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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

281–290 of 304 posts

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#281

Earlier quoted context omitted.

(Before anything: sorry if that nessage comes accross as insensitive, this is not the purpose. More on this at the end) Your situation sounds like the textbook description of depression as caused by "mental distortions" from proponents of CBT. Did your wife consult a CBT practitioner, and did this help? I am in no way trying to say I know the solution to your (past) problems, but CBT is sometimes described in a bit t…

I have recently read through the book, "Feeling Good" by David Burns, which is regarded as one of the better books on CBT. It helped me a lot, in particular in dealing with thoughts something like what the OP's partner apparently had. It has great strategies for first recognizing, and then dealing with such thoughts. They're not "just feel better" ideas, they're specific things to do which help. Highly recommended.

I read it as well, and also listened to his podcast (which is where I learned about "TEAM-CBT", his supposedly highly effective new approach). The concepts and arguments in the book (and podcast) make total sense to me, but the _way_ it is presented is sounds more like snake-oil marketing than science, which is why I am interested in learning about its effectiveness on severe forms of depression from independent sources.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#282
Speaking as a parent with a job and a small kid who has to do childcare, job, housework, cooking, everything while my partner lies in bed playing video games on their phone.... it is phenomenally frustrating.

What really sucks about depression is that it is functionally a very selfish disease from the perspective of the people providing support. The person won't do the bare minimum of their responsibilities, and will only exert effort, creativity, desire, and motivation to ... defend their depression and depressive activities.

My health suffers, my fitness suffers, my stress suffers, my job suffers, my kid suffers.

It's one of those mental "possessions/invasions" like addiction where communicating with a person about their specific problem becomes a strange otherworldly conversation with an isolated part of the brain specifically dedicated to perpetuating and defending that self-destructive cycle of behavior. It's basically like a disassociated alternate personality.

Part of the tendency of human mental conditions to try to inflict themselves upon other people is that I think profoundly deep trauma makes someone lonely, and only the expression of disorders or inflicting the same wound on others alleviates that lonliness in a perverse cycle, which inflicts the same trauma on others.

And thus there are classes of mental illness that I do think can be viewed as "infectious".

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#283
post #251

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can't believe you're trying to justify and normalize that entire list. It literally means you ignore every basic function of your body, and consequently your mind. It's a zombie lifestyle. Exercise isn't a cure-all because reasons and people have no shoes. What!?

They are normal , though. It doesn't mean folks are ignoring everything, it means they are normal. And honestly, I could argue about the abnormality of exercise since our ancestors weren't spending daily time running for the sake of running. The comment about shoes was displaying that folks have different sorts of battles to get these things done - more offering an alternative to the status you gave folks that do the…

I'm assuming we're referring to the parent comment which lists a combination of these behaviors, as well as doing each into the extremes.

Barely sleeping and only eating junkfood. Spending time only on games.

Surely you understand that exercise is an invention to compensate for our passive lifestyles that require far less physical activity? Does this really have to be explained?

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#284

Something I’m curious about is how folks handle depression and its impacts with their employers/bosses. For context I am generally a high performer who is now on my second bout of below standard performance since the pandemic. A few thoughts I have: * I am getting help (again), it didn’t feel like the last therapist I had understood or empathized how this was affecting my work performance so trying elsewhere * I beli…

The big rule on this is that you should not out-and-out lie about your condition, but that doesn't mean you need to explain things. Like I've taken days off and explained to my boss that I have a personal medical condition that needs taking care of. This is usually fine for an occasional absence or down day.

For complex situations where your boss may want to know what's going on so that he can plan critical activities, there's not a simple answer.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

This is such a block-headed view and I hope no one reading will actually take it to heart. Mens emotions and mental health are just as valid as a woman’s. Absolutely hypocritical and dangerous viewpoint to hold.

"Mens emotions and mental health are just as valid as a woman’s."

No, they're not. I mean I agree that they are just as valid, but society thinks otherwise, so practically speaking, they're not.

Note that I'm willingly going to generalize and exaggerate as there's no other way to get to a point.

Many men grow up in an emotional desert and are soon taught that expressing emotion is a sign of weakness. The boys don't cry narrative is very much alive. Parents may instill this toughness in you out of love, as they know what lies ahead. Emotional men don't stand a chance.

In work, men are judged by performance, with no tolerance for failure. A man that can't make it on their own is a failure. Women can fail and have a support network, men do not. That's why the bottom consists of almost only men.

And here we haven't even considered the reality in the developing world, where men can't afford to call in sick for mental illness.

In relationships, men are selected for utility. Nobody wants to hear that, but you can't deny the biology. You need to be healthy/strong, economically sound and reliable, and of course easy on the eyes. Women wanting emotional men only want them when all other conditions are met. Nobody wants an emotional man that is "in between jobs". Further, relationships are emotionally dominated by women. Which is not a complaint, rather an observation.

The reason why for even the toughest of men their mother is holy, is because it's their only source of genuine love. The only place where they are not judged by utility. Love for love's sake.

In media, say sitcoms, men are always portrayed as the neglectful primitive idiot, emotionless. Alternatively as aggressor. On social media, men are made responsible for any and all horror in the world.

Men are criminally under-complimented. They are absolutely shocked when somebody says something nice about them, as nobody ever does, no matter their efforts. There's even Youtube series featuring random acts of kindness towards men, bringing the men to tears. You can tell it's been decades since somebody did anything nice to them. And they are common men.

So, I conclude that men's emotions are worthless. Men know this, they have lived it. To add insult to injury, once should of course curse men for being so poor in expressing emotions, not taking any of the above into account.

The best response to my rant would be to say "oh gee....poor men. boohoohoo". That would only double down on the issue though, which is to completely disregard male mental well-being, to make fun of it.

Note that I'm not attacking your point of view, I agree that the above is dangerous. But it's also the reality of things on the ground, and not changing.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#286

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to l…

I just remembered an Onion post from a long ago that speaks to what I'm saying. People can and should do something even if the depressed person says to go away and leave them alone. Nobody wants to be rude or be a bother, but sometimes it's an emergency situation and people should give themselves permission to act.

Parents Of Suicide Victim Saw It Coming A Mile Away

https://www.theonion.com/parents-of-suicide-victim-saw-it-co...

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#287
post #163

This is so fucking desperate. This whole thing is so fucking fucked up. Somebody I love has been in depression for almost a year. I tried everything, including this suggested "stay with them in the dark until they are better, oh wait that time could never come, but you do stay there with them nevertheless". Thanks for the "advice". That's what I've been doing. It's draining and it's killing me. Burning out through su…

I couldn't agree more, the article is hopelessly naive and assumes that the partner simply has an unlimited amount of (mental) energy and patience to try and handle somebody with a mental illness. And worse, you're not "allowed" to actually help, you should leave them in the dark and absorb their negativity.

The fact that this negativity reflects on yourself seems to be of no interest to the author.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#288

These articles have the tendency to just switch one narrative for another. We have one team who say "Depression does not really exist, it's a combination of laziness, time will simply heal, you need to summon some efforts and get over it. And then we have another team of : "You need to listen, be empathetic, depression is real, it can be devastating, don't try to solve problems, just be patient and listen." All in al…

Depression does exist, there is no question here. We should be empathatic to everyone, not conditional of having or not having depression. The lack of general empathy humans have towards one another is a leading cause of depression - such as people being anti-women, anti-gay, anti-trans, racist, classist or politically biased in such a way that they seek out the thrill of having their "happiness" be at the cost of ot…

"The lack of general empathy humans have towards one another is a leading cause of depression - such as people being anti-women, anti-gay, anti-trans, racist, classist or politically biased in such a way that they seek out the thrill of having their "happiness" be at the cost of others."

You're just making things up and politicizing a well studied subject. The leading causes of depression are brain chemistry, family history, physical health issues, substance abuse and personality.

Followed by less tangible causes like job loss, divorce, grieving, etc. Then there's hormonal changes as experienced by women that gave birth and finally, loneliness.

Nothing about what you said is a leading cause at all. For sure those issues do not help, but they are in no way a leading cause.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#289

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So was she diagnosed with depression or what? Main part is missing from the anecdote.

A major point is that a diagnosis is often missing from the anecdote because there is not one. The main part is the depression.

Without a diagnosis, it wouldn't be clear that such irritability and being confrontational/angry is the result of depression and not something else.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#290
post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for sharing. That takes a lot of courage, and it is very helpful to hear a story like this with a positive outcome.

> helpful to hear a story like this with a positive outcome That's why I shared, because it's important for family and sufferers know that people do recover. I don't share under my real name, although I would like to, because some people are really frightened and prejudiced against bipolar people. Maybe from a bad experience. Not all bipolars get psychotic and think they're Jesus who can fly.

> Not all bipolars get psychotic and think they're Jesus who can fly.

Every once in a while a local paper somewhere runs an article about someone running down the street naked claiming they were Jesus. Dollars to doughnuts it's an undiagnosed bipolar patient having a psychotic episode. The flying is probably from Reefer Madness, I believe, but you were undoubtedly speaking in hyperbole to sarcastically feign sympathy for some idiot for irrationally fearing a bipolar patient like they were equivalent to the absurdly exaggerated pot-crazed teenager diving through a window to their death because they were so stoned they believed they were a chicken and could fly.

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