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How to make a friend fast

happyturtlethings.net

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Re: How to make a friend fast

#141

Post by jackvalentine »

WalterGR wrote: post #126
jackvalentine wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's true.

So, and this is honest curiosity re. understanding the HN mindset... why did you go on that tangent when the only thing it shared with the comment you replied to was words in common?

I really, really quickly skimmed the comments and title then mentally chose the wrong order of "friend/fast/fast/friend".

The flaw in this particular part of the HN mindset is looking at a set of information and thinking you can instantly identify the other person's problem (or that there is one!) and explain/solve it using what you already know.

I think other people might recognize this in their own thinking sometimes too!

I think that's fine, as long as you learn to back down and reconsider the moment someone presents competing information.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#142

Post by cJ0th »

sgustard wrote: post #104
slackingoff2017 wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not. Ah yes, my greatest fear interacting with people confirmed.

That's one of the attachment types referenced in the original article. "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious.E...

Are these types widely acknowledged? To me it looks like the Barnum-effect is at work.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#143

Post by zumu »

Are there really 'high-ego'/'low-ego' individuals? Is it not a spectrum over time? Is it not controllable to some degree?

How is this different than toning down the ego a notch when trying to make platonic friends, while trying to be confident when looking to make romantic partners?

Re: How to make a friend fast

#144

Post by coldtea »

jondubois wrote: post #134
flyGuyOnTheSly wrote: post #94

Makes enough sense to me... If you don't know anything about anybody... like the homeless man rummaging through my recycling bin right now looking for bottles... It's easy to look down on them or just write them off. But if a neighbour told me anything about that same man... perhaps that he lost his job last year and thus just tries to supplement his income by picking up bottles in his spare time... I would feel imme…

Lack of resources can make the kindest, most altruistic person behave in extremely ugly, selfish ways. You don't know who someone is until you see them go through poverty. Also, you don't know who you are yourself until you experience that terrible feeling of scarcity. For me, greed is the worst human attribute. When I see rich people being greedy, I find it hard to imagine how much worse they would be as human being…

>You don't know who someone is until you see them go through poverty.

The inverse is also true: you don't know who someone is until a) they get rich and/or powerful (and change), b) you go to poverty (and e.g. they prove to be only "fair weather friends").

And I would just more harshly someone who reveals themselves to do bad things or be a bad friend when they get rich or when you get poor, than someone doing bad stuff when THEY get poor.

Because desperation can force one to do things they don't want or like (like borrow money and not give it back or even steal), but the others don't have that excuse.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#145

Post by coldtea »

zumu wrote: post #143

Are there really 'high-ego'/'low-ego' individuals? Is it not a spectrum over time? Is it not controllable to some degree? How is this different than toning down the ego a notch when trying to make platonic friends, while trying to be confident when looking to make romantic partners?

>Are there really 'high-ego'/'low-ego' individuals? Is it not a spectrum over time? Is it not controllable to some degree?

Obviously it's a kind of a spectrum, but at the same time, there definitely also are low ego and high ego individuals, whose ego, even if their fluctuates, it remains high or low relative to the average person.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#146

Post by coldtea »

slackingoff2017 wrote: post #84
Mz wrote: post #61

Does that mean that some close, naturally-forming relationships don't get nurtured as lovingly as was achieved in a 45-minute conversation? As one more random data point: I am a chatty extravert. Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not.

> Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not. Ah yes, my greatest fear interacting with people confirmed.

That somebody might feel close? Doesn't sound like a nightmare...

Re: How to make a friend fast

#147

Post by coldtea »

icebraining wrote: post #130
xapata wrote: post #99

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> consider you ... weirdo Unlikely. After all, they'd expect you to act the same way as them -- friendly despite not being a friend.

I think the idea is that you consider that friendly conversation as a start of a friendship whereas the other person doesn't, so it might be awkward when you call them up for a beer or something.

Still, "awkward when you call them up for a beer" is hardly the stuff of nightmares -- or enough to label anyone "socially incompetent weirdo".

You don't need to be best buddies with someone to call them for a beer.

In fact calling a new acquaintance for a beer is how many friendships actually get build.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#148

Post by ascorbic »

cJ0th wrote: post #142
sgustard wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's one of the attachment types referenced in the original article. "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious.E...

Are these types widely acknowledged? To me it looks like the Barnum-effect is at work.

Attachment theory has a sound experimental basis, and is the dominant model used in the study of child behaviour. Its use with adults is less dominant, but is still very much mainstream psychological practice.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#149

Post by Swizec »

thegayngler wrote: post #139
ams6110 wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah I'm not German (except by ancestry) and I get really uncomfortable when conversations go like that. Why is this guy trying to convince me he's such a great dad? What's his angle with that? I would definitely not take something like that as a sincere "personal disclosure" from someone I'd never met. I'd take it as more like a greasy salesman tactic.

Have you ever thought that maybe you may be the one with the personality problem? Why would anyone assume the worst of someone else trying to make a good impression on them? I just try to be as much of myself as I can. No use trying to please people looking to find offense. It's exhausting worrying all of the time about what other people think. It's easier for me to just be myself and make no apologies for it. If the…

FWIW there's a saying that goes: "Never trust someone who is too nice to you"

In fact, there's at least one study that has shown that "those who are highly nice to their peers are more likely to stab them in the back than their less polite counterparts"

ymmv and all that, but there's a fine line between being friendly and coming off as a slimy salesman. Many (most?) people's defenses go waaaay up if you cross that line.

I know people who cultivate the self-disclosure thing and it always comes off as kind of awkward and weird. A little bit forced, you know? Like, this feels very calculated, why are you doing this.

[1] http://vene.ro/betrayal/niculae15betrayal.pdf

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