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How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

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Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#61

Post by yetihehe »

arowthway wrote: post #51
justonceokay wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If any one single interaction makes you have such a response, that might be a reason to see someone. I wish for everyone to be able to move through the social world with grace and ease. Put less kindly: there’s nothing so special about you that being yourself around a new person should cause such a panic. Even if they take an instant dislike to you, that should be something you can take in stride

What does "being yourself" even mean? Obviously not "acting the exact same way you act when alone", since this would be impossible/weird/rude/illegal but also not "acting intuitively without overthinking", since the socially anxious person's intuition is to run away.

That phrase is simply inaccurate. Your "self" needs to care less about opinions of others, and it should not be scared of making mistakes. "Be yourself" is typically parsed as "do not try to be someone other, do not try to be like movie actor".

> not "acting intuitively without overthinking", since the socially anxious person's intuition is to run away.

Yes, it is exactly that, but instead of focusing on "acting intuitively", focus on that "without overthinking". Overthinking is the problem to be solved. "thinking just enough" is the optimal target.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#62

Post by perching_aix »

The anti-social behaviors I'm seeing are a lot more primitive (engagement and reaction bait, and other "simulated conduct" as I like to call it), and the people engaging in them don't really need a guide. Sarcastic rants like this always strike me as somewhere between tonedeaf and insulting as a result. You know it perfectly well that it's those who should be minding these the most are the ones that never will (and won't even be reading this).

That said, if I may be so hypocritical to add to the list, the heavy reliance on pointing out fallacies is a pretty big one. A lot of the times it simply degenerates conversations into logical golf, with no semblance of trying to actually understand the other person remaining. Though in those cases, that intent was usually never really present to begin with.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#65

Post by doginasuit »

I think the most valuable thing here is to not jump to a negative assumption about people, something I wish it followed more closely in its other points. Virtually anyone who has a very different perspective than the group will face friction, and handling that friction gracefully isn't something that comes naturally to most people. People can get stuck in a pattern of handling the friction poorly, but the group as a whole also has the opportunity for grace and understanding that can diffuse the problem, if that is something that is valuable to them.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#66

Post by [deleted] »

sublinear wrote: post #4

This list is actually just narcissism combined with low self-esteem. For younger introverts, none of this behavior is necessarily anti-social if the group all shares these same traits. The moment a member of that group has any higher self-esteem than the rest, they will either see that individual as "cool" or as a threat (or both). To be truly anti-social is to either completely isolate yourself, or be unrelentingly…

[deleted]

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#67

Post by zetanor »

online sociability protip: writing in all lowercase outside of instant messaging comes across (to me) as weirdly manipulative, status seeking behavior. you want people to read your stuff and to come to some form of conclusion—you wouldn't be writing, editing and posting text otherwise—but you feel you have to put your ideas and your vulnerability behind a moat of detached, nonchalant aesthetics

nothing personnel, kid

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#68

Post by reactordev »

gib444 wrote: post #36
reactordev wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As someone who identifies as autistic, I learned to smile and just listen. I’ll ask questions and try and put my little anecdotes in but for the most part I just let other people talk. Works reasonably well. I usually run afoul when the situation is serious and I show up with my smile.

But smile in the /correct/ way, else you'll be judged for smiling weirdly. Sigh

Smile like you just saw a puppy, you’ll be fine.

Re: How to be anti-social – a guide to incoherent and isolating social experiences

#69

Post by mapontosevenths »

hackingonempty wrote: post #30
mapontosevenths wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One heuristic for spotting when you might be wrong is that you hold a very uncommon belief. It COULD be that you are correct and the world is crazy, but its far more likely that you are the one who is missing something. It's always worth stopping to double check when this happens. Perhaps more importantly, if you do happen to be right when everyone else is wrong its important to determine your goals. Is it more impor…

> Nobody likes to be told they're wrong I like to be told I'm wrong. While it is true that I am a nobody it means I'm about to learn something.

> I like to be told I'm wrong.

I believe you, but in my own experience I've met more people who say this than who mean this.

Usually it's situational. People might genuinely like to be wrong when the novelty is fun or useful, for example in lab work or in low stakes classwork. However, they despise it with politics, their job, or anything else that might have actual consequences in their lives.

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