Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

backchannel.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

211–220 of 256 posts

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#211

Post by zbruhnke »

I think this person misses a key point here. She does not have a "Cyber Stalker" - She has a Stalker ... No matter the medium of the majority of these incidents if materially affects her life in several ways and more and more as our world blurs from the real world to a digital reality these things are really one in the same and should be treated as such.

I say this not to say that she is wrong but to help raise all of our personal awarenesses and biases to this type of situation.

The term "Cyber Stalker" tends to make it seem less threatening or serious when in reality it can be just as dangerous and possibly even more so to the person on the wrong end of this.

I hope she gets this remedied in the near future, but I also hope she and maybe others reading this will realize how closely that line is walked and how we should start considering it the same crime as our data and our digital footprint becomes more an integral part of our lives.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#212

Post by mpweiher »

maaku wrote: post #208
fpgaminer wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

But if you don't conform to social pressures you are either an "asshole" or a "bitch" depending on your gender. Being an asshole is socially acceptable if you are successful. Being a bitch is not under any circumstances.

Wut? (Some) Successful/attractive women carry their bitchiness as a badge of honour. As in "I am so attractive/successful, I can be as bitchy as I please". Which is why some people are attracted to bitches/assholes.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#213

Post by maaku »

mpweiher wrote: post #212
maaku wrote: post #208

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But if you don't conform to social pressures you are either an "asshole" or a "bitch" depending on your gender. Being an asshole is socially acceptable if you are successful. Being a bitch is not under any circumstances.

Wut? (Some) Successful/attractive women carry their bitchiness as a badge of honour. As in "I am so attractive/successful, I can be as bitchy as I please". Which is why some people are attracted to bitches/assholes.

And people talk derogatorily about her behind her back. But successful assholes? Heaps of praise. (Think: Steve Jobs).

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#214

Post by throwaway39578 »

elbigbad wrote: post #178
throwaway39578 wrote: post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's not about whether she "feels" his behavior constitutes harassment. She has a choice about whether to be contacted by him and she has to tell him in no uncertain terms exactly what she wants. She has to say, "Please don't contact me again. I am not interested in having you in my life in any way. Move on." (not a quote, my suggestion). This is like her quote, >"He handed me the latest Red Hot Chili Peppers CD (Sta…

Nice to create a throwaway so no one connects your misogynistic ranting to your real identity.

The throwaway was at positive karma until your kneejerk misreading, which is the risk that I wanted to avoid. After your comment and changing of the conversation with the ad hominem, it went from +4 or +5 to -8.

Actually, I believe you did not read my comments at all.

I will never post on certain subjects except from a throwaway, regardless of the content of my post. You don't know this, but I wasn't familiar with the given name Roni and as I first read through the article thought that the author was probably male, and the harasser gay, since actually I've had this experience.

Except you know what I did? I actually communicated and I had zero problems afterward with the individual. I suppose if I were female instead of male I should have gone so far as being raped instead of opening my mouth and clearly explaining the situation?

I call you to actually read my comments and then offer a retraction of your own ad-hominem attack of misogyny (because you did not read my comments to begin with).

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#215

Post by mpweiher »

feintruled wrote: post #142
cgriswald wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've found they also have an amazing ability to make excuses for the behaviors of others. I had an ex who got into a lot of sketchy situations because she refused to believe people were exactly who they were telling her they were. Guys would do inappropriate things that clearly bothered her, but she would claim they were "joking" or believe she misunderstood, etc. etc. So she wouldn't set any boundaries, and of cours…

Of course, in moderation making excuses for others (or rather, putting a positive spin on their actions) can lead for an easier and more stress free life. I have been amazed at times when behaviour from others I have considered unremarkable has been interpreted in any entirely different way by someone else. For example, a boss I considered to be trying his best is considered by others as an upper management ass-kisse…

> .. easier and more stress free life

This. So much this. Where a lot of posters here see "downtrodden victim of societal pressures", I see people who like to take the easier route. Speaking up for yourself is hard. For everyone. It's pretty much always easier to let it slide, not rock the boat, appease, downplay etc.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#216

Post by clbrook »

fpgaminer wrote: post #87
shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

This discussion reminds me of a Margaret Atwood quotation:

“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

Perhaps this can shed a new perspective on why women and men may or may not bend to societal pressures differently.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#217

Post by Lawtonfogle »

jahewson wrote: post #111
fpgaminer wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

> I strongly suspect both genders are equally susceptible to being manipulated by societal pressures. Sure but which gender does society place more pressures on?

Which gender gets killed most often at work because of a social pressure that your value is determined by having a job, so if the only job options are dangerous, you best take one anyways?

Unless we can get a well defined and agreed upon definition of 'more social pressed' and a way to measure such, we could spend all day running in circles on this issue.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#218

Post by Lawtonfogle »

dracht wrote: post #121
varjag wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How many men end up kept in bunkers against their will by women?

How many women can physically dominate an average man?

Do we count the men she can get help using social leverage? One only needs to watch the videos of domestic violence experiments where they swap genders. The reactions show that while men might be able to win if they were isolated on an island, the total power within society is not in the man's favor. Unless you are in a culture which tolerates DV regardless of gender, in which case men do have it better.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#219

Post by jsmthrowaway »

TACIXAT wrote: post #170
btilly wrote: post #93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh, she got specific advice about restraining orders. The specific advice was, "The point at which a stalker is likely to flip out is the point where it becomes obvious to the stalker that the attention is unwanted and the relationship can never work. There is a real possibility that the act of taking out a restraining order will trigger a murder-suicide." When you're dealing with insane people, you can't expect a sa…

Wow, what horrible advice. It might escalate if you get a restraining order? Yea, no shit, but then they can also go to jail. If someone is harassing you, silence is not the solution. A bully might beat you up if you tell someone what they are doing, but it will more likely get you the help you need. Maybe not for your specific situation but that is really bad advice for victims. Speak up, take action.

I'm suspicious of the whole thing based on that advice. It's basically victim blaming, and I have a really hard time imagining an FBI agent saying "avoid restraining orders because your stalker will probably kill you and get dogs because lol you are just fucked." That's a very shitty tone to take and is practically masturbating atop a victim's fear. Regardless of opinion on LE, I can't imagine someone who made it to the FBI even holding an opinion like that. Someone in Arpaio's MCSO maybe.

Something smells with that entire story. If I had to guess, it has something to do with us hearing it thirdhand because we are very clearly relying on the interpretation of at least two people, and it's also conveniently tied in to the overall narrative of LE being completely useless. Also weird that those parts are okay to discuss publicly but the rest isn't. It's not worth me continuing to call it out, though, so I'm just letting it go.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#220

Post by Lawtonfogle »

openasocket wrote: post #166
facepalm wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can't people be put into a psychiatric ward at some point?

You can only be committed against your will if a mental health professional determines you to be an active risk to yourself or others. The key point there is that you have to be evaluated by a mental health professional: and it's not like there are psychologists roaming the streets evaluating strangers. There are only a couple of scenarios that can result in being evaluated: voluntarily (i.e. seeing a therapist) or b…

>voluntarily (i.e. seeing a therapist) or by some sort of court mandate (if a person accused of a crime displays signs of mental illness

So what you are saying is that if I voluntarily seek a therapist, I could end up committed, but if I don't, then I have to have done something bad enough for me to be in front of the judge first. And people wonder why we have such issues with our mental health care system.

(Not that I've done anything that would get me committed, but say I was feeling depressed or something... why would I risk it?)

Post reply on HN