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Never waste a midlife crisis

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Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#141

Post by mistermann »

Barrin92 wrote: post #12
xyzelement wrote: post #2

I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them

>it's very hard to imagine them going through one because they've outsourced most critical decisions to their faith. As Jung said, people don't have ideas, ideas have people. It's very easy to obtain meaning by getting in a sense hijacked by a very convincing set of beliefs.

It's also very easy to fall for the sensation that not being religious grants one omniscient knowledge of those who are. Somewhat ironically, some religions are some of the best ways to learn about this and other important phenomena that seem unknown to secularists (in ways that are important, and doing some reading ain't guaranteed to make the cut).

Everyone is doing their best, but each of us have our own blind spots. Best to work as a team so we can cover each other's shortcomings.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#142

Post by tjr225 »

pmarreck wrote: post #82
codq wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you. I turned 40 this weekend, and have spent the last few months if not years wondering who the hell I am, and thinking about all the cool projects, startups, languages and learnings I'd love to explore. However, I also have a 3-year old I'm taking care of who drains me of all my excess time and energy. I can't do any of this stuff. I'm exhausted at the end of the day, and with my 1-2 hours at the end of night…

51 with a 2 year old son (my one and only kid, who was technically impossible, hence why he is "late", but then here we are...). He's awesome, but I'm in the same place (2nd paragraph). And, even worse since I'm 51. I have to practically physically claw back any time I need for myself. It's exhausting. I'm hoping to make enough money again by next year where my partner can quit her job and my son can enter a special…

[dead]

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#143

Post by scarface_74 »

quickthrower2 wrote: post #23

Midlife crisis needs to be split into the "responsible for kids" and "not" categories. The "not" people can do wilder/riskier things, although I suspect on average they don't since fear of things massively outweighs "can you actually do it" factors. Probably the paper boxes we build are smaller than the metal ones outside of them.

My wife and I at (46 and 48) went all out 2 years after our younger son graduated and two years after Covid.

TLDR; we downsized from an our house in the burbs and our cars bought a vacation home/investment property in a resort in Florida where we live half the year and we nomad the other half flying across the US.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=36306966

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#144

Post by layman51 »

bsimpson wrote: post #44

This mentality is why I'm nomadding despite the constant threats of Return to Office. (I'm at Google.) I spent a dozen years in San Francisco. I know what serves me there and what doesn't. I know that I find day-to-day life there low-key depressing. I know my friends there have largely moved away and/or moved on to the next chapters of their lives. I know it's way too hard to find a suitable romantic partner there. K…

What would you say makes San Francisco particularly difficult to find a suitable romantic partner for you if you don’t mind answering? I am curious to hear what you think because I have also heard the same thing about SF and even about Austin, TX.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#145

Post by SamPatt »

rootusrootus wrote: post #48
sph wrote: post #27

Good advice, from a 36 year old middle aged man 3 years into a midlife crisis after a massive work-related burnout event. A couple more pieces of advice from me: * A midlife crisis has its own glacial pace. Be prepared to be upside down for a long time. * Be prepared not to be the same person you were before. Be prepared to learn there is no turning back. * If you're in a midlife crisis, your previous life was simply…

> 36 year old middle aged man You're not quite middle aged yet :). And 33 is way too early for a midlife crisis, surely? Maybe it's just garden variety burnout and/or depression?

I'm not the person you're responding to, but both my parents passed away in their mid-50s, and after my startup failed at 35 I hit something like a midlife crisis.

If you believe mid 30s is middle-aged, then it becomes middle-aged - and unfortunately, for some that might be true.

Fortunately for me, this crisis led to a serious investment in my health and fitness, and though I obviously cannot predict my future, I'm far healthier now than anytime in my adult life. I fully agree with the sentiment to not waste a midlife crisis.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#146

Post by sclarisse »

kajecounterhack wrote: post #18
majormajor wrote: post #3

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. I grew up in a church and will tell you right off the bat that neither church nor family prevents one. Googling will give you no shortage of Christian articles and resources around dealing with them. Nobody is immune to that sense of "everything looks peachy…

Also, 5+ kids may seem helpful, but not because you won't face existential crisis with five kids -- you just will have more trouble finding time to process. Kids keep you very busy, until they don't. As an ex-church person: the "community" is pretty hurtful to a lot of people and isn't immune to high school clique / cult of personality type things, even if you discount other obvious harms (the experience of gay kids…

Christianity is heavy on the guilt. If you’re self-flagellating, that’s a sign it’s guilt, not shame.

East Asian cultures are more about the shame. And try not to go anywhere where the social order is based on Fear.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#147

Post by heyoni »

Clubber wrote: post #139
OO000oo wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

38 yo male now starting to think I don’t know what a midlife crisis is.

It means you'll never be 18 or 23 or 30 or 35 again. The youth that you took for granted is gone forever and time will march with you until your death. Death may be maybe be 2 years from now or 40 years from now, fully knowing that you body will start failing. Even if you have 40 years, not all of them will be good years, especially the last ones. Once you are gone, that's it, all the time you spent improving yoursel…

So, not for naught? Seriously, we’re social creatures that live for others. You can have 40 good years serving the next generation, building wealth for them and sharing in their joys.

I’m sensing this strange notion in older generations where they absolutely refuse to let go and insist on keeping their youth and the spotlight to no or some avail. Technology is getting better and making people hold on for longer but I think it leads to your kind of statement that life ain’t that great unless we’re out there crushing it all the time.

I guess it fits nicely with the declining notion that having children isn’t worth it either.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#148

Post by xboxnolifes »

steve_taylor wrote: post #118
boringg wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

True but if you make a decision that makes you a bitter adult then they have to live with that as well - as a role model for your kids no less. No easy answers unfortunately.

Fulfilment doesn’t feed your children or put a roof over their heads. The expectation is that men provide. The wife and kids would prefer a bitter provider over a happy “deadbeat”.

I actually think most kids would prefer a happy in-their-life, less successful, dad, over a bitter, never-in-their-life, career professional.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#149

Post by p1esk »

ctrlp wrote: post #125
sph wrote: post #27

Good advice, from a 36 year old middle aged man 3 years into a midlife crisis after a massive work-related burnout event. A couple more pieces of advice from me: * A midlife crisis has its own glacial pace. Be prepared to be upside down for a long time. * Be prepared not to be the same person you were before. Be prepared to learn there is no turning back. * If you're in a midlife crisis, your previous life was simply…

[flagged]

Think about the life your typical therapist is leading

What kind of life are they leading?

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#150

Post by mistermann »

xyzelement wrote: post #107
kgwxd wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[flagged]

That doesn't sound like a person with actual religion.

I like the way Kierkegaard inverted the scenario:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM24cLo8M/

To me, this is better for a causality oriented approach to things, versus the "cultural common sense, everyone knows" intuitive approach that seems to be recommended.

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