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I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#221

Post by Rodeoclash »

randycupertino wrote: post #212
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

Do you have any Hong Kong recommendations you can share? I am going there for two weeks in September and just starting to research. Very excited!

I'm a great lover of going to places with no real plan and just wandering the streets finding stuff. Hong Kong is a great city for this. Have a general plan, e.g. visit the memorial to the walled city, but get distracted along the way.

Also watch Ghost in the Shell which is vaguely set in Hong Kong then feel the vibe when you're there.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#222

Post by bragh »

j45 wrote: post #165
mmooss wrote: post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

[flagged]

Why does anyone need to be defensive about what someone has found for them? For example, studies have shown that men who decide to isolate themselves to be "family men" die earlier at age 58. It might not need to be a pub, but having a club house to do pretty much anything is enormously beneficial to the human brain to have positive social interaction. We get to decide our own social interaction. The world is not res…

> For example, studies have shown that men who decide to isolate themselves to be "family men" die earlier at age 58.

Yes, but isn't it a benefit to society as a whole though? All the prime working years are gone by then and there is no need to pay pension to those men or for expensive medical treatments. And younger generations can be happy for there being one less cishet white male boomer in the world.

I mean, it sure sucks for the individual not being able to enjoy their retirement, but for the society it seems that it will be a benefit.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#223

Post by nuancebydefault »

iamnothere wrote: post #166
basisword wrote: post #153

Earlier quoted context omitted.

None of these are bad things.They're all great. But rejecting socialising with other humans due to a negative experience with some is the opposite of the enlightenment that can be found through meditation. If you only read about things rather than experience them you can't really know them. If you only travel alone you miss out on the joy of travelling and discovering with others. You can do both.

You seem to misunderstand. I don’t reject socializing because of a few negative experiences, I just don’t get any significant positive feelings anymore from the majority of my social interactions, after many attempts, and especially when compared with interactions from long ago. It isn’t just other people, I have changed too. Even interactions that “go well” just don’t provide anything of value. What’s more, I don’t…

This conversation is interesting, as well as it is socializing. You understand where i am getting at?

Re: I rebooted my social life

#224

Post by xorcist »

izend wrote: post #65
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

I have had this discussion with my wife, men need activities more than women to bond. My wife can make friends just by randomly running into other women at events or my daughter's activities.

> men need activities more than women to bond

Frankly, I don't know why more women doesn't center their social life around activities.

It's an excellent idea. Seriously, what's not to like?

Re: I rebooted my social life

#225

Post by Bratmon »

6thbit wrote: post #91

I came to the same conclusions as the author. Then I tried something like this and failed to get people interested. It’s draining for me to reach out to try and convince people, not sure if the social anxiety or the lack of executive functioning. Any tips for someone that understands and wants community but struggles with the building process?

Same as all socialization: If you're attractive, you'll succeed no matter what you try or how you try it (You do still have to try, but that's the only requirement).

If you're unattractive, you'll fail no matter what you try or how you try it.

There's a reason why success stories in this area never talk about the author being required to or benefiting from evolving their tactics.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#226

Post by yieldcrv »

alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

Everyone I know in LA that beat the social stagnation had started their own event

Many people also just put you on a text messaging list when you exchange numbers. They only tell you the number to their list, but they are capable of responding individually from it

When they go somewhere, they tell the list, if you come you come, if you don't, nobody's missing you. No obligation, reply STOP to end. Otherwise you can bond at the event and meet everyone else too

Re: I rebooted my social life

#227

Post by m101 »

On a tangent to the article- I quit my career just over two years ago now: same age as author, live in London too. The hardest thing about not working is the social life that work gives you. Whilst we may think that work is for money, it is also for 1) filling our time, and 2) spending time with people. Yes, some people are definitely a net-negative interaction, but most people are actually positive to one’s day, but in one of those “you need to not work for a year to know it” way.

Amongst other reflections I have:

1) a pay-check does give you a sense of validation. This took some getting through

2) it’s been challenging working out what I will actually end up doing with myself. There were periods where I put more pressure on myself to do so. I still don’t know what will do.

3) the process of doing things because they are fun takes some getting used to when one’s entire life was built around doing something useful to others

4) when one lives off of savings it’s almost easier to spend as it feels like you didn’t suffer for it. Getting depressed at work makes it easier to spend more money outside of work

5) the “number” people need to retire (or not work for extended periods) is probably less than people realise

6) not working in finance (amongst all the moral corruption everywhere) has generally made me happier in part because I can live in a way which is more in-keeping with my values over having constantly breach them for work reasons

7) owning my calendar is a big freedom. I don’t have to ask a boss if I can do something all the time. No need to explain yourself.

8) not constantly having to submit to a boss is huge. One can really grow this way, as constant repression to other people’s whims is soul crushing and shows just how close employment is to slavery (especially in finance with golden handcuffs)

Re: I rebooted my social life

#228

Post by iamnothere »

nuancebydefault wrote: post #223
iamnothere wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You seem to misunderstand. I don’t reject socializing because of a few negative experiences, I just don’t get any significant positive feelings anymore from the majority of my social interactions, after many attempts, and especially when compared with interactions from long ago. It isn’t just other people, I have changed too. Even interactions that “go well” just don’t provide anything of value. What’s more, I don’t…

This conversation is interesting, as well as it is socializing. You understand where i am getting at?

Yes, and IMHO this kind of conversation is superior to the average IRL conversation. It is asynchronous (allowing you to return to it as you like), it places few demands on your time, and when it’s over then it’s over. You can enter just the interesting part of the conversation and then exit just as quickly. No need to drag it out or pad the ends with filler. No need to explain your departure.

IRL conversation is an art, and few people are even halfway decent at it. Maybe that’s the true source of my complaint. To make an IRL conversation entertaining you need expressiveness, creativity, as well as a good variety of topics and tolerance for differences of opinion. Not many people can check all these boxes.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#229

Post by kelnos »

1shooner wrote: post #120

>I sent the details to friends and acquaintances who appeared in my notifications, or to mutuals who appeared on my timeline. But anyway, to my relief, on the night itself, a whole bunch of people actually turned up. If the author was able to pull 'a bunch of people' to birthday drinks with nothing but an invitation, this story is more about underestimating his social capital rather than creating new capital.

Not sure I agree with that. I think there are a lot of people (especially in the mid-2023 time frame the author is talking about) who want to get out more and want to engage more meaningfully with others. But they don't really know how, and don't know how to create opportunities to do so. They might not accept any random invitation to absolutely anything, but a punchy event description about bringing people together could easily be a solid attractor.

Yes, there are also many (stuck-up and immature, IMO) people who won't even consider attending an event without a look at the guest/RSVP list to see who else will be there. But I don't think that's the majority. If you set up an outing, invite 50 people, but only 10 show up, that's still a pretty great success, I think.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#230

Post by fleeting900 »

> a significant proportion of the people you used to hang out with have kids and disappear off the face of the Earth for two decades.

I’ve been on both sides of this, so I’m going to put this out into the universe:

Your friends with kids still want to see you.

They have a lot to deal with suddenly. They’re exhausted.

But they miss hanging out with you, and will leap at the opportunity to hang out if you take the initiative and make some kid-friendly accommodations.

They may decline more often than before, because the kid is sick or sleeping or not sleeping so the adults just need to lay low. But don’t take that “no” as a “stop asking”.

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