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I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

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Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#141
OK, first of all: I don't question that this guy turned out to be an asshole and a stalker and that author is a victim.

But I can't help but raise a question of definitions here. He was a stalker for 4 years, not for 12. His behaviour during first years of their relationships wasn't something that I would even remotely call "stalker behaviour". Up until this point:

> I caved and sent him a message asking him to please stop messaging me so much or I’d block him. “Ok. good luck on your quest,” he wrote back three minutes later. “Huh,” I thought. “That was easy.” Then he sent three more angry messages in quick succession and I blocked him on Facebook.

there's literally nothing in the description of his behavior that calls for the term "stalker". (Later — of course).

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#142

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

I've found they also have an amazing ability to make excuses for the behaviors of others. I had an ex who got into a lot of sketchy situations because she refused to believe people were exactly who they were telling her they were. Guys would do inappropriate things that clearly bothered her, but she would claim they were "joking" or believe she misunderstood, etc. etc. So she wouldn't set any boundaries, and of cours…

Of course, in moderation making excuses for others (or rather, putting a positive spin on their actions) can lead for an easier and more stress free life. I have been amazed at times when behaviour from others I have considered unremarkable has been interpreted in any entirely different way by someone else.

For example, a boss I considered to be trying his best is considered by others as an upper management ass-kisser who would back stab any of his team members in a heart beat to get ahead. This is working off the same information as I had. The person holding this view seemed to spend their days in a state of seething resentment, compared to my (blissful) ignorance. They would of course consider me stupidly naive!

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#143
What's with the image overlay. Can't read the text. Is that some sort of art? It looks cool but makes the site unusable. Entire layout seems broken (latest FF, OSX) Edit: seems to be broken on the entire site not just for this article

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#144

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

I've found they also have an amazing ability to make excuses for the behaviors of others. I had an ex who got into a lot of sketchy situations because she refused to believe people were exactly who they were telling her they were. Guys would do inappropriate things that clearly bothered her, but she would claim they were "joking" or believe she misunderstood, etc. etc. So she wouldn't set any boundaries, and of cours…

I had one of those gems too. I now have a deviated septum.

It was in my thirties, and she was hot.

When I realized she went into situations looking for drama; I finally told her to get lost.

I was drinking pretty heavily when I was dating her. I thought she was this misunderstood goth chick. Well, when I stopped drinking, I saw the sutle cues she was giving out. The little coy looks, while I was getting drinks. Actively stretching her neck in order to hear some idiot say anything remotely sexist.

I think she enjoyed the fights I got in over her. She just needed to know she was pretty enough to fight over?

Well--no one is fighting over her anymore. The labial facial lines are deep. The gray is comming through the black die. The magic is gone. Her fiery personality is now just angry, and bitter. Age is a leveler of that beauty asset.

I thought I was the least superficial man in the world. I used to laugh at guys who doted over pretty women. I used to tell girlfriends upfront, "I'm not one of those guys who momma will like. I wish I was more like your other boyfriends?" I thought I was in charge. Thought?

Boy, I was wrong. And I have a nasal cavity to prove it. She was an anomaly though. I never had this problem(defending thy maidens honor) with anyone else. She definetly had me fooled, or my drinking blinded me from seeing the person she really was?

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#145

"When I got a Facebook account in 2006 he found me again and, not wanting to be rude, I accepted his friend request." It's hard to understand why, having previously already blocked this person elsewhere, they would accept a friend request from them. I suppose now, 10 years later, one can hope that people exact greater control over their online social networks.

Firstly I'd like to state that there's no justification for what this guy is doing. Making somebody's life intentionally and persistently miserable can have no justification.

The story basically starts with a boy falling in love with a girl that won't love him back. She's still using interaction with him for her purposes though. Then the boy grows into a man and his addiction to a person gets deformed into addiction to harming this person in non-violent ways. That's what happens to some people. Happens in marriages too. If teenagers are weird adults are way weirder.

I went similar route. I had it easier than this guy. I fell in love at the age of 16 (so later than him). I already had one episode of unrequited love earlier (probably around age of 12) which was extremely wisely ended by my love interest and friend by cutting all (and I mean all) contact with me when she learned about it.

This second girl I spent about 7 years addicted to. I was her friend. Even after she learned that I'm in love with her she still kept me around. Used me for comfort. Used me even as a rebound when she needed to ditch her second boyfriend whom she loved but who apparently got bored with her (in my state of mind I was more than happy to help).

Who knew how it all would end if I haven't made conscious decision to cut all contact. It was really hard. It took a year of manually steering away my thoughts from her. I had to vilify in my mind the person I loved. I had to ignore all pings from her (fortunately it was before Facebook, so just emails and texts) which fortunately wasn't that many of. When you are an addict every dose is something you need to be very careful about. She had new boyfriend at the time so she eventually forgot me and my brain formed mental scar tissue around pathways carved over the previous 7 years. I got comfortable, even happy. I met a girl who loved me and moved in with her (fortunately didn't get addicted again).

10 years later I meet object of my addiction on the street 100 meters from my new home where I live now. She's with another man, she's pregnant. She just accidentally lives in my neighborhood. I'm scared shitless. Fortunately I haven't met her again. I have no idea if she moved or still lives around. I don't get out much. She made one more attempt to contact me (through Facebook because I accepted her friend request, because everyone has capacity to be stupid occasionally). I answered with "?" She responded with something with something about staying at home with child broadening horizons. I responded with image that basically implies that she finds her child boring. Which she somewhat acknowledged and fortunately haven't contacted me ever since.

I can imagine many points in my history when I might have turned into a stalker. If I was more lonely, had less support from my family, was less intelligent, was less introspective, had less knowledge or interest in psychology, had less awareness about how my feelings are not necessarily my identity... It could have turned ugly for everybody.

Brother of my mother was an alcoholic. I might be prone to addiction. I binge watch series. I binge game. I'm addicted to news. But I'm also addicted to learning new things and to figuring why stuff doesn't work when it should. The only addiction that severely harmed me was to a person. But I see I lucked out when I read stories like these.

Issue of stalking is real and I hope in the future there'll be a lot more research about this and that efficient ways to mitigate this will be developed. I think whatever the solution is it involves stalker getting psychological or psychiatric help.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#146

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Um how is the "societal pressure" not to be rude different for women and men? In general people try not to be rude. Not only because of societal pressure, but also to avoid escalation of conflicts. What is different is that women get asked out a lot more than men, so maybe they are more often confronted with the task of rejecting somebody. There is no indication here that being rude would have prevented the stalking.

> Um how is the "societal pressure" not to be rude different for women and men? Where to begin? A rude man might be described as "tough", "assertive", or "confident". What would a rude woman be described as? Moreover, what constituted rudeness for a man? How about for a woman? See the double standard?

No, a rude man is typically described as rude or as being an asshole. And women can be tough, assertive and confident, too.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#147
post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Um how is the "societal pressure" not to be rude different for women and men? In general people try not to be rude. Not only because of societal pressure, but also to avoid escalation of conflicts. What is different is that women get asked out a lot more than men, so maybe they are more often confronted with the task of rejecting somebody. There is no indication here that being rude would have prevented the stalking.

They are more often confronted with the task of rejecting somebody... ...who might attack them . When your experience of "rejecting" someone includes having been subject to verbal, or even physical abuse, you learn very quickly to dissemble, dodge the question, and otherwise avoid confrontation. Don't think it happens? Ask your girlfriend, or your sister, or any other woman in your life. After you've heard their stor…

I have been screamed at by women, too (for example once I asked one who was struggling with a vending machine if I could help her). As I said - in general we try to be polite to prevent escalation of things.

And it doesn't sound from the story as if the girl agreed to meet for dinner because she feared an abusive response otherwise.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, in specific cases this might be the right answer. However we have to say "No, rule of law, blah blah" because we don't want everyone doing it or we're back to a tribal society with vendettas and blood-feuds.

A society that will not take intimidation and threats to someone's livelihood seriously has already regressed to the level of tribal societies with vendettas and blood-feuds.

It's hyperbole to compare the median person's experience in the US to that of the median person in Afghanistan or Pakistan.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#149

Seems like a great opportunity for a company that "bounty hunts" cyberstalkers - tracks them down then physically intimidates them for you.

I know you are probably getting down-voted into oblivion, but I'm with you.

There are already services like this, they just don't have an LLC or an App :-)

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#150

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

> Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist.

Here we go again. Somebody pointing out gender bias is blamed for being sexist.

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