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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#371

Post by photonemitter »

arthurmerlin wrote: post #171
onlyrealcuzzo wrote: post #138

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've learned that people hardly ever want advice. Mostly, they want you to tell them that everything is okay. The hard thing to square is, if you really care about someone, and you really think you have some input that could help them, you need to figure out how to communicate that without annoying them / hurting their feelings. It's also important not to have an ego when giving advice / input. It's likely that you'r…

At least for me, I would love advice that perfectly solves all my problems. But probably this advice doesn't exist, because if it did, I would have figured it out already. I often have conversations that go like this - Me: I have this problem that sucks. Other person: Have you tried A? Me: No, I thought about that already. A isn't a good idea because of B. Other person: Well, what about C? Me: No, I thought about tha…

This is covered in the book «games people play» (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)) under the name «why don’t you? yes, but...»

In some cases People aren’t looking for the advice/solution, as much as the recognition that they have a problem... person A tells a problem, person B suggests ways to resolve the problem, to which person A has to give/come up with a reason why that solution won’t do. We then repeat this until a stalemate is reached, and everybody can acknowledge that person A is justified in their feelings about having a problem...

So on the flip side; your example seems to be a misinterpretation of this game. I.e. some person who’s played this game, and learned that this is what to do, meets a frustration where you’re not playing along with it... (maybe)

Short order solution; don’t play that game with people who don’t have a healthy relationship with frustrating problems.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#372

Post by rsp1984 »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

I can relate to this 100%. The funny thing is though, I actually like it when friends give me candid unsolicited advice -- of course as long as it's communicated respectfully and not in a condescending manner. I take it as a sign that someone is more than superficially interested in the interaction with me, and it helps me understand other people's viewpoints.

“look, I have to tell you something really really important”

See, this is what I mean. In that case it was your friend giving you unsolicited advice and it sounds like it was actually important advice to receive and your life improved as a consequence. Do you now like your friend less?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#373

Post by rimliu »

dejawu wrote: post #181

I'm not sure if I'm alone in this, but I vehemently avoid guides or manuals to human interaction after a near-miss encounter with PUA shit in high school that almost led to me becoming a very different and much less likable person. Once I'm told that there's a certain way that is more or less "optimal" to interact with other people, I'm going to start seeing every conversation as an optimization problem, and that is…

Interacting with others by-the-book goes as smoothly as driving with your eyes closed and just listening to the directions given by someone sitting next to you. Ok, I will turn right now, but why?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#374

Post by nmeofthestate »

0xffff2 wrote: post #239
cwkoss wrote: post #168

I read some "pick up artist" literature in college: about two thirds of it is misogynistic garbage, but the remainder has some good tips on general platonic social interaction (and a major issue with insecure men is learning to interact with women in a casual platonic way without acting odd and creepy because they are hoping for more). - If you aren't good at speaking in a captivating way, literally write out your be…

That really has to be one of the more ridiculous ice breakers I've ever seen. I'd ascribe about as much meaning to those supposed relationships as I would to a grocery store horoscope, and in much the same way. If you're inclined to do so, you can go back as you read the explanation of what each thing "means" and pick out all of the bits you agree with to convince yourself that it makes sense.

I'm irked after reading that bullshit The Cube thing - probably says a lot about my personality.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#375

Post by wolfgke »

swagasaurus-rex wrote: post #359
epanchin wrote: post #267

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ironic

If he truly did not care about talking about himself... would he have said so?

> If he truly did not care about talking about himself... would he have said so?

He said that he does not like talking about himself - perhaps that is even why thfuran's comment was short and concise. He did not say that he does not talk about himself.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#376

Post by dspillett »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

> I’ve lost friends over this

I've stopped helping, or even started avoiding, some "friends" because of this.

Of course some tact is needed, and I've sometimes got that wrong. You have to properly listen before making suggestions, perhaps you need to ask questions first too to make sure you actually really understand, and definitely watch for signs (or explicit mentions) that advice/solutions are not wanted at this point (sometimes people just need to sound it out, to help get things in order in their own heads), and don't give definitive sounding advice when you aren't as sure as you sound, and sometimes great care needs to be given to your wording/intonation (lest advice be confused for judgement), but if after all that I make a suggestion and get my face bitten off, I am not the dick in that situation.

An actual quote, yelled before storming off: "oh, that is just like you, trying to solve everything". Damn right that is just like me, the me you know well. If someone I care about has a problem in front of me then yes I'll try help them solve it. If you don't like that, then making me not care is not particularly difficult - screaming "oh, that is just like you, trying to solve everything", storming off, and not offering any apology at all afterwards, is an effective step in that process.

Of course I need to be aware that how I react to problems may not be what other people want, and I'm not afraid to admit that empathy is a trait/skill I am sometimes not as strong in as I would like to be. But accepting that other people are different should work both ways.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#377

Post by doomjunky »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

Giving advice is a domination game

Ref: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20752088

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#378

Post by sejtnjir »

photonemitter wrote: post #371
arthurmerlin wrote: post #171

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At least for me, I would love advice that perfectly solves all my problems. But probably this advice doesn't exist, because if it did, I would have figured it out already. I often have conversations that go like this - Me: I have this problem that sucks. Other person: Have you tried A? Me: No, I thought about that already. A isn't a good idea because of B. Other person: Well, what about C? Me: No, I thought about tha…

This is covered in the book «games people play» ( https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book) ) under the name «why don’t you? yes, but...» In some cases People aren’t looking for the advice/solution, as much as the recognition that they have a problem... person A tells a problem, person B suggests ways to resolve the problem, to which person A has to give/come up with a reason why that solution won’t do…

Bernian games are situations where the initiator is looking for a pay-off (eg. validation). The parent's comment is not about such a situation.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#379

Post by Angostura »

jimmaswell wrote: post #281
ljm wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m a coach in training and question number 3 there is a powerful question. That’s a really great question to ask because you’re not getting involved in the topic, you’re not giving them ideas, and you’re not working through it for them. The others are too nuanced to easily explain, but “what are you going to do with that,” is a fucking fantastic question when a friend confides in you. You’re right that this requires…

"My car's been having trouble" "I know a good mechanic" "Oh my god how dare you take my agency away from me, I'm never talking to you again" Good riddance if that's how somebody in my life ever reacted in that situation.

Maybe try to establish whether it is something they could fix themselves first?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#380

Post by mason_jake »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

I was told last year I can be way too optimistic / silver-lining-finding in negative situations. I used to always look for the solution to a problem as opposed to providing whatever the sharer of that problem wanted (usually validation/assurance).

It has been somewhat difficult to turn off that "always helping" part of me - and to be frank it will probably never go away completely which I don't think is a bad thing - but substantial progress has been made.

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