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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#341

Post by Aramgutang »

odammit wrote: post #258
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"?

Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#342

Post by shaklee3 »

JimboOmega wrote: post #332
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

It's really not that hard unless you have kids. Just leave earlier. Like someone said, you wouldn't be late for a flight since you actually care.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#343

Post by shaklee3 »

Aramgutang wrote: post #341
odammit wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"? Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

Do you miss a lot of flights?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#344

Post by Aramgutang »

groby_b wrote: post #285
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

No, whenever I'm running 30 minutes late, whatever I did in those 30 minutes was nowhere near as important as the other person's time. It was probably something that didn't deserve my time at all that day, or sometimes even any other day.

Those of us who are deficient in executive function aren't "choosing to not give a damn". It's not a "choice". If you're a person who always has complete control over their actions, please consider the fact that some of us don't have that luxury, and our own lives suffer even more from it than the lives of the people who we subject to our tardiness.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#345

Post by 13of40 »

ShabbosGoy wrote: post #259
13of40 wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For what it's worth, mushrooms are pretty hard to enjoy if you're a friendless 30+ alone in the forest.

Depends on the individual. If you’re using it for entheogenic purposes, then the forest is a great place to enjoy it. I’m reminded of the image of a Buddhist monk meditating under a waterfall in quiet contemplation.

What I mean is sometimes you find out you're the Buddha and sometimes you find out you're a lonely, pudgy 35 year old doing drugs in the woods and wondering how you're going to come down in time to get to the office in the morning. You imagine you're going to go out and meditate in a garden full of friendly animals, but the nature of tripping is that the non-tripping mind cannot predict the experience with any kind of fidelity. Especially if you're 35 and haven't found a free day to go do it since you were 25, due to mortgages and whatnot.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#346

Post by Aramgutang »

shaklee3 wrote: post #343
Aramgutang wrote: post #341

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"? Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

Do you miss a lot of flights?

Yes.

I'll quote what I wrote in a reply further below:

> I've missed at least 8 flights in the past decade, have seen only the last 80-90% of many of the films I watched in the cinema, have had to stand in the back for the first act of many stage productions, etc. Seeing me walk, rather than run, through train stations and airports is a rare sight. I don't recall a single multi-day bushwalk I've been on, where I pitched my tent before sunset, or even within 2 hours after it.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#347

Post by fusiongyro »

tluyben2 wrote: post #65
fusiongyro wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same. I had friends, but I don't have time for them and frankly my quality of life isn't suffering yet. I suppose this is something I might regret when I'm 60, but for now I can't be bothered.

You probably will regret it much earlier than that but from the sound of it you made up your mind for now. Many friends fell into such a deep pit when their kids moved out or something else disturbed their life. Old friends aint coming back and new real friends are hard to make for most after 30. Then again, everyone is different so maybe you will not have that issue.

I have never had a particularly hard time making friends. Then again most of my close friends are in their 60s or 70s now, so they won't be there for me in my 60s no matter how much energy I devote to maintaining the friendship.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#348

Post by wruza »

My guess is that I’m not interested in people at all, and so are my remaining friends. From time to time you meet a person who has a potential to be friends with, but all the potential activities you’ve already seen and got bored of. I don’t get drunk, high, do not do crazy things or sharp discussions anymore. Common interests are just that - common interests. What makes you friends with someone is not just spending time together, but doing something you’ll never do with random people (though few people think they are your friends because they spent some time with you). Now most of ‘still friends’ that I have simply offload their problems to someone’s ears when we meet, or endlessly discuss material matters like property prices, car options and female parameters.

I don’t think you can make true friends in 30s unless you’re taking part in a war-like activity.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#349

Post by JimboOmega »

ryanwaggoner wrote: post #220
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

There may be some people who genuinely have trouble keeping track of time or planning ahead, but 99% of people who are habitually late (myself included at times) are just rude and inconsiderate. Come on, in your own example you provide a white lie to the person and tell them it'll be 30 mins, when you know that it could likely be longer. Why not just say you're running an hour late instead? I suffer from this myself,…

So yes, that's not what I was saying, but it's true I also suffer from RIDICULOUS time-optimism. When I say I'll be there in 30 minutes, that's what I honestly think.

But I forget about the time to find my always-lost cell phone, the time to ride the elevator - basically everything except the actual time on the road/bus/etc... 30 minutes being that magical time every light was green and everything went perfectly, etc.

This impacts all areas of my life. It's a reason I'm reluctant to carpool or take caltrain, heck, I'm always late to my Therapist... and I pay a lot for that.

Point is that I really try to avoid things where I have to be EXACTLY ON TIME.

For instance, if I'm going to a theater show, I'll plan to meet my friends for dinner beforehand. I might not be able to eat (they will), but at least I'll make the show on time.

Incidentally "I'll plan to be 30 minutes early, so I won't stress the entire time"... doesn't work somehow.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#350

Post by newfoundglory »

rpiguy wrote: post #286
Kluny wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

I agree with everything you wrote except that you seem to be implying this is a male thing, when it is equally common for a woman to drop her friends once she is in a stable relationship and to become dependent on her partner for all social interaction (the suddenly codependent girlfriend is something almost all men experience at some point when dating). Later in life it sometimes manifests as an obsession with ones…

It is not at all equally common, it is a known health risk for men that they are likely to have less social support than women, and it is one of the contributors to the very elevated mortality risk of becoming a widower compared to becoming a widow. Here’s a reference to a few older studies if you like - https://books.google.com/books?id=J3-78PdF83kC&pg=PA201&lpg=...
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