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I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

nytimes.com

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Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#301

Post by kspacewalk »

EdwardDiego wrote: post #43
zanny wrote: post #26

If you have children and then choose to work over doing the legitimately full time job of being a parent (full time being at least 40 hours a week, not that you can't do anything else ever) you need to provide them at least a parent to do that job or else you are neglecting them. Psychology is pretty uniform in the observation that children need parents, preferably both, but just one is a massive developmental influe…

> you need to provide them at least a parent to do that job or else you are neglecting them. When am I neglecting my kids exactly? In the two hours of after school care between school ending and my coming home? You're implying that there's a direct correlation between quantity and quality of parenting, that's a bold claim.

When it comes to panting, an important part of quality is quantity. As much as some people want to think that a day filled to the brim with exciting activities is a substitute for a week of near-absence, it's just not. That's not only my experience, but the experience of many of my friends with parents who greatly prioritized their career over spending time with them.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#302

Post by untog »

50656E6973 wrote: post #299
untog wrote: post #277

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And you're selectively quoting me. I did not say "women suffer far more", I said "women suffer more from violence by men than vice versa". If you're going to debate a quote at least be honest about it. Framing things as human problems is a lovely concept, but disparities exist. Ignoring them by labeling them a "false dichotomy" and talking about "victim olympics" does not help solve any issues. You can't solve an iss…

>You can't solve an issue without identifying its causes. Agreed. How are the fundamental causes of domestic violence different from the fundamental causes of all other types of physical violence, in your opinion?

They're often rooted in the lack of emotional tools us men are given to process anger. We are raised to be "strong" and talking about your feelings is seen as weak. So things bottle up until they explode, often in the direction of domestic partners because they are closest. Particularly in situations out of our control... it's even been shown in studies that reports of domestic violence increase when a local sports team loses a game.

By comparison the violence that happens when a person gets mugged is wrapped up in the act of the mugging. Rarely is anyone doing it for fun, they're doing it because they need money. Being convicted for a crime you didn't commit has nothing to do with violence at all. And men being sent off to war... well, I'll spare the pages long post about nation states, but the point is that the cause of that isn't meaningfully similar to that of domestic violence.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#303

Post by MRD85 »

rlonn wrote: post #175
yomly wrote: post #146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>If you're intellectually driven then looking after two young children isn't fascinating. I've never understood this viewpoint - children are simply the most fascinating things! They're born with next to no inborn knowledge and yet have the potential to learn about quantum mechanics. Someone with the same potential would only have learned about fire some hundred thousands of years ago. In the early days you get to se…

I agree. There are lots of things about raising kids that are intellectually stimulating and fascinating. I really enjoy seeing them grow mentally and figuring out ways to help them along, and also think up ways to make things fun of course, because everyone needs fun. For us, this has meant quite a lot of shared cultural consumption. I've bought hundreds of story books 2nd hand, and read to them, and I think it has…

Are you doing this solo or do you have a partner? My experience as a single dad is that I can go entire days without having a single conversation with another adult. My adult friends aren't too interested in hanging out parenting. They are also demanding enough that I'll get zero time to do anything I wish to do while they're awake.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#304

Post by belorn »

untog wrote: post #185
throwaway4378 wrote: post #164

Few days ago I saw something about “Men’s rights” movement and my first reaction was to think of it as parody and laugh it off. But then I looked at few stories and videos and it was eye opening. Many people don’t understand how badly some of the men are being exploited and even driven to suicide. Current laws in Western world are heavily tilted towards perceiving men as guilty party, someone who must always be makin…

IMO there's nothing wrong with Men's Rights as a cause, but if you look at, for example, /r/mensrights on Reddit an absolutely toxic hatred of women pervades the place. It's not healthy. But yes, suicide, custody in divorce etc are issues where men deserve recourse. That said, historically women have been on the receiving end of physical violence from men far, far more often than vice versa and were told to suffer in…

> That said, historically women have been on the receiving end of physical violence from men far, far more often than vice versa

It is funny how statistics works. If we look at questioners, women and men report the same amount of physical violence from partners. If we look at households the rate of police reports for domestic violence is identical regardless of what gender the inhabitants has.

There is no gender difference in who is on the receiving end of physical violence. There is however a gender difference in the method of physical violence. Women mostly use knives and makeshift weapons. Men mostly use their hands. As is, knives and makeshift weapons don't actually do a lot of damage on average when wielded by someone not trained. Fists however almost always causes damages, especially when repeated.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#305

Post by jeffrallen »

I'm happy for her, she seems to know what she wants. I'm grateful my parents prioritised me, and that I've followed the example in my career choices.

Good luck lady, and good luck kids. We all bumble through this life as best we can, hope it's good enough for your family...

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#306

Post by david-gpu »

ido wrote: post #122
bubblewrap wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not my experience (in Germany). Sometimes people (mostly women) assume I am taking a day off for daddy time and give me some sort of mini applause. But that is pretty rare. More notable is perhaps the gender distribution on the playground. I do think it is easier for moms to connect/bond with each other. Like if I plan an excursion and wonder what friends of my kids could join, I find it more difficult to simply ask…

I'm (a father) in Berlin with 2 little kids & I've had the same experience- a lot of dads in the playground (more mums tho) & my involvement with my kids usually goes unremarked. I also know a lot of fathers that took parental leave for months at a time.

I live in Canada and things are just as you described. I'm in awe at what so many other folks are describing in the USA. I wouldn't have expected to see such a difference.

These are our kids, of course we take care of them.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#307

Post by drtillberg »

alanbernstein wrote: post #222
drtillberg wrote: post #158

> I had picked the [trial] date, not the judge, [to coincide with my kid's seventh birthday] because I knew that the other side wasn’t ready. Delaying even a few days would have meant losing a crucial advantage. I wasn’t going to risk it knowing what was on the line for my client. I would just like to say that picking the most inconvenient time for all counsel involved is one of those tactics you see in the practice…

She doesn't mention the subject of that particular trial, but the previous example makes the stakes of her work clear: overturning wrongful murder convictions to get innocent people out of jail. Missing a birthday seems a worthy tradeoff.

What prosecutor is going to be caught flat-footed on a high stakes trial? None. One of two things happened: the prosecutor pulled a bunch of all-nighters to prepare ... or else ... was just going through the motions would not have prepared extensively if given another 40 years to do so.

I get that sometimes we all have to roll out of bed early to serve a client's interest, but I also think it was clearer with the generation of lawyers that started in the 60s and 70s that in the mine run of administrative and scheduling issues, jamming attorneys like this does not generate a substantive advantage and, as one local luminary would have said, 'generates heat, not light.'

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#308

Post by permatech »

lm28469 wrote: post #271
permatech wrote: post #219

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That JP is a regressive pseudo intellectual

It's quite funny because in this 2 comments lies every reasons why JP is successful. From 0 to 100 baseless personal attack, we're not even discussing facts we're discussing how you feel about people. > pseudo intellectual I'm afraid the burden of proof is on you for this one. > regressive He's pretty nuanced in fact, but you have to listen to him other than in the 30 seconds, out of context, videos being regurgitate…

Maybe I don’t take enough of Joe R’s pills to better understand how I, as a white man, am oppressed my today’s society. I’m entitled to my reading of his media appearances just as you’re entitled to your regressive worldview

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#309

Post by permatech »

dang wrote: post #287
permatech wrote: post #120

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And yet so many Chinese continue to come to the US, it’s almost as if this bad ideas actually make a happier society

Please don't take threads further into generic flamewar.

Pointing out that Chinese leave their own country for the west as soon as they have the means to do so is a generic flame?

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#310

Post by kspacewalk »

kspacewalk wrote: post #301
EdwardDiego wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> you need to provide them at least a parent to do that job or else you are neglecting them. When am I neglecting my kids exactly? In the two hours of after school care between school ending and my coming home? You're implying that there's a direct correlation between quantity and quality of parenting, that's a bold claim.

When it comes to panting, an important part of quality is quantity. As much as some people want to think that a day filled to the brim with exciting activities is a substitute for a week of near-absence, it's just not. That's not only my experience, but the experience of many of my friends with parents who greatly prioritized their career over spending time with them.

Well I certainly didn't mean "panting"... My bad.
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