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I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

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Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#201

Post by dragonwriter »

jahewson wrote: post #111
fpgaminer wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

> I strongly suspect both genders are equally susceptible to being manipulated by societal pressures. Sure but which gender does society place more pressures on?

> Sure but which gender does society place more pressures on?

I'm not sure that there is a good, unambiguous, and meaningful way of doing a unidimensional quantification of that to make that comparison. Its probably better to recognize that each gender has different socially-imposed expectations, that create problems in different situations and present different opportunities for conflicts with between internal preferences and drives and external expectations.

You can then meaningfully discuss differences (including "which gender is more affected") between pressures in particular contexts, such as pressures to accommodate social advances in situations that compromise personal safety, without getting into a competition on the vague issue of "which gender is exposed to more social pressures" in some murky overall sense.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#202

Post by pg_is_a_butt »

shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

YOU'RE A SEXIST BITCH.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#203

Post by dwild »

Jean-Philipe wrote: post #150
fpgaminer wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

> Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. Here we go again. Somebody pointing out gender bias is blamed for being sexist.

It's not because you are pointing out gender bias that you doesn't say sexist things.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#204

Post by hollander »

scotty79 wrote: post #145
nowarninglabel wrote: post #3

"When I got a Facebook account in 2006 he found me again and, not wanting to be rude, I accepted his friend request." It's hard to understand why, having previously already blocked this person elsewhere, they would accept a friend request from them. I suppose now, 10 years later, one can hope that people exact greater control over their online social networks.

Firstly I'd like to state that there's no justification for what this guy is doing. Making somebody's life intentionally and persistently miserable can have no justification. The story basically starts with a boy falling in love with a girl that won't love him back. She's still using interaction with him for her purposes though. Then the boy grows into a man and his addiction to a person gets deformed into addiction…

About eight years ago I met a girl who I fell in love with almost instantly. Except she didn't fall in love with me. We had a fantastic first date, a terrible second, and an OK third, after which it ended. She had a real impact on me, with that first date. And she knew it. She could transform herself, her looks and her character, into this beautiful, lovely, hip, warm person. She was not a model, not fake hair or makeup, just a really attractive woman.

The second date I didn't recognize her. She came in pale clothes, hair without effort, barely makeup, and even today I'm confused if I think about it. It could have been someone else, and the date was a disaster. Not because of her clothes, but because of the stress test I was subject to. I didn't realize then what it was, just was taken by surprise and didn't know how to handle it. We had a third date, after which she let me know she didn't want to see me anymore.

In the email she sent, she let me know that she would never contact me again, really never, and I didn't have to try to contact her. She made it absolutely, without any doubt, clear that it would be totally pointless for me to keep on dreaming about her. Whatever I did could not change her mind. It was a long mail with a thorough explanation, and sound conclusion that this was the end.

Looking back, I realize that she must have had several stalkers. Maybe not the type that follows her 15 years, but guys that are flabbergasted by her appearance, fall in love, but cannot handle her, after which she dumps them, and they can't accept that. They may accept that mentally, but not emotionally. This is like an addiction, that's what it is, to me at least.

Thinking about this, I believe that she had her quirks as well. The way she devoted herself to things in her life, it was all or nothing. And so was my date with her.

I don't blame her. I don't think she meant wrong, or tried to trick me. I believe she was honest. But it is her way of acting that makes this happen as much as my way of reacting. I'm over her by the way, mentally and emotionally, and I haven't spoken to her since.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#205

Post by LordKano »

goda90 wrote: post #184
andreasvc wrote: post #169

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're blaming the victim. Do you really believe she didn't tell him no clearly? > Women need to learn to reject people in whom they're not interested No, that's not the problem, women get plenty of experience with that. People should not stalk or harass, period.

People should not stalk or harass. Authorities and all other members of society should take stalking and harassing seriously. BUT potential victims should take reasonable measures to protect themselves too(not saying that a "firm rejection" is enough or even safe though). I hope Internet safety instruction becomes more of a thing in our education system.

Exactly.

What she did would be interpreted by someone with limited social skills as sending mixed signals. She went out for a meal with him when he showed up unannounced and gave her a gift.

She'd block or ignore him sometimes and engage him other times.

No, he shouldn't have harassed her but she should have been clear from the beginning that the attention was unwanted.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#206

Post by d0lph »

Jean-Philipe wrote: post #150
fpgaminer wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

> Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. Here we go again. Somebody pointing out gender bias is blamed for being sexist.

> To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist.

Same paragraph ...

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#207

Post by LordKano »

ptaipale wrote: post #153
xenadu02 wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They don't exclude men. The ability to get LEO to give a crap varied by jurisdiction but plenty of guys have managed to get consequences enforced on their male or female harassers. Mostly I think it's a result of the average LEO/judge being older and having no clue what the consequences are of the ongoing harassment. It's definitely true that lots of judges/prosecutors have told people to "just get off the internet".

> They don't exclude men. Laws don't exclude, but their application and interpretation sometimes does. Not long ago in my country, there was a proposal to add funding to research domestic violence committed by women. The women's organisations of all major political parties (except one) signed a common statement which opposed the funding of this research. They said it was diverting attention away from the main problem…

There is a huge gender bias in play. In the US(and probably most other western countries), domestic violence is viewed as only something that men do to women.

It's treated as a joke when a woman is violent against a man and it's completely ignored that lesbian couples have the same rate of domestic violence as heterosexual couples.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#208

Post by maaku »

fpgaminer wrote: post #87
shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

But if you don't conform to social pressures you are either an "asshole" or a "bitch" depending on your gender. Being an asshole is socially acceptable if you are successful. Being a bitch is not under any circumstances.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#209

Post by SwellJoe »

striking wrote: post #49
SwellJoe wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My problem with that perspective is that the law is clear on the subject: It is a criminal matter, according to the cyberstalking statutes across the country. If police don't like the law, they probably shouldn't have chosen a career of enforcing the law. (Certainly there are unjust laws, and I would hope officers would choose to exhibit some sort of leniency or looking the other way in minor cases of those sorts...b…

They didn't snicker at her. They just didn't know how best to help her. I feel your characterization portrays officers as hateful when they're really often just misinformed. Again, just like you say, it's hard to find the right answer. And when you say you "rather they err on the side of protecting victims", there are too many people who could possibly be victims to protect. And how do you mean "protect" exactly? [Do…

The police in this case knew the name of the victim, the name of the perpetrator, and had the ability to look over the evidence to figure out whether a crime had been committed (according to the statute, it probably had). You don't get much more open and shut than that. Yes, it takes resources with only modest results (modest in the sense that it's not usually gonna be a murder case or a drug smuggling case, and won't be a gold star on the officer's record, but they will probably be able to help someone), but so does so-called "broken windows" policing and stop-and-frisk, which have similarly modest results (and have the unpleasant side effect of creating new victims in many cases, and breeding mistrust for police among young brown folks in nearly all cases).

I'm not sure what's so hard about this. Police in the first instance should at the least take a report from the victim. That's the first step toward a restraining order and other legal remedies, and how things begin in other kinds of harassment cases.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#210

Post by hollander »

YouYouMeMe wrote: post #191

Amazing. "I caved and sent him a message asking him to please stop messaging me so much or I’d block him." ... "so much or I'd block him." <--- the stalker?

Yep, it's reinforcement all over. Everything she does that does not shut him off completely, without notice, without any reaction, that is rewarding to him. I don't blame this girl for this, because she did the best she could, but from the outside it is rather clear how this works. The problem is probably mostly emotionally, on her side. For some reason she could not end it completely and hand it over to the police.
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