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My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

sashachapin.substack.com

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Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#141

Post by WolfeReader »

Thossndjsj wrote: post #134
SirMaster wrote: post #27

Why do we need to be normal anyway? Why can't we just be unique?

Most people from what I've seen don't want unique as much as they want somewhat famailiar. If it deviates too far away from that then they are repulsed, and I can give you an example right here. I'm going to commit suicide. I've known this for the last 15 years. It'll probably be another 10 years before I'll die, but I know my end is half laying down with a 1.5 inch nylon strap tied cinched on my neck and a tree trun…

Neither horrified nor accepting.

What you have is mental illness. A healthy brain does not decide to kill itself. Please get help and do NOT wait for your elderly relatives to pass before making the call.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#142

Post by yarekt »

ozim wrote: post #103
nkrisc wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The post felt like a rollercoaster between using tricks to charm and manipulate, and periods of genuinely trying to learn how to be friends with people. That’s all the same thing. What is being friends with people other than essentially manipulating them into liking you by being likable and a good friend? What’s important is why you’re doing it.

I think big distinction is “doing it on purpose, in a thought out manner” vs “just being who you are and people falling into friendship with you”. Doing it on purpose - even if you don’t have bad intentions - still feels selfish, you make them like you for your own benefit first and foremost as you want them to be your friends.

It's almost the same argument, but backwards: You think they are a good person, so you want them to do well. Because they are good, they also want you to do well. Same result, but intentions are backwards.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#143

Post by wk_end »

teekert wrote: post #128
aethrum wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He seems like an odd duck.

He does, doesn’t he. For one it’s pretty special to have the energy to do all this. Or is it just because it’s a summary of 20+ years? Somehow you feel like someone who’s socially awkward would not just go on a 4 hours super deep conversation, as some form of experiment. I wonder what this person is like irl. I did like this piece.

I actually went to university with him! It's so weird seeing his posts occasionally pop up on HN.

That was when he was in his, as he accurately describes it, performative NPR phase of reading difficult modernist novels and having opinions about Barthes or whatever. I found him very very smart, as he clearly is, and also incredibly obnoxious (though I was obnoxious too). Part of that was because it was extraordinarily apparent how contrived his persona was to be superficially charming, and part of that was jealousy; then and now I wish that I were so smart and so charming, superficially or otherwise.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#144

Post by tibbar »

Aurornis wrote: post #47

This post wasn't what I was expecting from the "socially normal" title. While there is a lot of self-reflection and growth in this piece, a lot of the points felt more like learning how to charm, manipulate, and game social interactions. Look at the first two subheadings: > 1: Connecting with people is about being a dazzling person > 2: Connecting with people is about playing their game The post felt like a rollercoa…

Important context is that the author was a social outcast as a child. I also had this experience, and I can tell you, I was just desperate to figure out how to get people to like me. It wasn't that I wanted to manipulate them, I just really, really wanted to have friends and be included. And so I also cycled through different tricks that I thought would help. (I went through a standup comedy phase, for instance.)

Of course, in many ways making friends is all much easier than either I or the author was making it out to be. But I suspect we were both burdened with some unrealized oddities, and, unable to directly identify or compensate for them, sought other, more elaborate ways to fit in.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#145

Post by jonnybgood »

nkrisc wrote: post #84
Aurornis wrote: post #47

This post wasn't what I was expecting from the "socially normal" title. While there is a lot of self-reflection and growth in this piece, a lot of the points felt more like learning how to charm, manipulate, and game social interactions. Look at the first two subheadings: > 1: Connecting with people is about being a dazzling person > 2: Connecting with people is about playing their game The post felt like a rollercoa…

> The post felt like a rollercoaster between using tricks to charm and manipulate, and periods of genuinely trying to learn how to be friends with people. That’s all the same thing. What is being friends with people other than essentially manipulating them into liking you by being likable and a good friend? What’s important is why you’re doing it.

> What is being friends with people other than essentially manipulating them into liking you by being likable and a good friend?

No, that’s not a friendship. That’s just a relationship built on insecurity. You can only hold up the facade for so long. Imagine manipulating a romantic interest in to liking you, or vice versa. That’s not a very nice thing to do. It never ends well.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#146

Post by NumberCruncher »

roughly wrote: post #41

Honestly I think lesson 7 is nobody's normal. All the things the author's noted about interacting with other people - see how weird and rare it was and how long it took to recognize it? See how often it's on your plate to be the one to go zen mode to figure out how to dance with someone? The author isn't normal, they're now skilled. Before, they weren't normal, because they noticed they weren't skilled. Most people d…

> Honestly I think lesson 7 is nobody's normal.

There are only two types of ppl: "the wrong kind of crazy" and "the right kind of crazy". Why would I want to connect with the wrong type of crazy? Ok, I don't work as a waiter.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#147

Post by yarekt »

nkrisc wrote: post #123
ozim wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think big distinction is “doing it on purpose, in a thought out manner” vs “just being who you are and people falling into friendship with you”. Doing it on purpose - even if you don’t have bad intentions - still feels selfish, you make them like you for your own benefit first and foremost as you want them to be your friends.

I’m curious how you accidentally or unintentionally become friends with someone. Being friends almost always requires intent.

not original commenter, but I have. Either through their manipulation, or just being in the same place, doing the same things. Didn't like them as a person, but they were decent to me, so some sort of reciprocation happened, didn't last though.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#148

Post by koakuma-chan »

lovich wrote: post #107
koakuma-chan wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I read that book and I think it's terrible. Though the "God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence" was funny and I can relate... but otherwise, I wouldn't want to live in a society where people are secretly hating you but "speaking ill of no man" a.k.a. "not criticizing." I liked the book Winning by Jack Welch more, which advocates for "candor," and is essentially the opposite of How to Win F…

The sociopath who destroyed GE in the quest for more money is someone I would only take social advice from if I was done with humanity and had started to use society for entirely selfish ends. He got away with “candor” because he was at the top and anyone who disagreed with him was removed. Honestly any self help books from people in unique positions in society trying to tell the common man how to improve always read…

Do you think you are a common man? Are you content with it?

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#149

Post by ribosometronome »

collingreen wrote: post #115
pseidemann wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreed. It's the playbook of social interaction written out. Nothing offensive about that.

Sometimes we find it distasteful to have things we're fully aware of explicitly spelled out. A trite quip here is "nobody wants to see how the sausage is made".

It may be the first time many people are actively considering these things if they haven't generally felt social struggles / aren't on the spectrum.

Re: My stages of learning to be a socially normal person

#150

Post by 65 »

The author appears to have a very large ego. Most "weird" people I know fall into the same trap of desperately trying to be something... to be interesting or dazzling or charming, while forgetting that they're talking to another person.

Connection is being interested in what someone has to say. Not in being "interesting" or playing some kind of game. Ask questions, share similar experiences.

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