shallow. Do whatever that makes you happy. You can buy that car if you want, and do great things at the same time too if that's your thing. Or, maybe you're happy with your car, and your work too. You don't owe anyone to be that designated person. You may need to own that car in order to truly process whether you need it in…

If you buy the right car on the depreciation curve you won’t lose that much a lot of these crisis choices can be quite cheap if you don’t do them impulsively.