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A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

jakobgreenfeld.com

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Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#311

Post by vorpalhex »

nefitty wrote: post #277
brnt wrote: post #267

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know what it is in me or how it got there, but I seem to be thoroughly convinced that I'll only be bothering people. When I rationally think about it, even emotionally, I disagree, yet I cannot shake the instinctual feeling.

One of the most powerful life hacks I've discovered is management of rejection sensitivity/expectation of rejection. CBT can help. Also, surprisingly, Tylenol... https://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-tylenol-ingred...

Be very skeptical of healthline and treat them like an actively malicious source. They have supported batshit insane nonsense in the past.

In this case they did not even link to the study! They literally only have a link to the magazine's description.

Several searches haven't yielded the study they are referencing either, only more content farms running the same story.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#312

Post by andersonmvd »

The problem is when you know someone contacted you because of their 'system'. I feel less compelled to reply. It feels more that the person is doing their chores and you are just helping them to get the task done. Somewhat similar because people only reminded of you because facebook displayed on their timeline that it was your birthday. No right or wrong here, but when it's not genuine it's not genuine and period.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#313

Post by Jeff_Brown »

travisporter wrote: post #255
notreallyserio wrote: post #211

The biggest reason I don't maintain contact with people from my past is I was a much worse person in my past and I'm either embarrassed about my behavior or concerned that my shittiness is what led to our relationship in the first place. In any case, I find it's easier (and emotionally satisfying) to stay in touch with a couple people that I can have natural, unforced conversations with. Scheduling interactions on a…

I dunno, I am very bad on the phone and an introvert but I found that even after a few years I have people who are genuinely happy to speak with me. I forced myself to call one of them last week and reconnected. Not my best friend but feels good

The forcing is weird, right? Why in the world does it take so much work to reach out to someone?

The obvious explanation would be fear of rejection.

Another story you could tell is fear of connection due to opportunity cost -- what if, among all the people you could connect with, this one isn't a great choice but will end up consuming a lot of your time?

But I think it's probably the first.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#314

Post by domenicd »

This is a very helpful post.

Over the pandemic, I fell into the habit of basically only socializing with my partner. When you have a comfortable relationship with such high availability it's too easy to neglect friendships.

As things have opened back up, so far I've been basically relying on extrovert friends to do outreach. This means that a lot of my introvert friends, who are (like me) bad at reaching out, I haven't seen in months. A system like this would probably give me the nudge I need to take the initiative myself.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#315

Post by vorpalhex »

hobo_mark wrote: post #297
kator wrote: post #205

Interesting way to approach it, my approach might be less technical, when someone comes to mind randomly, I just txt them with: Hey, you just popped into my mind, I hope all is well with you and yours! It's simple, lightweight, and you'd be shocked how often the other person pings back. My completely un-scientific view is that most people think of others once in a while. Perhaps we're too busy to reach out, or the gu…

If I ever received a message like that I would be completely weirded out, is this a thing people actually do ?

Yup. I started doing it after some friends disappeared out of my life not due to any reason, just.. social entropy. So I started reaching out.

Sometimes conversations don't go anywhere, just the "How are you?" "Fine" kind of stuff. Never had a negative experience. Have had a fair amount of positive ones - news about friends having kids, finding partners, new jobs, etc. A few people who had left my life are now back in my orbit.

At the cost of a few minutes, it's potentially high gain.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#316

Post by Jeff_Brown »

bgroat wrote: post #216
kator wrote: post #205

Interesting way to approach it, my approach might be less technical, when someone comes to mind randomly, I just txt them with: Hey, you just popped into my mind, I hope all is well with you and yours! It's simple, lightweight, and you'd be shocked how often the other person pings back. My completely un-scientific view is that most people think of others once in a while. Perhaps we're too busy to reach out, or the gu…

Every couple of days I scroll through my text history to the bottom and see if there's anyone there I'd like to talk to. I call it "The Poor Man's CRM"

I like this. I'd like it a ton if I had a single feed that would aggregate my texts, whatsapp, my various email addresses, telegram, signal, skype, zoom, facebook messenger ...

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#317

Post by avgcorrection »

awkward wrote: post #282

The OP's system seems good, but the initial system, where the guy lists everyone he knows by A, B, C and D seems like he's creating informational toxic waste, IE something that causes damage if it gets out. Even if all it means is they get less emails, who the hell wants to find themselves categorized as acquaintance level D.

> Even if all it means is they get less emails, who the hell wants to find themselves categorized as acquaintance level D.

If the feeling is mutual then that’s completely fine. The only problem is when there’s a mismatch.

There might be people who get hurt when they find out that Peter, who they consider to be barely a friend, does in fact not consider them to be a best friend. But that sounds pathological.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#318

Post by stronglikedan »

Jeff_Brown wrote: post #313
travisporter wrote: post #255

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I dunno, I am very bad on the phone and an introvert but I found that even after a few years I have people who are genuinely happy to speak with me. I forced myself to call one of them last week and reconnected. Not my best friend but feels good

The forcing is weird, right? Why in the world does it take so much work to reach out to someone? The obvious explanation would be fear of rejection. Another story you could tell is fear of connection due to opportunity cost -- what if, among all the people you could connect with, this one isn't a great choice but will end up consuming a lot of your time? But I think it's probably the first.

It's simpler than that. I don't feel the need to maintain relationships for my day to day well being, but I force myself to, because I don't want to die alone someday. But I also recognize that I'm an extreme hermit/introvert who is happy calling my dog my "SO", and will probably end up dying alone in a cabin in the woods someday, so it may all just be futile anyway.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#319

Post by DamnInteresting »

andersonmvd wrote: post #312

The problem is when you know someone contacted you because of their 'system'. I feel less compelled to reply. It feels more that the person is doing their chores and you are just helping them to get the task done. Somewhat similar because people only reminded of you because facebook displayed on their timeline that it was your birthday. No right or wrong here, but when it's not genuine it's not genuine and period.

Another way to look at it: This hypothetical person created their 'system' because they valued their connections enough to establish a way to maintain them. And they specifically added you to the finite list of people they don't want to lose touch with. So it is genuine—it's just a reminder, we all need reminders once in a while.

Now, if the person isn't actually your friend, but a professional contact (e.g., recruiter) who just hopes to extract value from you someday, then those guys can go jump in a lake.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#320

Post by soapdog »

scotty79 wrote: post #123

> Of course, not everyone publishes content or updates regularly. In that case, I usually just ask what they’ve been up to lately. > You’d be surprised how many people are really happy to get these kinds of messages and they often spark all kinds of deeper conversations. I had an acquaintance I barely had any common interests with that every few weeks out of the blue would ask me "what's up?". Not once did it lead to…

An important aspect of this kind of workflow — one that is kinda glossed over in the convo here — is that the relationship one have with a contact is fluid. If the convo with a contact is cool, and you're both having fun, you're probably gonna bump to more frequent exchanges, while if the contact never seems to engage, you're probably going to bump them down or even remove them from the workflow. There is no point in annoying people.

Clearly, this acquaintance of yours is not taking your lack of response into account. Or, they're just trying to get closer to you and you might be reading their message as inpersonal when it is actually genuine. Anyway, I can't see myself sending multiple messages per month to someone who never answers back.

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