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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#221

Post by isoskeles »

JimboOmega wrote: post #212
emodendroket wrote: post #117

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

Sure, a "punctuality obsessed" person would hate you. But normal people might also hate you.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#222

Post by 13of40 »

newnewpdro wrote: post #191
emodendroket wrote: post #117

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

I'm reminded of a song by Cake; Tougher Than It Is. [1] Some people are so high-strung and high-maintenance, I don't know why they do it to themselves. Perhaps their career path rewards this behavior, and they become so obsessed with success as defined by their career, whatever that means, that it becomes their entire identity. Because the way Thayer is approaching life sounds a whole lot like the way people behave i…

For what it's worth, mushrooms are pretty hard to enjoy if you're a friendless 30+ alone in the forest.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#223

Post by drewmol »

I agree it takes consistent effort to develop new friendships well into adulthood (like any worthwhile relationship). For most, during childhood/adolescence/young adulthood it takes consistent effort to NOT develop friendships, the opportunities are often forced upon you.

Advise: If you are an adult who is struggling to find friendship and find yourself pushing away opportunities bc of (percieved) unequal interest: Resist your ego's crusade of misery.

If you've ever flaked on someone for a reason other than: you secretly hate them, or malicous disrespect... try calling an 11th time, maybe even a 15th(...apply discression here, and of course not in a row).

Relationships are not a zero sum game, don't wait for hubris to rationalize loneliness.

Edit: also, meetup.com

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#224

Post by bzbarsky »

ryanwaggoner wrote: post #220
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

There may be some people who genuinely have trouble keeping track of time or planning ahead, but 99% of people who are habitually late (myself included at times) are just rude and inconsiderate. Come on, in your own example you provide a white lie to the person and tell them it'll be 30 mins, when you know that it could likely be longer. Why not just say you're running an hour late instead? I suffer from this myself,…

I think you misread the example. Person A says they will be 30 mins late. Person B responds they are running late too, probably by an hour, so person A doesn't need to worry about being a mere 30 minutes late.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#225

Post by Trav5 »

ryanwaggoner wrote: post #220
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

There may be some people who genuinely have trouble keeping track of time or planning ahead, but 99% of people who are habitually late (myself included at times) are just rude and inconsiderate. Come on, in your own example you provide a white lie to the person and tell them it'll be 30 mins, when you know that it could likely be longer. Why not just say you're running an hour late instead? I suffer from this myself,…

Humans are really bad at estimating time. So it may just be consistently bad time estimation born out of optimism. The solution is still to double the amount of time you expect things to take so that you're closer to the mark.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#226

Post by ryanwaggoner »

bzbarsky wrote: post #224
ryanwaggoner wrote: post #220

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There may be some people who genuinely have trouble keeping track of time or planning ahead, but 99% of people who are habitually late (myself included at times) are just rude and inconsiderate. Come on, in your own example you provide a white lie to the person and tell them it'll be 30 mins, when you know that it could likely be longer. Why not just say you're running an hour late instead? I suffer from this myself,…

I think you misread the example. Person A says they will be 30 mins late. Person B responds they are running late too, probably by an hour, so person A doesn't need to worry about being a mere 30 minutes late.

Ah, you're right! I did read it as "means", not "meets" :)

Leaving it for a permanent record of my crankiness. Sigh, I may be getting old...

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#227

Post by yters »

We've lost the families and social institutions that once developed those relationships, and in general the ability to put up with people outside our comfort zone. If you've read CS Lewis' Great Divorce, it is his vision of hell, everyone living in their own isolated, make believe houses, ever moving farther away from each other because they cannot stand anyone else.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#228

Post by ryanwaggoner »

Trav5 wrote: post #225
ryanwaggoner wrote: post #220

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There may be some people who genuinely have trouble keeping track of time or planning ahead, but 99% of people who are habitually late (myself included at times) are just rude and inconsiderate. Come on, in your own example you provide a white lie to the person and tell them it'll be 30 mins, when you know that it could likely be longer. Why not just say you're running an hour late instead? I suffer from this myself,…

Humans are really bad at estimating time. So it may just be consistently bad time estimation born out of optimism. The solution is still to double the amount of time you expect things to take so that you're closer to the mark.

Humans are really, really bad at lots of things, but we usually learn ways to compensate, particularly if it's important. Someone like myself who struggles with being late (due to optimism, exactly as you said) absolutely knows that they have this weakness, because it happens constantly and causes all manner of friction and problems. If you don't make any serious attempts to compensate and be better, you're just demonstrating that you don't care that much.

Or maybe I'm just getting old and cranky.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#229

Post by Meekro »

sillysaurus3 wrote: post #133
pmoriarty wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

So I go up to the pharmacist. He's an older gent about my dad's age. We know each other since I pick up my script for sleep issues every month. "How you doing today?" "Oh, you know how it is." He gives me a weak smile. I can tell he feels worn down from the daily grind. I pick up my script, then think of a way to keep chatting. "Hey, this is going to sound weird, but I also have medical condition. Do you have any adv…

I'm self-employed and I have a rented desk at the local WeWork coworking space. I go there when I feel like getting out of the house to get some work done.

Using the coworking space is a surprisingly good way to meet people. Obviously the guy locked in an office, headphones on, hammering out code should be left alone -- but there will be many people sitting in the common areas, chatting with their buddies. They might be drinking the free beer on tap. They probably have a startup, open source project, etc. that they're passionate about and would be happy to tell you about.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#230

Post by davesque »

pwaai wrote: post #206
davesque wrote: post #72

American here: I've had the problem at a few different times in my life that, whenever I actually suggested to guy friends that we hang out, they interpreted it as a pass and thought I was gay. I'm not making this up at all. I think part of the problem is not just the way that priorities change as we get older but the fact that the US seems to have an extremely closed-off and anxiety-ridden culture to begin with. May…

I think this is a uniquely Anglo cultural thing, in the backdrop of a stricter gender norms formed out of industrialization. Everybody is so afraid of being seen as gay while maintaining a front of being politically correct about it (I suppose there is genuine fear of being publicly labelled a homophobe or a racist). In almost all parts of the world, there's nothing wrong with grown men hanging out or grabbing drinks…

I've noticed this when traveling in other countries or when dealing with people from outside of the US. I think that's why the majority of my friends in college were exchange students.
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