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How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

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Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#11

Post by theonething »

> Before you say yes, pause

The way I do this is respond with "Can I get back to you on that?" And perhaps append with "I need to check my schedule" or "check with my spouse, etc"

And then make sure I do get back to them with an answer.

When I make a snap response to a request, I often regret it because I haven't had time to think about the request and how to relates to my schedule, plans, interests, desire to help, pros, cons etc.

By asking for more time to decide, I get the chance to think about it and that increases the chance that I'll make a decision that I'm happy with.

Of course there are situations that call for an immediate response or that you know whether you want to say yes or no immediately, but for all others, the above works for me.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#12

Post by cgriswald »

CreepGin wrote: post #6

I vaguely remember this being somewhat of a problem for me when I was much younger. But after getting married and having kids, saying No to requests became natural for me.

I’ve been divorced so long I don’t really even consider myself divorced. I realized my part in the dissolution of my marriage was basically never saying no. Something in that realization clued me in to all kinds of social concepts and consequences I’d been basically unaware of my entire life. The closest thing I can compare it to is the growing awareness of your expanding consciousness you experience as a teen. I was the same person but a new window on the world opened up and I’ve never had a problem saying no since.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#15

Post by cialowicz »

unkulunkulu wrote: post #13

A brother of mine gave me an advice on this recently, goes like this: “just say no! After that find a reason why and give it, but first a no without thinking about it” I liked it

It doesn't seem constructive to always say "no" to things. "Yes" is how things get built. If you say "yes" to the right things, and then execute well, you'll go far in life.

I'm not arguing against saying "no" to things, but a policy of blanket "no" will leave you pretty unfulfilled.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#16

Post by unishark »

AmericanChopper wrote: post #3

The article concludes with suggesting people adopt the ‘soft no’. If the readers of this advice have issues with tension or anxiety (which is where the article seems to be targeted), that could backfire quite badly. If a person is known for their people pleasing yeses, a soft no could just be sending the signal that the requester needs to apply more pressure. Saying no naturally involves some level of confrontation,…

Yes, this is bad advice for dealing with people who came to haggle and that think their work starts when you say "no", much less when decline weakly.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#17

Post by unabst »

From Yes to No is a hard 180. That's like nice to rude for a lot of people pleasers. Instead you can start by never saying Yes. This can even be fun for a while. Don't need to say no, but can't say yes. But after a bit of this, you find it easier to just say no, and even more respectful of other's time. And there you have it. Now you're saying no.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#18

Post by b0rsuk »

5 Tips To Stop People Pleasing (Richard Grannon, edited down to 15 minutes) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRprOhOaDSo

8 signs you're too nice for your own good (Psych2Go, 5:45) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lw4M4q2NFw

If you're a people pleaser, you attract narcissists like a magnet. If you had narcissists in family, you develop a blind spot to this and are mostly unable to spot it. I STRONGLY recommend the DoctorRamani channel for that, she's a professor specializing in narcissism.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#19

Post by AmericanChopper »

_y5hn wrote: post #4
AmericanChopper wrote: post #3

The article concludes with suggesting people adopt the ‘soft no’. If the readers of this advice have issues with tension or anxiety (which is where the article seems to be targeted), that could backfire quite badly. If a person is known for their people pleasing yeses, a soft no could just be sending the signal that the requester needs to apply more pressure. Saying no naturally involves some level of confrontation,…

A "soft no" implies respectful environment. Current working and world conditions precludes this. If you find yourself working for an environment that has started positive transformation, a "soft no" will be heard. This is indicative of such an environment (a listening environment).

I don’t think a soft vs hard no has much to do with respect (and I’m not sure why you think respectful working relationships aren’t possible). A hard no is just a definitive answer, and can be delivered as respectfully as you like. A soft no is usually an “I would if not for...”. Which some people will simply read as an invitation to remove blockers, or correct your mistaken prioritization decisions, so that you can deal with the more important issue of what they want you to do.

Re: How to say no, for the people pleaser who always says yes

#20

Post by atoav »

unkulunkulu wrote: post #13

A brother of mine gave me an advice on this recently, goes like this: “just say no! After that find a reason why and give it, but first a no without thinking about it” I liked it

I think a "Let me check my schedule" or a "Send me more details" makes more sense in cases where you don't know whether you want to do it.

This makes people aware your time is limited, makes them do at least a little bit before they get (or don't get) your time and gives you time to decide with a little bit distance.

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