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I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#261

Post by physicles »

rconti wrote: post #187
littlecranky67 wrote: post #31

Working remotely taught me a similar lesson as the author. The most important part that I think people get wrong in general is that online friends, or your good friends from uni or your childhood youth that you only see in person once or twice a year, can't replace an active local friends group - or community as he calls it. Cutting the daily interactions with other humans by no longer going to an office every day ma…

Yeah, I've been WFH since the pandemic and my team is remote anyway, so even going to the office doesn't help (much). I'm exploring in-office jobs for 2026.

I like my remote job and don’t want to leave, but I also can’t work at home because I get depressed and my productivity drops to zero.

Wework and other coworking spaces have mostly been a disappointment as a way to find community, with just two exceptions over the years (one of which was killed by covid).

I’m still searching.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#262

Post by bragh »

WolfeReader wrote: post #248
bragh wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> For example, studies have shown that men who decide to isolate themselves to be "family men" die earlier at age 58. Yes, but isn't it a benefit to society as a whole though? All the prime working years are gone by then and there is no need to pay pension to those men or for expensive medical treatments. And younger generations can be happy for there being one less cishet white male boomer in the world. I mean, it s…

People dying at below the average life expectancy is not a benefit to society. This idea that people you don't like should die for the "benefit" of society has been tried before. It doesn't end well.

Eventually it doesn't end well indeed. But modern society has made it pretty clear that older men aren't actually needed and are more of a burden. Just look at how triggered the GP of the thread got just about a mention that men might want a different approach when it comes to social stuff.

Well, not needed, unless an actual shooting war breaks out and you need a lot more people pulling guard duty or just some very high-risk stuff younger men should not be wasted on. Like that Ukrainian unit of pensioner men in a ground-attack missile unit who source their own missiles by repairing unexploded ones.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#263

Post by physicles »

6thbit wrote: post #91

I came to the same conclusions as the author. Then I tried something like this and failed to get people interested. It’s draining for me to reach out to try and convince people, not sure if the social anxiety or the lack of executive functioning. Any tips for someone that understands and wants community but struggles with the building process?

I had the same problem, and solved it this way:

Find a close friend for whom reaching out and convincing people is not draining, and partner with them. They do the reaching out, you take care of the logistics.

The framework that helped me understand what was going on with this is Working Genius. Reaching out falls under what they call Galvanizing, which is draining for me, but my friend is super good at it.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#264

Post by technothrasher »

socalgal2 wrote: post #242
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

This is awesome and I wish I had the courage to do it. My experience is, in the USA, eventually nearly every meetup is ruined by politics. Eventually someone says something unintentionally trigging someone else and then off it goes.

I haven't had that experience too often here in New England. Though I'm typically involved with specific hobby based groups. Usually politics are avoided and if someone insists they are basically politely ignored.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#265

Post by legerdemain »

This suggestion is common to the point of banality, but it really does benefit hugely from having "a mailing list of several dozen friends and acquaintances" to bootstrap it.

I've been trying something very similar to the author's approach for three years now: a casual tech meetup. My results are way worse despite putting hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars into the endeavor.

The people you attract might themselves have no local friends. That's why they're showing up to your meetup! But it also means that they won't help to expand it.

The people you attract might not be alcohol-drinkers. A lot of people who suggest organizing casual meetups usually have a pub in mind as the venue. Bringing 12-15 people to a restaurant takes a lot more planning. Getting 12-15 people to agree on a restaurant that meets their diet and budget needs is, well...

You might attract people who are much younger or much older than you. The average author of this kind of article is 36. Do they like the company of people who are within ±20 years of age from them? And do those people like each other's company?

Long story short, you might end up like me, having invested years of your life and a surprising amount of money, to make 3 casual acquaintances who you're sort-of-but-not-super-friendly with.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#266

Post by seb1204 »

treis wrote: post #201
nunez wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It definitely can be a chore. I organized a large (600+-person at its peak) Meetup in Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY during Meetup's hayday (2010-ish). Meeting heaps of different people from all walks of life was interesting at first. But like a previous poster stated, connections like these are fleeting and take a lot of work to maintain (especially if you're a man, which I am; see the end of this post for more on that).…

>Everyone ALSO loves talking about themselves I see this a lot and it's interesting because I don't like to talk about myself much. Doubly so about work. I wonder how many of us there are.

What do you like to talk about? I'm passionate about my work and happy to discuss topics but not too keen to explain it to someone who has nill knowledge of the subject or industry.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#267

Post by mmooss »

ProllyInfamous wrote: post #260
mmooss wrote: post #257

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> This is generally known to be true for men. I haven't heard it before. > We have a much harder time connecting socially without some sort of shared activity or action. You might have a harder time doing that; other men have different experiences. The average man has brown eyes and is 1.72m tall; does that mean your eyes and height are that way? It's certainly an error to take statistical generalizations and apply t…

Chill, dawg. >I haven't heard it before. You learned something, today.

Do you have something to say about the issues? Don't worry about me, thanks anyway.

Edit: As far as learning something, the GGP's citations were nonsense, as I pointed out. What has anyone offered, other than a demonstration of the fundamentals of misapplying statistics.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#268

Post by [deleted] »

kelnos wrote: post #229
1shooner wrote: post #120

>I sent the details to friends and acquaintances who appeared in my notifications, or to mutuals who appeared on my timeline. But anyway, to my relief, on the night itself, a whole bunch of people actually turned up. If the author was able to pull 'a bunch of people' to birthday drinks with nothing but an invitation, this story is more about underestimating his social capital rather than creating new capital.

Not sure I agree with that. I think there are a lot of people (especially in the mid-2023 time frame the author is talking about) who want to get out more and want to engage more meaningfully with others. But they don't really know how, and don't know how to create opportunities to do so. They might not accept any random invitation to absolutely anything, but a punchy event description about bringing people together…

[deleted]

Re: I rebooted my social life

#269

Post by znpy »

ivm wrote: post #58
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

Volunteering in smaller orgs is also a great option because it naturally filters for people who actually want to do something good around them, and the way you work together leaves more space for communication than a lot of group-but-actually-solitary hobbies out there. A few years ago I joined my rural neighborhood council, and I’d never been around so many people consistently being generous with their time and ener…

Maybe it's been "just" my bad experiences, but in volunteering i've always seen some social "power" dynamics that I don't really like.

Some person somehow gets to be the leader and bosses people around. Those people aren't always the brightest or the most compassionate. They often are pushy, they are somewhat totalitarian, they really don't like their ways to be questioned. Sometimes (not always) they are the most dedicated but only because they made volunteering their identity or their main source of self-esteem (this can either happen because they don't have anything else going on in their life OR because what goes on in their life do not satisfy them).

They are often "open to new people, ideas and contribution" only as long as anything new is very well aligned with their (personal) line of thinking and/or does not question their "authority" in any way.

Either way, I've seen that happen too many times to take volunteering any seriously.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#270

Post by mmooss »

bragh wrote: post #262
WolfeReader wrote: post #248

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People dying at below the average life expectancy is not a benefit to society. This idea that people you don't like should die for the "benefit" of society has been tried before. It doesn't end well.

Eventually it doesn't end well indeed. But modern society has made it pretty clear that older men aren't actually needed and are more of a burden. Just look at how triggered the GP of the thread got just about a mention that men might want a different approach when it comes to social stuff. Well, not needed, unless an actual shooting war breaks out and you need a lot more people pulling guard duty or just some very h…

> modern society has made it pretty clear that older men aren't actually needed and are more of a burden

The mistake - which leads to disaster - is more fundamental. Modern society isn't an actual thing with needs, just an abstract concept. Individual people are real, and we all have real rights and needs. 'Goverments exist to protect rights' - society exists to serve the individual, not vice versa. Almost all morality includes protecting and helping the vulnerable.

Who decides who is a burden? Infants and children are also a 'burden' as are people with all sorts of illnesses (and people spreading disinformation). Only the cruelest fascists have suggested they should die to help society, as if that's a reasonable discussion.

> Just look at how triggered the GP

Ad hominem is against HN guidelines. Just stick to the issues instead of trying to change the subject by attacking and characterizing people who don't agree with you.

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