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Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

washingtonpost.com

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Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#181

Post by dinosaurdynasty »

SoftTalker wrote: post #159
EE84M3i wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have some friends at the bar, and I'm definitely considered welcome as a regular, and always have a good time, etc. But they're mostly drinking buddies, and not much more outside of that, however I'd like to try harder to change that.

What do you imagine a friend is? Mostly they are drinking buddies, or buddies. I have not had a friend in over 30 years who was anything more than someone I knew from an activity we both did or a place we both frequented. People (especially men) pretty much stop having "deep" friendships once they are adults.

That's just an acquaintance, honestly.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#182

Post by dumpsterlid »

m000 wrote: post #113

I would put this down to a growing part of the population feels financially insecure. As you grow older, spending quality time with people also requires spending $. If you are barely making some savings, you probably won't feel comfortable in scaling up your social life. It is surprising that the author recognizes the time period/age group... > These new habits are startling — and a striking departure from the past.…

I made this exact point in this thread elsewhere. It is gross negligence to not even consider peoples finances and stress from lack of said finances as effecting how much we socialize.

Who the hell has the energy to socialize these days? I get paid less and less, my boss acts like I am selfish for wanting a raise while simultaneously expecting me to do 3 peoples job, and its crushingly depressing thinking about how I will likely never have enough to retire or live a comfortable life in old age.

Who the hell is surprised that people are just sitting at home?

US society is being torn apart by the rich, and almost every social issue we have in this country is directly connected to that.

Look at the recent rail strike, some of those workers only get something like 40 days off a year, that is INCLUDING their "weekends". It is absolutely out of control how badly the average american is being crushed by a society with so much wealth and knowledge.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#183

Post by bergenty »

fstarship wrote: post #173
fleddr wrote: post #164

Not being lonely used to be automatic as society forced you to interact and meet with lots of people just to function. Religion might force you to church where you meet most of the community regularly. It goes far beyond just the purpose of religion. You'll know about every life event of every member, learn about businesses in the community, might meet new friends or even a spouse. The only social institute that come…

Church in this context is a third place, the place outside of work and home. Church is one option https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

There aren’t a lot of good examples that can replace church. Church was literally a forced outing for everyone once a week. A barbershop or pub is not even close to being the same thing.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#184

Post by bergenty »

UnpossibleJim wrote: post #135
foobarian wrote: post #123

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As kid I spent time in an old fashioned Russian serf type village, where a bunch of families lived together and worked a bunch of strips of land. It was the best time I ever had. Everyone had a job to do, and they were happy to let you help. The tasks you were given seemed fulfilling and meaningful. Today is horrible. Nobody lives with family or knows neighbors around here. No more church. There are some craft clubs,…

If you can find a community garden, they're way better than the grocery. No offense or anything. Plus you get to meet your local community. I miss mine, now that I'm in the suburbs. You might look into it. It fosters a lot more than just healthy food. It builds neighborhoods, reclaims land and makes friends in the community. They're great.

All of these suggestions are optional. The biggest part of community is it is a forced coexistence. Anything optional takes willpower and most people just will not do consistently.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#185

Post by taeric »

0F5 wrote: post #174
fleddr wrote: post #164

Not being lonely used to be automatic as society forced you to interact and meet with lots of people just to function. Religion might force you to church where you meet most of the community regularly. It goes far beyond just the purpose of religion. You'll know about every life event of every member, learn about businesses in the community, might meet new friends or even a spouse. The only social institute that come…

Wrong. My college chemistry textbook had a small aside about an important organic chemist in the 1920s who was responsible for many foundational organic chemistry techniques and theories. I forget his name. The blurb ended with his death — he committed suicide after lamenting that his friends always had female partners on the weekends while he, on the other hand, was always alone. The man died of loneliness in the 19…

Honestly? That "blurb" sounds more like bullying than it does an actual commentary on what likely was the truth.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#186

Post by bergenty »

seydor wrote: post #124
upsidesinclude wrote: post #121

>Spending less time with friends is not a best practice by most standards , and it might contribute to other troubling social trends — isolation, worsening mental health (particularly among adolescents), rising aggressive behavior and violent crime. In typical, low-effort WP fashion, these are just unsubstantiated claims. Why not take the few minutes to do some actual journalism... ah, because WP. I'm not sold on the…

YEah the whole tone of the article is that there is something wrong with lonely people . That's not really helping them

There is a problem with lonely people by definition. Now being alone/by yourself/solitude is completely acceptable.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#187

Post by 1270018080 »

kodah wrote: post #166
dangus wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Believe it or not, big cities have pretty good quality of life and people who live there do actually have friends and social lives. I grew up in the suburbs, and I've lived in big cities, urban areas in medium sized cities, and exurbs as well. The cities aren't as different as non-urban people think. But also, they're better in a lot of the ways that most people would expect: more things to do, better food, better sh…

> And, oh yeah, cities are where the jobs are. We can and should change this as much as possible.

Why?

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#188

Post by Gustomaximus »

EE84M3i wrote: post #92

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time on zoom calls. - My family lives far away. - I'm single. Most weeks, my only social interaction is at the local bar, where I'm a regular, or various dates from apps. Excesses of both of these is unhealthy in different ways. I've been pushing myself to go to mee…

My solution, and I respect its not for everyone, is learn to cook and start inviting people around for weekend lunch/dinners. I think this is more personal and better than heading to bars and restaurants.

I find this is a really good way to build a social network and become part of groups. It may be a little intimidating at first, but as it becomes regular, it's easier to add new people to an existing friend group than many new people together.

If people get along start expanding to other things. Weekends away or days trips to do hobby x. Bring new people in. Understand sometimes you have to move on from people that dont fit. But overall put in the effort to be the organiser.

I think people sometimes forget as an adult you often have to put in effort to build new relationships. It doesnt happen as organically as it did when you were young. There's huge value in it and we'll worth it I feel.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#189

Post by throwawaydad12 »

naikrovek wrote: post #13
mym1990 wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do you anticipate you will be lonely in a decade's time(but not currently)? And do you think you are a toxin based on your observation of the general species?

unfortunately, humans are a social species and the toll of being alone adds up over time. I try to avoid people so that I don't darken their day and they don't darken mine. I consider staying away from others a very small gift to them. people are mean, selfish assholes and are by default competitive and adversarial, by nature. we are a doomed species, and are unworthy of existence, in my opinion.

This is pretty relatable. Not sure I'd say "unworthy", as that's hard to measure. Instead, I'd just say that consciousness seems to lead directly and inevitably to misery. And following Qohelet from thousands of years ago, those who are no longer conscious, or never were, are the best off.

We'll all be dead quite soon. In the meantime, I enjoy going out into nature a bit (waterfalls are great), and more reliably, having a pet. I think this is the best that this world has to offer. Godspeed.

Re: Americans are choosing to be alone, but we should reverse that

#190

Post by toiletfuneral »

snoot wrote: post #170
UweSchmidt wrote: post #125

The fundamental force behind this is individualism. Every single technological innovation has made it easier for the individual to function better alone. Every societal change has emphasized the individual right over the (real or perceived) benefit of the collective. This trend seems to accelerate and absolutely nothing that is happening in western society even remotely suggests a possible turnaround. You can take ac…

> But you'll do all that against massive societal forces. What forces exactly? > A few decades back you'd join one of the few organizations or clubs that happened in your area, and instantly be in a reliable community (if you adapt a little - let's ignore all the downsides for a moment). I’ve joined two different clubs. One 7 years ago and one this year. Both have resulted in good friends, outings, and even trips to…

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