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How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

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Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#71

Post by hectorlorenzo »

the-dude wrote: post #64
Kiro wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've done the opposite. I used to do a lot of stuff I didn't want to just because it was a social norm I was afraid to break. I thought I valued the friendships so much that it was worth it but it made my life a misery. I've realized that social relationships are simply not that important to me.

That is not what he is saying at all. edit: And you are editting your comment without acknowledging it. Not cool, especially when there are replies.

He is not afraid to break these social norms either.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#72

Post by thomastjeffery »

Natales wrote: post #34

No means a lot more than “no” most of the time. My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, so I was raised always to take care of “the appearances”, always being polite, even when you disagree. When I moved to the US back in 2000, I “discovered” people have freedom to think and say whatever they want (kind of) and it was OK to dissent. The pendulum went the other way, and I became a big fan of Bill Maher and the “it’s OK to be po…

I was raised in a Mormon family, which I now understand to be a very similar experience to that of Jehovah's Witnesses.

I went on (what was supposed to be) a two year mission for the LDS church, but grew up telling myself it was out of desire and not obligation. It was definitely about obligation, just like so many other aspects of my life at that time.

I told myself I was going to college to better myself, but that was out of obligation, too.

Similar to Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormonism has created a culture that is explicitly against dissent. Leaders preach from the pulpit often that we should dismiss people whose conclusions are contrary to The Church's narrative or truth claims.

Having recently left my belief in Mormonism, I've been taking a lot of time to reevaluate my goals and life decisions. Years of compromising with conservative Mormonism have left me with a strong appetite for open dissent and honest argument.

Many times, politeness itself is censorship.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#73

Post by chegra »

cialowicz wrote: post #15
unkulunkulu wrote: post #13

A brother of mine gave me an advice on this recently, goes like this: “just say no! After that find a reason why and give it, but first a no without thinking about it” I liked it

It doesn't seem constructive to always say "no" to things. "Yes" is how things get built. If you say "yes" to the right things, and then execute well, you'll go far in life. I'm not arguing against saying "no" to things, but a policy of blanket "no" will leave you pretty unfulfilled.

It's easier to change from a "No" to a "Yes" than from a "Yes" to a "No". For instance, someone promise to take part in an event then at the last minute backed out. This is deal breaking. Compared this with saying "No" first then at the last minute indicating you will be able to take part. Saying no first is always better, you can always upgrade.

I also agree that things get done by saying "yes". But, there are only 24 hrs in a day, and if you want to accomplish great things you need to focus, that requires saying no a lot.

To quote Warren Buffet : "The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#74

Post by ritchiea »

Natales wrote: post #34

No means a lot more than “no” most of the time. My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, so I was raised always to take care of “the appearances”, always being polite, even when you disagree. When I moved to the US back in 2000, I “discovered” people have freedom to think and say whatever they want (kind of) and it was OK to dissent. The pendulum went the other way, and I became a big fan of Bill Maher and the “it’s OK to be po…

What's wrong with being kind and speaking to people with respect while you disagree with them?

One of the big problems with the "politically incorrect" or "radical free speech" crowd is that your words can hurt people's feeling. And your tone can hurt people's feelings. And there's no good reason to tell someone "fuck off" when you can politely say no other than maybe you have things you're angry about that you haven't dealt with well. And those things you're angry about are lingering around your subsconscious giving you a latent urge to tell someone to "fuck off." But other people shouldn't suffer because you haven't figured out how to deal with your anger issue.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#75

Post by Kiro »

the-dude wrote: post #64
Kiro wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've done the opposite. I used to do a lot of stuff I didn't want to just because it was a social norm I was afraid to break. I thought I valued the friendships so much that it was worth it but it made my life a misery. I've realized that social relationships are simply not that important to me.

That is not what he is saying at all. edit: And you are editting your comment without acknowledging it. Not cool, especially when there are replies.

I started editing the comment before I knew it had replies. The meaning should be the same since I just elaborated on it. What was your comment referring to?

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#76

Post by the-dude »

Kiro wrote: post #75
the-dude wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is not what he is saying at all. edit: And you are editting your comment without acknowledging it. Not cool, especially when there are replies.

I started editing the comment before I knew it had replies. The meaning should be the same since I just elaborated on it. What was your comment referring to?

Sorry but I just realized you are not worthy of my time.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#77

Post by toyg »

bladegash wrote: post #33
cgriswald wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve been divorced so long I don’t really even consider myself divorced. I realized my part in the dissolution of my marriage was basically never saying no. Something in that realization clued me in to all kinds of social concepts and consequences I’d been basically unaware of my entire life. The closest thing I can compare it to is the growing awareness of your expanding consciousness you experience as a teen. I was…

Out of curiosity, do you feel like it was the never saying no that was the biggest problem, or was it the things that stemmed from never saying no? For me, there were a whole host of things that came with being uncomfortable saying no, such as: building resentment resulting from doing something I didn’t really want to, passive aggressiveness, avoidance of conflict, disappointment when people still weren’t pleased aft…

Not parent poster, but in my apparently-similar experience, it’s just that not saying no will inevitably result in halfhearted effort down the line, which means the results will underwhelm and hence generate more issues.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#78

Post by column »

Natales wrote: post #34

No means a lot more than “no” most of the time. My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, so I was raised always to take care of “the appearances”, always being polite, even when you disagree. When I moved to the US back in 2000, I “discovered” people have freedom to think and say whatever they want (kind of) and it was OK to dissent. The pendulum went the other way, and I became a big fan of Bill Maher and the “it’s OK to be po…

> what people consider to be “the country of freedom”

Yeah, no. It's a country where it is the norm to be fired on the spot and without recourse for something that has nothing to do with your job. Where cops can size any amount of money you have in your car for no reason. It's the motherland of profits and ads over privacy! US tries to sell itself as “the country of freedom” but I believe the world has come well aware this is BS and you may be much more free in the EU.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#79

Post by toyg »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #24

I remember when it was “fashionable” for Marketing and Sales folks to never say no, and the rhetorical gymnastics they would go through to say no, while not actually saying “no,” would be amazing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J34UzHo4G5w

What do you mean “it was”...? ;)

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#80

Post by bananaface »

ritchiea wrote: post #74
Natales wrote: post #34

No means a lot more than “no” most of the time. My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, so I was raised always to take care of “the appearances”, always being polite, even when you disagree. When I moved to the US back in 2000, I “discovered” people have freedom to think and say whatever they want (kind of) and it was OK to dissent. The pendulum went the other way, and I became a big fan of Bill Maher and the “it’s OK to be po…

What's wrong with being kind and speaking to people with respect while you disagree with them? One of the big problems with the "politically incorrect" or "radical free speech" crowd is that your words can hurt people's feeling. And your tone can hurt people's feelings. And there's no good reason to tell someone "fuck off" when you can politely say no other than maybe you have things you're angry about that you haven…

What makes it difficult is the fact that people respond like this. What did he say that you even disagreed with? He has an "anger issue"? wtf.
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