Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#131

Post by ncr100 » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:52 PM UTC

koonsolo wrote: post #84

Getting dumped by your partner can really crush your ego as a man. Don't worry, it will get better. The hardest thing for me was that I still loved her, but of course rationally didn't want to (mother of my 3 kids). One trick I used was to disconnect the real person with the person I loved. This allowed me to still love the person in my head, but not the real one (sounds stupid but it really worked). Basically "the p…

The difficulty comes when this is a life-pattern, established as a child before the OP was equipped to moderate the ups and downs of relationships.

It won't get better. That is appearing to be the concern of the OP.

IMO the OP needs to be supported and nurtured during this transition. So, finding self-care anywhere they can is the advice I'd say. And for the long-term, advice from a therapist can help train their child-mind to better handle this dynamic life.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#132

Post by royaltjames » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:53 PM UTC

cyberge99 wrote: post #83

superdug wrote: post #30

Hello internet friend, As others have mentioned, you are arguably not as close to rock bottom as one can be. I hit rock bottom when I lost my home, my job, my ability to walk, was on assistance and bought my groceries with food stamps. How I got to rock bottom is a story for a meeting. I found solace in recovery. Recovery is different for everyone as is rock bottom. Therefore if you feel you've lost more than you wer…

Fantastic post. I would also add possibly seeking a support group of/for his peers. I’m friends with Bill.

It works if you work it

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#133

Post by ianai » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:55 PM UTC

ncr100 wrote: post #115

ianai wrote: post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

@ianai: The POSTER is talking about being under-prepared for integrating their emotions into their lives, and NOT in the "life goal" sense. "[I am a] broken pile of glass" != "[I need to hear about the] job market" kind of situation. As I read their posting, it's more of a "help me develop my emotional intelligence."

Which still sounds pretty normal for a last year of phd. Freedom and autonomy from the burden await past the degree.

Deep psychological work is going to take longer than a year, cost $$$$, could be fleeting, and clearly not going to finish the degree in a year.

Or quit the program and start a new life. But I’d strongly advise OP first honestly discuss that with their mentors.

Life absolutely will go on and the market will find a place for OPs work in either direction.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#134

Post by ncr100 » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:56 PM UTC

prhn wrote: post #13

I'd agree with some other comments here that you are pretty far away from rock bottom. Rock bottom is a complete dismantling of your life. Failed relationships (romantic, friendly, professional, etc), lost job, bills piling up, apartment a disaster, inability to build a mental model that can cope with your current situation. It looks more like you're in a relative minimum. From what I understand about psychology a he…

I'd avoid the comment that "you are pretty far away from rock bottom" - because it does not help the OP.

Like, "Really? Criticize them?" That is why I'd avoid it.

Everything else written about "takes time" @prhn is great and healthy IMO.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#135

Post by parentheses » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:58 PM UTC

Journaling, meditation and exercise. Those have always helped to center me and reinvigorate my inner alignment.

I use journaling to analyze my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It’s a tool for putting myself under a microscope. Often tough questions can become much easier to answer.

Meditation is powerful. I can’t fully articulate what it does for me but it improves my self worth and allows me to interrupt negative thought loops (which is what I call your situation).

The journaling pairs nicely with meditation as I discover earlier and earlier triggers of bad thoughts via journaling. Then I preempt them via mindfulness - the skill cultivated while meditating.

Finally, exercise is key for healthy body chemistry. It contributes to healthier mind, leading to better progress.

I don’t do these things as often as I should but when I do I feel great about everything and I feel more myself at the same time.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#136

Post by ncr100 » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:59 PM UTC

batch12 wrote: post #78

Hi. Feel free to ignore all of this. I hope this helps (selfishly, it helped me a bit to type). I see comments that are giving good advice. Some are suggesting that what you are feeling isn't rock bottom. In my opinion, whether or not that is true doesn't matter. Reality filters through the lens of your mind. If you feel that this is the case, it is. To you. I have been, and still go through, the same things. Because…

From "issues trusting people" => ∞-smart emotionally intelligent response - applauding you @batch12

Adding to this, OP: you are not alone. +1 more.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#137

Post by mettamage » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:59 PM UTC

crazygringo wrote: post #89

> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist. Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody…

Damn! Favoriting this comment, thanks for the lesson. Might become handy later in life :)

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#138

Post by viburnum » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 5:00 PM UTC

crazygringo wrote: post #89

> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist. Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody…

This is good advice. Many therapists are one-trick ponies. For example, talking about trauma for three years won’t help you if your real problem is undiagnosed ADHD. Some challenges require ongoing help from a therapist (borderline personality etc) but otherwise if you’re not seeing rapid improvement they’re not helping, and might be making things worse.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#139

Post by ncr100 » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 5:01 PM UTC

anonreeeeplor wrote: post #76

You are probably eating a lot of food with zero nutritional value and many of your problems might magically seem to disappear if you are naturally relaxed and eating properly. If you are like me, I spent decades in your state. And then I magically noticed that when I eat food that actually has vitamins and minerals and take mineral supplements all these crazy anxieties become manageable. If you are taking on all thes…

"You are what you eat", as a guiding health metaphor applies to your mentality, in my experience.

EAT: good thoughts. Positive framing of negative circumstances.

As an adult, you can really only count on yourself always being there for you. So, "feed your thoughts" with healthy food.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#140

Post by jyapayne » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 5:04 PM UTC

If your parents were narcissistic with you since you were little, you likely suffered from childhood emotional neglect.

I am reading an excellent book on this topic called "Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect " by Jonnice Webb.

To determine if you might be suffering from it, an excerpt from the book:

“Emotional Neglect Questionnaire

Do You:

1. Sometimes feel like you don’t belong when with your family or friends

2. Pride yourself on not relying upon others

3. Have difficulty asking for help

4. Have friends or family who complain that you are aloof or distant

5. Feel you have not met your potential in life

6. Often just want to be left alone

7. Secretly feel that you may be a fraud

8. Tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations

9. Often feel disappointed with, or angry at, yourself

10. Judge yourself more harshly than you judge others

11. Compare yourself to others and often find yourself sadly lacking

12. Find it easier to love animals than people

13. Often feel irritable or unhappy for no apparent reason

14. Have trouble knowing what you’re feeling

15. Have trouble identifying your strengths and weaknesses

16. Sometimes feel like you’re on the outside looking in

17. Believe you’re one of those people who could easily live as a hermit

18. Have trouble calming yourself

19. Feel there’s something holding you back from being present in the moment

20. At times feel empty inside

21. Secretly feel there’s something wrong with you

22. Struggle with self-discipline

Look back over your circled (YES) answers. These answers give you a window into the areas in which you may have experienced Emotional Neglect as a child.”