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How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

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Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#151

Post by ritchiea »

bananaface wrote: post #80
ritchiea wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What's wrong with being kind and speaking to people with respect while you disagree with them? One of the big problems with the "politically incorrect" or "radical free speech" crowd is that your words can hurt people's feeling. And your tone can hurt people's feelings. And there's no good reason to tell someone "fuck off" when you can politely say no other than maybe you have things you're angry about that you haven…

What makes it difficult is the fact that people respond like this. What did he say that you even disagreed with? He has an "anger issue"? wtf.

If I said “little childish voice in the back of your head who craves to be rude without cause” instead of “anger issue” would that make you feel better?

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#152

Post by partyboat1586 »

bragh wrote: post #130
partyboat1586 wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What are "High-Context culture people and Low-Context culture people"?

GP was not trying to be racist, such a concept does exist: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_c...

Thanks for the link. I didn't infer racism, just never heard the term before.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#153

Post by darkerside »

thomastjeffery wrote: post #72
Natales wrote: post #34

No means a lot more than “no” most of the time. My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, so I was raised always to take care of “the appearances”, always being polite, even when you disagree. When I moved to the US back in 2000, I “discovered” people have freedom to think and say whatever they want (kind of) and it was OK to dissent. The pendulum went the other way, and I became a big fan of Bill Maher and the “it’s OK to be po…

I was raised in a Mormon family, which I now understand to be a very similar experience to that of Jehovah's Witnesses. I went on (what was supposed to be) a two year mission for the LDS church, but grew up telling myself it was out of desire and not obligation. It was definitely about obligation, just like so many other aspects of my life at that time. I told myself I was going to college to better myself, but that…

Society itself is a culture against dissent. We choose to live together despite our differences and make sacrifices for the group over the individual. It's part of the social contract.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#154

Post by darkerside »

nicky0 wrote: post #147
TeaDrunk wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Jordan Peterson railed against a guideline that, from what I understand, had no consequences to him. He blew it up as if he was being persecuted but the actual law was just “hey please consider using people’s preferred pronouns”.

That isn't a good summary of the bill, and it didn't even mention preferred pronouns. What it actually did was add "gender identity or expression" to a list of protected characteristics to be considered when prosecuting hate speech and as a factor in criminal sentencing. (Peterson's interpretation was that it would have the effect of making misgendering or failure to use preferred pronouns into hate speech, thus that…

Is he a lawyer? I'd be curious to know if this is a valid legal opinion or fear-mongering.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#155

Post by darkerside »

watwut wrote: post #111
partyboat1586 wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The >"radical free speech" crowd understands hurting other people's feelings, they just don't believe anyone should be compelled by law not to hurt someone else's feelings.

I dont think it is entirely true. I have many times seen people argue that something like offence does not exist. Or that "hurt feelings" are basically your own fault. Or that put downs or insults are all just about your own weak feelings. Including on HN.

Well, it is true that you are responsible for the way that you feel, and you can choose not only how to externally react to what people to say, but even teach yourself to internally process those messages as constructively as you want to.

The most powerful thing about words is the power the listener gives them.

I hope I've successfully fallen between the cracks of the perspective you outlined.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#156

Post by DomenicoMazza »

Yes we need to have boundaries but a part of me thinks the popularity of 'not being a people pleaser' is in the label 'people pleaser' and its negative connotation. I set boundaries and listen to my needs but also make a habit of doing good things for others... not for my own self-agrandising or relieving myself of guilt but to set the EXAMPLE of what is good and how I would like to be treated—I don't really care about people's perception of me unless it has some logical argument to it and a lesson in it. Today I felt like getting in touch with people I haven't caught up with in a while and it was great.. it's part of my character.. I like to feel connected. I am upset by the number of transnational people out there that only hold space for you (well try to hold space) when they need you. In short.. understanding your boundaries is good.. BUT making a habit of not being a label.. a perception that sharing your goodness is some wicked thing that saps you of energy.. maybe think carefully if a boundary is being crossed or not first. Some people do gain pleasure from doing good for others. I've certainly learned from going too far with kindness for my perception but that's how you find your boundary and way to being truly sincere.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#157

Post by darkerside »

qz2 wrote: post #21

Watch out for saying no. People you work with learn what things you will say no to and rephrase the question to avoid a let down or start asking the wrong question and then misquoting themselves later. This becomes a cat and mouse game of trying to determine what people’s intent really is. Humans are built for deception. I tend to respond with “let me sit down and think about this” then send them an email with their…

Working these things out in real-time in the presence of conflict and tension is an immeasurably valuable life skill. If you don't practice it, you'll never get better.

Consider your wife's coffee maker conversation practice for times where the stakes are much higher.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#158

Post by royletron »

partyboat1586 wrote: post #97
royletron wrote: post #42

I see it very often that people who say 'yes' = good people, and people who say 'no' = bad peoples. I've certainly worked in places where turning down drinks after hours isolates you socially. I have also worked in places where those that say 'yes', typically are quite insufferable. I think for many years I have tried to be a 'yes' person but undercover. For example if I agree to drinks and I am aware there is anothe…

It doesn't make you a bad person it makes you a good leader. You anticipated a bad social situation and smoothly avoided it making things better for everyone.

I feel like I need you to redo my CV! Thanks.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#159

Post by steverb »

Natales wrote: post #34

No means a lot more than “no” most of the time. My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, so I was raised always to take care of “the appearances”, always being polite, even when you disagree. When I moved to the US back in 2000, I “discovered” people have freedom to think and say whatever they want (kind of) and it was OK to dissent. The pendulum went the other way, and I became a big fan of Bill Maher and the “it’s OK to be po…

Fortunately, it is possible (even if our politicians can't do it) to completely disagree with someone and NOT be an asshole.

You can argue AND still be respectful and polite to the person you are arguing with. You can vehemently disagree and still do so in a way that respects the other person's different perspective and point of view.

And choosing not to use language that is commonly considered offensive is not a limit on your freedom. But others have the freedom to choose not to engage with you (or continue to employ you).

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#160

Post by bumby »

frankie_t wrote: post #139
closeparen wrote: post #29

My life got a lot better after I stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others. I really don’t want to go out for drinks after work. But this preference is nothing compared to how much I value the friendships that come from doing it. Hiking a mountain is not in the top 100 things I want to do with my weekend. But a shared expe…

>stopped considering questions in terms of my own preferences and started considering them in terms of how they would connect me to others Feeling connection to others is one of your own preferences, ultimately you act in your own interest anyway. The tricky part for me is to evaluate my preferences when they are in conflict and choose what is optimal.

Maybe it’s about optimizing for long-term fulfillment vs. short-term happiness?
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