Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

nate.leaflet.pub

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

201–210 of 390 posts

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#201

Post by hackable_sand »

SkyeCA wrote: post #184
justonceokay wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can blame million years of evolution for your bad life or you can change it right now living in the present moment. It’s fine if you don’t do it right now because later at a future present moment you can still make the choice to be happy. It might take some work but it will never be because of something that happened in the past. It will be something that you do right now. There are no exceptions or escape hatche…

These cliches are just annoying to read at this point, everyone has heard this stuff a million times and yet...millions still suffer. If I'm being honest it just comes across as yet another form of bullying when socially well adjusted people say stuff like this to people worse off than them.

What they are saying is true. It just might take a lot of work to get the ball moving.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#202

Post by [deleted] »

poemxo wrote: post #194

I am guessing the author is either criticizing people who are anti-social (in the pop culture definition) or believes he was before and after some thinking arrived at the conclusion that antisociety was not the way. But I don't feel it describes my internal motivations, so I've translated them to my behaviors: - if someone is confusing or upsetting you, assume it is your fault - interpret others' actions in the conte…

[deleted]

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#203

Post by embii »

poemxo wrote: post #194

I am guessing the author is either criticizing people who are anti-social (in the pop culture definition) or believes he was before and after some thinking arrived at the conclusion that antisociety was not the way. But I don't feel it describes my internal motivations, so I've translated them to my behaviors: - if someone is confusing or upsetting you, assume it is your fault - interpret others' actions in the conte…

This is closer to my internal thoughts as well, though I would say these thoughts fall more into "avoidant" than "antisocial".

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#204

Post by justonceokay »

bsoles wrote: post #198
justonceokay wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If any one single interaction makes you have such a response, that might be a reason to see someone. I wish for everyone to be able to move through the social world with grace and ease. Put less kindly: there’s nothing so special about you that being yourself around a new person should cause such a panic. Even if they take an instant dislike to you, that should be something you can take in stride

My favorite Jane Austen quote on this subject: Perhaps,' said Darcy, 'I should have judged better, had I sought an introduction, but I am ill qualified to recommend myself to strangers.' 'Shall we ask your cousin the reason of this?' said Elizabeth, still addressing Colonel Fitzwilliam. 'Shall we ask him why a man of sense and education, and who has lived in the world, is ill qualified to recommend himself to strange…

As a self identified autistic person, I regularly think of spooky situations as “socialization”. I went to a wedding where I only knew five people. Goddamn did I have some bad conversation. But I also made one new friend, and that’s cool! When I fuck up it’s just a chance for me to learn why I fucked up and how to be better in the future. And not everyone has to like me. I only really enjoy about 10% of others, why should I expect a greater return?

It seems like most people in this thread are more like Mr. Darcy, just assuming that they are destined to be bad at something that they’ve never practiced

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#205

Post by dogleash »

hackable_sand wrote: post #201
SkyeCA wrote: post #184

Earlier quoted context omitted.

These cliches are just annoying to read at this point, everyone has heard this stuff a million times and yet...millions still suffer. If I'm being honest it just comes across as yet another form of bullying when socially well adjusted people say stuff like this to people worse off than them.

What they are saying is true. It just might take a lot of work to get the ball moving.

I can agree with you while still agreeing with parent poster that it's basically "git gud"-tier bullying.

Very very few orators can successfully pull off "just fix your problems bro" as anything beyond a generic kick in the pants for the people presently predispositioned to be motivated by one.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#206

Post by Aurornis »

bsoles wrote: post #195
gensym wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Honestly, it sounds to me like the CTO, not you, is the one who should be embarrassed by memories of that experience. Unless being a polished speaker under high pressure situations was a requirement for the job, the CTO, as leader, should have had the skill to make you more comfortable expressing your knowledge and skills. I have memories of experiences freezing up and losing the physical control required to speak as…

One of my worst experiences as a junior member of our interview team was when a candidate was "walked out" when the hiring manager decided that the person was not going to work out. I still feel embarrassed about it myself. What a terrible experience for the interviewee.

There's a right and wrong to do this.

Some of my worst interview memories are from a company where the VP leading hiring had ideas that candidates needed to be made to feel as comfortable and positive as possible and treated equally, including giving them the same interview length after they got past the screener.

The screener mostly filtered out unqualified candidates, but when someone slipped through and then was obviously not going to make it through the interview we all had to pretend that they were doing a great job and keep pushing through anyway. There was lots of fake encouragement that most candidates could see right through. Really painful for everyone to have to sit through interview sessions when everyone in the room, including the candidate, knows it's not going to work out.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#207

Post by bena »

mapontosevenths wrote: post #69
hackingonempty wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Nobody likes to be told they're wrong I like to be told I'm wrong. While it is true that I am a nobody it means I'm about to learn something.

> I like to be told I'm wrong. I believe you, but in my own experience I've met more people who say this than who mean this. Usually it's situational. People might genuinely like to be wrong when the novelty is fun or useful, for example in lab work or in low stakes classwork. However, they despise it with politics, their job, or anything else that might have actual consequences in their lives.

A lot of people believe this about themselves, but yes, like you suspect, they don't mean it when it counts.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#208

Post by nnowack »

author here: lmao how this got on hn i don't know

i wrote this bulleted list in a couple minutes as a way to rant about the lack of charity i was noticing in 2 places

- my family, where 2 members aren't speaking to each other for petty reasons, looking for the other to capitulate and admit they're the aggressor - on bluesky, where users are blaming every outage on ai

if you took extra meaning from it, i'm sorry or congrats!

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#209

Post by ecshafer »

ge96 wrote: post #179
reedf1 wrote: post #172

Earlier quoted context omitted.

hey not to give unsolicited advice but to share my experience - it took me a long time to realize that I'm not anti-social, but just anti-party and anti-work social. I flourish in most other spaces - especially hobby spaces.

yeah the thing is I'm good talking to dudes, like cars this guy shows me his Porsche/I sit in it, has laser jammers built in, crazy. Like yeah when you're both into something you just connect my problem with women is I only interact with them when I'm physically interested in them otherwise I leave them alone so yeah I'm on edge like "I gotta land her" kind of thing, which I'm not saying is good, as proof of this I h…

Talking to random people about anything, and talking to girls, and talking to girls romantically are all separate skills from talking to someone about an interest. I am going to assume you're a smart, educated guy with niche interests. So even if someone comes up and talks about something you don't know much about, maybe Biology for example (no clue if this is true), you are probably able to fill in the blanks, find a common interest, connect it with something you've re ad before or whatever. The real difficulty is when you then are talking to people without technical interests or such, do you fake talking about sports? Or whatever.

With girls, be up front, direct, don't shy away. Honestly a lot of the old PUA strategies work really well if you look at it like a skill you're building.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#210

Post by nnowack »

xg15 wrote: post #187

Drama! It's an interesting list, and yeah, I'd say most are common sense and well put. But I'm still a bit very of those "negative lists". (I actually just found a webcomic which tries a similar approach - gives their characters intentionally the worst possible ways of interaction, with the "quest" of the story essentially being if they manage to grow and learn the right ones.) But in both, its easy to employ "persua…

its very interesting to see the meaning folks have projected onto this haha

i wrote this bulleted list in a couple minutes as a way to rant about the lack of charity i was noticing in 2 places

- my family, where 2 members aren't speaking to each other for petty reasons, looking for the other to capitulate and admit they're the aggressor

- on bluesky, where users are blaming every outage on "vibe coding"

Post reply on HN