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Women don't(in some cases: don't want) to realise that they can send out misleading signals, which itself would not be an issue if they would clarify their limits when a man does something inappropriate.Sigh. This is nonsense.
Men don't, or don't want to, realize they frequently misinterpret so-called "signals", or don't pay attention to them at all. There's a sad truth that women actually send signals men completely miss, while men actually pick up signals that were never sent.
A woman should never have to expend extra effort to clarify their limits when a man does something inappropriate. An easy way to guarantee this is to constantly be mindful of your actions and never do anything inappropriate.
General rule of thumb as a man: treat physical interactions with women in the workplace the same way you do other men in the workplace--inherently non-sexual. Second rule of thumb: all that sexual conversation you might be used to having with other men--don't do it with women.
It's for this reason that expecting the victim of unwanted behaviors to send subtle signals first is pretty silly. If we're going to suggest anything, let's not go with something subtle and ambiguous that is likely to be misunderstood and misinterpreted by the person who is already behaving inappropriately. Instead, let's opt for expecting something like this:
That's fucking offensive. Don't ever fucking do that again. This is your only warning.
Pretty clear. Straight to the point. Pony up an apology, or admit that you're being a lecherous fuck.
Don't feel comfortable being direct? Go directly to HR.
Don't have HR? Give that "fuck off" directive a go. Worst case outcome? You realize this isn't the place for you and move on.
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> Men might do something physical without any bad intentions and women might interpret them otherwise.
Bullshit. Here are examples of "something physical without any bad intentions" that are pretty impossible for women to misinterpret:
- high fives
- fist bumps
- shaking hands
- a pat/slap on the upper back or shoulders to say good job
- a light punch/slap to the arm in an obviously playful way (probably only best with well-known company that already trusts you)
Oh, and if you actually are paying attention and notice a woman recoil in any way from these types of interactions: make a mental note to not do that again. There's probably something in her past experiences that makes her uncomfortable with this, and it really doesn't put you out at all to remain mindful of that as you interact with her in the workplace.
Here are examples of "something physical" that cannot hide behind "no bad intentions":
- touching a woman anywhere, in any way, not covered above
- kissing a woman anywhere, in any way
- asking a woman to sit on your lap
- positioning yourself in such a way next to a woman that you intentionally make physical contact of an intimate sort
Why? Because women can fucking tell when you're making an advance. And men cannot hide behind a silly schoolboy's defense of "mixed signals".
After almost 35 years of life as a heterosexual man who doesn't have much trouble with women, here are a few general rules and suggestions on how to handle interactions with women to ensure you don't ever "misread" signals. I'll give them in a half-assed order of importance.
General rules:
1. Treat every woman with absolute respect as a person, not as a sex object, every time.
2. Don't interpret or estimate your probability-of-fucking.
3. Trust that women don't really ever play "hard to get". Ever.
4. Trust that women will make it very clear when they're inviting you to increase physical intimacy.
5. Understand that just because a woman smiles or is nice/polite/kind/open, doesn't mean she is saying, "I want to fuck you."
6. If in doubt, ask don't act.
General suggestions:
1. Allow a woman to set the tone of physical intimacy. Reply in like kind.
It's really, really, really easy to tell if a woman is physically/sexually/romantically interested in you as an adult. She will typically do more than simply "send signals". If a woman trusts you enough to touch you on the arm, it's probably okay to touch her arm. That doesn't mean it's okay to rub her arm. If she touches you on the leg, it's probably okay to touch her on the leg. But feel free to ask, cos there's no harm in that. She might be doing it subconsciously, and you'll be able to alert her to this without groping her leg and making her feel assaulted. If she's rubbing your arms and legs, that's a pretty unmistakable indication that she's feeling safe, trusting, and probably okay with you returning the same level of physical touch. But that doesn't mean you should grab her breasts and jam your tongue into her mouth.
At the club on the dance floor? Don't walk up and start grinding some woman with your junk. If the lady wants to grind, she'll make the move. And then she might want to go do the same on some other guy. C'est la vie. Why? Because she's often just out to have a good time, not find someone to go home with. If she is looking for someone to go home with, follow the directives above and you'll be certain to never find yourself the perpetrator of a sexual assault or harassing behavior.
2. Just because you like feeling like a piece of meat, doesn't mean she does.
I have experienced, on more than a few occasions, a relatively unknown female coworker telling me I have a nice ass, or some other such physical attribute. Cool. Flattering. My response: laugh it off. I don't turn around and say, "Well, your ass is damn fine, too." Accept the compliment. For whatever reason, some women think it's okay to do that. And they can be the same women who would be offended if you did it to them. Big deal. That's how it is. They know when they're attractive, because every fucking dude in the world tells them so. Don't ever be that guy--unless you're actually in a relationship with her; then, by all means, tell her all the time. Just steer clear of making comments to a woman in the workplace about her appearance. 100% guaranteed success rate there.
3. Physical intimacy doesn't belong in the workplace.
This one's pretty damn easy. Even when I've been in a serious relationship with a coworker, we never brought that into the workplace. There's no need to kiss in the office. Or have my girlfriend sit on my lap. Or touch her in an intimate spot. It's the fucking workplace. Treat it as such. All the more fun when you get home later. It can wait.
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I seriously cannot believe we're still having this conversation in 2016.