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People Like You More Than You Know

blogs.scientificamerican.com

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Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#181

Post by emodendroket »

sureaboutthis wrote: post #23

These are true stories. I don't wish to come across as bragging. The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the best engineer he ever knew. And he worked for some pretty well known engineering firms. If he had told me that before, I might not have left. A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around t…

> A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around to her telling me how depressed she was about her life and loves. After maybe 10 minutes, she thanked me for being such a good listener and said something about I was just so charismatic. I almost fell out of my chair.

I get this a lot too despite not being any great conversationalist. I think in some sense people who don't talk too much are blessed with being perceived as great listeners.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#182

Post by yesenadam »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #114
madaxe_again wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The reason you may be experiencing this effect is that some people, such as me, absolutely loathe being praised or complimented - it’s incredibly uncomfortable, for a number of reasons: 1) What Do You Want? More often than not, people have an ulterior motive when giving a compliment. You’re telling me you like my shirt, or that what I did last week was kind, and I’m wondering what sort of onerous task or bequest you’…

I don't know why you are framing this like you disagree with me since we are both saying "Yeah, that giving compliments thing? Doesn't really work so well in my experience."

I don't know why you are framing this like you disagree with me

I can't see that he was framing it like he disagreed with you. You were the one doing that, it seems to me.

You again and again on HN tell of how awfully the people in your life, the people on here who won't talk to you, the people who do talk with you, have treated you. Then you rebuke people for offering advice, trying to help.

Then you tell us "avoiding drama is one of my skills".

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#183

Post by emodendroket »

qubax wrote: post #32

What does that even mean? I'm sure some like me more than I think and some hate me more than I think. But mostly 99% of the people don't care because they have their lives to lead. Are there people I like more than they know. Sure. Are there people I hate more than they know. Absolutely. But really 99.99% of the people don't matter. I don't think about them or them me. Ultimately, you care about your family and frien…

Life might be a little harder if all your colleagues couldn't stand you, for instance.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#184

Post by DoreenMichele »

travisjungroth wrote: post #166
DoreenMichele wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have two special needs sons and I've done all kinds of therapy and what not. So kind of randomly: Nutritional supplements actually have a better track record than drugs for dealing with things like ADHD. If you can pinpoint the things that you need for your brain, you can see real improvement over time. B vitamins, high quality salt, the right fats and certain minerals, like magnesium and calcium, are likely candid…

What is high quality salt?

Not table salt.

The best is Celtic Sea Salt. After that is various other brands of sea salt, Himalayan salt, kosher salt, canning and pickling salt.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#185

Post by DoreenMichele »

yesenadam wrote: post #182
DoreenMichele wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know why you are framing this like you disagree with me since we are both saying "Yeah, that giving compliments thing? Doesn't really work so well in my experience."

I don't know why you are framing this like you disagree with me I can't see that he was framing it like he disagreed with you. You were the one doing that, it seems to me. You again and again on HN tell of how awfully the people in your life, the people on here who won't talk to you, the people who do talk with you, have treated you. Then you rebuke people for offering advice, trying to help. Then you tell us "avoidi…

The comment was edited after I replied. Someone else replied to me before I noticed the edit, so I couldn't delete my remark.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#186

Post by tajen »

toomanybeersies wrote: post #84

It's one thing to know this, but another to actually feel it. For a variety of reasons, I get quite bad paranoia sometimes that nobody actually likes me. I feel like at best they tolerate me, and at worst are using me. It's a really shitty feeling to feel. It's caused me to drift away from a lot of friendships because I think "they don't really like me", and then months or years later, I run into them and they ask me…

I blame it on speaking to a computer all day long – inert machine. When I worked as a woodworker (backpacking), I had none of this lack of confidence in others.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#187

Post by EADGBE »

gaius wrote: post #124
sureaboutthis wrote: post #23

These are true stories. I don't wish to come across as bragging. The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the best engineer he ever knew. And he worked for some pretty well known engineering firms. If he had told me that before, I might not have left. A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around t…

At my previous job on my last day there was no one in my reporting line around so I went to the group next door and asked their manager if I could hand in my company BB and credit card to him instead. He was bemused but said OK. An hour later I get a call, I have to come over there urgently. When I get there, that guy has organised me a leaving party on the fly. There were 30 people, cakes, and a card full of nice me…

> This started happening to me after I got married.

This seems common. I'd bet that they feel safer admitting this after the fact; not wanting you to assume that you should pursue a relationship with them.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#188

Post by DoreenMichele »

okyougotmenow wrote: post #177
DoreenMichele wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't want to get into a lot of details, but I will give one example. I had an affair in my twenties with a man whose life could have been absolutely ruined because of it. He wasn't especially good looking, but he had beautiful blue eyes and I had a thing for blue eyes and told him how much I liked his blue eyes. We were not sleeping together at the time and it wasn't an unreasonable thing to say, given circumstanc…

You had an affair and you still feel you can judge this guy. Whether that means you cheated on a contemporary partner, or simply that you enabled him to cheat on his "alcoholic wife," you objectively did something immoral, yet you feel no remorse, just rationalized butthurt that he didn't pick you. > He wasn't especially good looking, but he had beautiful blue eyes and I had a thing for blue eyes and told him how muc…

just rationalized butthurt that he didn't pick you.

You might try reading things a little more carefully. I rejected him, then spent years arranging my life to avoid him. I'm absolutely not butthurt that we didn't end up together. More like "Dodged that bullet!!"

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#189

Post by l9k »

thanatropism wrote: post #20

I saw a reference to this (not sure if the same article) idea about a week ago and started talking to people at work as if they want to like me if they can find a way to. I've been since feeling less alienated from the broader staff (outside our five-person technical team). I didn't have any reason to believe it, but thought it was a fun meme and the placebo effect might be pleasing. What, maybe I've begun going out…

This is especially true at work with your manager because he/she they placed a bet on you (by hiring you)

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#190

Post by jiscariot »

mostlysilent wrote: post #74
coldtea wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I've learnt that few people like a strange, mostly silent creature being around long. It's very rare that I'm around anyone long enough for me to get past it and actually make a friend. Well, being a friend is all about communication. If one sits silent, how can the other gauge if they are good friend material? They could be totally incompatible, a jerk, rude, stupid, etc -- and there's no way to tell otherwise unl…

I recognize this, and yeah it's obvious why others find it strange. I find it difficult to explain. I can fake and cope when rules are known. I can talk where there's shared rules for everyone like an interview or a class, with staff in a store. When it gets to free format, like the lunch break, I don't know the answers any more and have to take time thinking up something to say, so people reasonably move on to more…

In reading your description, I see significant parallels with my experience...I had never noticed the "rules" perspective. That helped shed some light on things, so thanks for that.

It is apt that you mention the military. I have heard from a few sources that the military is a really effective at teaching people to BS, but mainly due to long periods of sitting around waiting with little to do except goof off or shoot the breeze.

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