How to talk to anyone and why you should • Hacker News Board

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#281

Post by herruty » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:43 AM UTC

socalgal2 wrote: post #172

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

An old guy sat at the table next to mine at an outdoor cafe. I don't remember what I said to start the conversation but he told me he'd lived in Japan for 3yrs in the 50s, married a Japanese woman, they moved to Redondo Beach and she convinced him to buy a house more than they could afford. He said it was the best decision of their lives. He then said she'd past away a few years ago and they had no kids. I ask him wh…

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#282

Post by haritha-j » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:44 AM UTC

danielodievich wrote: post #10

My recently deceased mother had a talent for talking to anyone at any time in any language. She's always been incredibly social and could establish connections with strangers very rapidly. One time she brought in a school teacher/sheep farmer from Dagestan selling yarn from his sheep's wool, she met him at the market and bought all yarn and asked if he had somewhere to stay before going back, and he didn't. He stayed…

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was a beautiful person, the kind I aspire to be.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#283

Post by miroljub » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:45 AM UTC

Craighead wrote: post #271

miroljub wrote: post #270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This advice is not for everyone. Obviously this works only if you are an extrovert. Introverts would find this kind of interaction a wasteful use of limited social energy available to them.

This advice is not for everyone. Categorizing yourself in a way that may purposefully stunt your growth and reduce opportunity for growth is a wasteful use of life.

That's something an extrovert would say :)

Strong words. I'd like to understand your choice of words here.

> Categorizing yourself

Also known as knowing yourself, your strengths, and your weaknesses.

> purposefully stunt your growth

A wild assumption that talking to everyone will magically let you grow. Some people just prefer to focus on people that matter to them.

> ... reduce opportunity for growth

By choosing to compete in an area that is your weakness, you already limited your growth potential.

> ... wasteful use of life

So refusing to talk to everyone is a wasteful use of life. Again, I find it more wasteful to talk to anyone instead of people who matter to me. Unless it's fun, of course.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#284

Post by jeffhuys » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:45 AM UTC

lukan wrote: post #280

SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

Don't talk to me though, while I am trying to do focused work ... Or other people who are really busy right now, but in general yes, most people enjoy random interactions and talks. And most people do have interesting things to share. You have to have genuine interest, though. Don't force it - but be open for it. Make eye contact first and then you might connect. It is astonishing how many grim looking people suddenl…

Also talk to you; that’s part of learning how to. It prepares you for rejection of all sorts.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#285

Post by haritha-j » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:45 AM UTC

crazygringo wrote: post #162

parineum wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> She couldn’t understand when I said that would take all the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous. It doesn't have to and I suspect that's why your colleague suggested it. Politicians act that way because that's what people want except they don't want someone who is acting. You have what politicians pretend to have because it makes people like them. You might be…

There are plenty of politicians who get into politics precisely because they love interacting with everyone. It doesn't take the pleasure out of it, it doesn't make it transactional. It just gives them incredible job fulfillment, at least in that part of it. Bill Clinton was famous for this. It was incredibly frustrating to his staff because he was constantly late for his next event, because he always wanted to keep…

Yeah, especially with the interns.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#286

Post by miroljub » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:46 AM UTC

papyrus9244 wrote: post #274

miroljub wrote: post #270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This advice is not for everyone. Obviously this works only if you are an extrovert. Introverts would find this kind of interaction a wasteful use of limited social energy available to them.

I think it absolutely is for everyone, especially for introverts. It's a muscle, go train it. Source: me.

You can train it. You can even be good at it. But if you don't enjoy it, should you really be doing it?

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#287

Post by patates » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:46 AM UTC

papyrus9244 wrote: post #274

miroljub wrote: post #270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This advice is not for everyone. Obviously this works only if you are an extrovert. Introverts would find this kind of interaction a wasteful use of limited social energy available to them.

I think it absolutely is for everyone, especially for introverts. It's a muscle, go train it. Source: me.

I have ADHD with terrible social anxiety, and conventional treatments only help so much.

I know I can eventually beat it, and I'm so happy for you and everyone who beats social anxiety. You are my idols!

That said, I don't like it when someone says "yeah just do it, it's possible". It's not possible to just do it. Yeah only doing the thing is doing the thing and preparing to do it is not doing the thing, I get it. On the other hand, you can also jump off a cliff without checking your parachute, just saying.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#288

Post by haritha-j » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:49 AM UTC

mattlondon wrote: post #47

k__ wrote: post #36

I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are usually weirdos. Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos talk to strangers...

+1 In any major city it's probably 90% chance they're either a crook trying to scam you out of something or mentally not quite right. The remaining 10% will be tourists or people from outside of the major city.

This is sad but not inconsistent with my experience. Though I think 10% is actually the people who genuinely want to have a nice conversation. and I think that worth putting up witrh the rest 90% for.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#289

Post by autoexec » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:49 AM UTC

jeffhuys wrote: post #284

lukan wrote: post #280

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Don't talk to me though, while I am trying to do focused work ... Or other people who are really busy right now, but in general yes, most people enjoy random interactions and talks. And most people do have interesting things to share. You have to have genuine interest, though. Don't force it - but be open for it. Make eye contact first and then you might connect. It is astonishing how many grim looking people suddenl…

Also talk to you; that’s part of learning how to. It prepares you for rejection of all sorts.

I can't recommend being intentionally rude so that you can get practice dealing with people who are pissed off at you. Learning how to tell when it's a bad time to strike up a conversation with a stranger will be a much greater benefit for anyone looking to meet women or even for someone just working on being friendlier/more social. There'll be no shortage of opportunities to learn how to deal with rejection even without being a pest.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#290

Post by abelitoo » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 9:54 AM UTC

calcifer wrote: post #273

rain_iwakura wrote: post #216

Earlier quoted context omitted.

have you had actually negative interactions like that? they sting for years, even after hundreds of mild-to-positive ones. the brain focuses on risk-minimization and not reward-maximization.

"The" brain, or just yours? Mine certainly doesn't obsess over a bad interaction "even after hundreds of mild-to-positive ones."

It depends, which is really funny.

My brain on a Monday in a crap mood driving on the highway: that jerk that just cut me off has ruined my entire day.

My brain on Friday after good sleep and a relaxing morning: heh look at the guy, he's definitely in a hurry. Hope he gets where he's going, back to my jams!

I try to train myself to remember to be Friday brain, but sometimes Monday brain comes out and I'm in a funk that makes me forget I actually have a choice about NOT reacting a specific way. I like to think I'm getting better at consistently not sweating the small stuff and just letting those instances go without giving them an appreciable amount of mental space better suited to relaxing and listening to good music.