Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

351–360 of 440 posts

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#351

Post by goto11 »

jimmaswell wrote: post #281
ljm wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m a coach in training and question number 3 there is a powerful question. That’s a really great question to ask because you’re not getting involved in the topic, you’re not giving them ideas, and you’re not working through it for them. The others are too nuanced to easily explain, but “what are you going to do with that,” is a fucking fantastic question when a friend confides in you. You’re right that this requires…

"My car's been having trouble" "I know a good mechanic" "Oh my god how dare you take my agency away from me, I'm never talking to you again" Good riddance if that's how somebody in my life ever reacted in that situation.

Can you imagine the reverse scenario, people giving you unsolicited advice?

Most people just don't like advice they didn't ask for.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#352

Post by tapland »

therealcamino wrote: post #85
x2f10 wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> or someone who reads. Can you please elaborate? I don't follow.

Often, mispronouncing a word means you've seen it in print, but haven't heard it said aloud. So I've heard some people say that they mentally frame it not as an embarrassing mistake but as a sign that the speaker reads a lot.

As a non-native english speaker it's a weird mix of confusion/joy/madness when I see native speakers who don't read spell a word in a horrendous way that only makes sense to me the instant I read it aloud internally. The same language but spoken or written it's two different worlds.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#353

Post by majani »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

This is very hard, especially when you make ground-breaking strides in life and notice someone making the same mistakes you made previously. I personally had the epiphany last year that a woman's attraction to you cannot be bought or negotiated. It's a conscious effort to keep my mouth shut when seeing other men breaking their backs trying to buy their way into a woman's heart with wild experiences and fancy gifts.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#354

Post by akdas »

procombo wrote: post #270
AnimalMuppet wrote: post #195

Earlier quoted context omitted.

With my wife, when she was upset about something, I'd tell her how to fix it. That... didn't go well. Eventually, I learned to just let her talk, and for me to say "Uh huh", for about five minutes. Then I could tell her how to fix the problem. But I had to listen for five minutes first. Note well: Five minutes worked for me talking to my wife . For person X talking to person Y, the correct time may range from 0 to in…

Made me chuckle. Your "just let them talk for 5 minutes", is another person's "wait until they're receptive to feedback." :) I've never met a frustrated or angry person who is receptive to actual feedback. I'm the same way. Validate my emotional concern first, then move on to the next step. Most of the time all I need to do is vocalize my problem... and that works best when I "have the floor." If you don't mind me su…

> Your "just let them talk for 5 minutes", is another person's "wait until they're receptive to feedback."

The way I'd put it is "just let them talk for 5 minutes" is another person's "actually listen to them before offering feedback". I'm constantly surprised by how many people offer advice without even hearing what the problem actually is.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#355

Post by PakG1 »

hippich wrote: post #331
PakG1 wrote: post #309

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find that I am like most people in these threads and find it difficult to not provide advice on how to solve unsolved problems in other people's lives. That being said, when more "socially normal" people are the recipients of other people's venting, I don't imagine that they are able to ignore it because they are psychopaths. In fact, I imagine many of them aren't actually ignoring it. I imagine that many of them f…

Sorry for a wrong impression, I am not saying "socially normal" ones are psychopaths. If their natural reaction to someone's suffering is emotional support - it is totally normal in my book to do it. But for me to fake emotional support to support socially accepted norm without feeling bad about it, would be psychopathic behavior - do what others expect from you to not be frown upon. And I doubt "socially normal" peo…

Funny enough, I think you and I are very like minds on this subject.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#356

Post by jwilk »

b0rsuk wrote: post #287
wisty wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In Chinese culture, there's a big thing about your true friends being the ones who will tell you when you're wrong. A coworker, on the other hand, is not your responsibility, it's their life they're screwing up. Of course, that doesn't mean people like it. Personally, I will eventually give advice to people if they're venting. I'll make it polite, of course. If they don't want to fix their shit, then I'm not obliged…

In Poland, we have a proverb "One gets to know his true friends when he's poor." A true friend will be with you in times of need, a false one will break ties.

Many languages have similar sayings:

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/a_friend_in_need_is_a_friend_...

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#357

Post by swagasaurus-rex »

hippich wrote: post #298
ljm wrote: post #264

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes and no. When you ask “so what do you want to do about it?”, you get no as an answer. “I was just venting man” is a legit response, so it’s all fair enough. You can take it from there. Let them vent, you can only vent so much.

I am not sure it is that simple. When someone vents off to me - I can't ignore it, I am no psychopath. This is especially hard with people whom I am close with. Having a solution is what gives my brain to "check it off", which I equally need as they need to vent. What should I do? To tell fuck off with their complains if they are not seeking a solution? (done that to some, they still do not understand) Just keep soak…

You bring up a lot of challenging questions. Here's a perspective I've heard that I found insightful:

Somethings can be true and useful.

Somethings can be true and neither useful nor useless.

Somethings can be true and counterproductive.

These philosophical statements I think do apply to general conversation. Sometimes it's not useful to tell somebody what steps they need to take, sometimes because they put themselves in the situation in the first place, and sometimes because they just need to understand it from a wholistic perspective.

Because people are at seeing their actions. We then judge ourselves by our motives—and others by their behavior. Even the smartest of us.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#358

Post by swagasaurus-rex »

yters wrote: post #52
wisty wrote: post #43

Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a…

Optimal is nice aggression: push forward for the goal in the nicest way possible, and resort to more confrontational style only when absolutely necessary.

Resort to confrontation if you are justified.

Being justified in a social setting means other people need to agree with you.

It involves directly addressing the matter at hand; why it is you are justified in confronting somebody. It can also be tactful if you get the person you are confronting to be very specific on the details and why they did something worth being confronted about.

The crowd will decide on their own, but if you truly are justified in confronting somebody then you should have solid foundation for debate.

Now, certain crowds practice mob justice, but that's another thing entirely.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#360

Post by swagasaurus-rex »

mrfredward wrote: post #100
kempbellt wrote: post #67

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code This may reflect your subjective experience, but I have had a different experience and would (kindly) give you the heads up that this is a borderline sexist generalization. I've met women in the industry that are just as capable as nerding out over new tech as I am - even if it hasn't been very common (in my experience).

Can we agree that "most young women" != "women in tech", just like "most young men" != "men in tech"? Most men don't want to talk about code either.

They do want to talk about their app idea though
Post reply on HN