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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#121

Post by SkyBelow »

babadabada wrote: post #80
kempbellt wrote: post #67

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code This may reflect your subjective experience, but I have had a different experience and would (kindly) give you the heads up that this is a borderline sexist generalization. I've met women in the industry that are just as capable as nerding out over new tech as I am - even if it hasn't been very common (in my experience).

I'm a young woman in tech. I am happy to confirm that "since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code" is in fact some sexist bullshit.

How?

Most people don't want to talk code. Thus, given a demographic breakdown that relates neither positively nor negatively with talking code, one can assume the general pattern applies.

Most old people don't want to talk code.

Most young people don't want to talk code.

Most left handed people don't want to talk code.

None of these are discriminating. They are stating that a pattern true of the general population also applies to a demographic partition of the population.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#122

Post by criddell »

allovernow wrote: post #45

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of c…

> I don't think any of these self help references can really solve this problem, short of advising one to be "more open", which really means force interest in uninteresting topics.

It isn't all about you.

Are there any topics that are uninteresting when it's something that's of interest to a person you care about? The answer may be yes and that's fine. In that case if you care about that person you are still going to want to encourage and support their pursuit of that interest. Diversity of interest is a healthy thing.

I've found that just about anything is pretty interesting once you peel back the surface and try to understand how it works.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#123

Post by Jasp3r »

spodek wrote: post #44

This community consistently poo-poos MBAs and business people who, it says, don't contribute and just shuffle paper or find ways to lay people off. I felt that way when I started my first company, finishing my physics degree. I figured, I helped launch a satellite, I can do what we needed. A couple patents later, we got our first funding and I knew how to solve what problems came our way. I could break down any probl…

"Everyone who has bought my book, loved it" - guy selling book

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#124

Post by username90 »

saagarjha wrote: post #64
username90 wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The ability to partition work into independent chunks is way more important than social skills when you work as a software engineer with other software engineers. Then they can work on their things and you can work on yours with little need for further communication. And don't come saying that divvying up technical tasks is a social skill, it really isn't.

At some point your work needs to interact with other people's.

If you don't understand what technical information they need to do their job then you lack technical skills. If you don't understand what technical information you need to request from others then you lack technical skills. If you can't write them down or express them in words you lack technical skills. If you can do those things then you can work with others and be productive.

You might not be fit for a career in sales but that is not what we are discussing. The only major "social skill" you need is the ability to not offend or inconvenience others. This part is not very hard and doesn't need repeating as much as people do it.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#125

Post by gherkinnn »

wisty wrote: post #43

Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a…

Yes. That’s why I find dev.to and to be a rather uninteresting place.

It’s 90% niceties and explaining .map over and over again.

Similar things can be observed in many meetups and some companies. Everything is awesome. Everybody is nice. People shy away from deciding anything. Even the simple act of two people wanting to go through the same door at the same time is an impossible conundrum.

No matter how important psychological safety is (and it really is), a constant state of coddling serves nobody.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#126

Post by [deleted] »

therealcamino wrote: post #85
x2f10 wrote: post #79

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> or someone who reads. Can you please elaborate? I don't follow.

Often, mispronouncing a word means you've seen it in print, but haven't heard it said aloud. So I've heard some people say that they mentally frame it not as an embarrassing mistake but as a sign that the speaker reads a lot.

[deleted]

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#127

Post by username90 »

lisper wrote: post #114
Madmallard wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What would you say is the right behavior in that situation, then?

"I have no idea what guys want. Every guy is different. And it's not just you: there are seven billion people in the world, and some of them are not going to be into you no matter who you are. But among those seven billion there are also going to be some who like you for who you are, so don't give up. But be careful about falling into the trap of being gloomy because you think you're never going to find someone, beca…

> Then give her a hug.

Don't do this if you are bad at reading people.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#128

Post by SkyBelow »

gowld wrote: post #46
twoquestions wrote: post #30

I fundamentally disagree with the thesis of the "Overcoming Fear and Social Anxiety" page. For example, laugh at a dongle joke in front of a journalist or some other influencer who's sneaky with a camera and a million followers, your career is over, if not your life depending on how nuts their followers are. Nearly everyone you meet is out to get you, and a social misstep is a fabulous casus belli. We're all politici…

Corrections: In that incident: * the "influencer" was fired from their job because of their public troll behavior * the laugher was not fired (and was publicly supported by their CEO * the joke-teller was fired for something shortly after the incident, but the CEO and the joke-teller won't say exactly what the justificaiton for the firing was. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5398681

>the joke-teller was fired for something shortly after the incident, but the CEO and the joke-teller won't say exactly what the justificaiton for the firing was

Past experience tells me it was most likely because of the event in question and they have their own reasons for not talking (specifically, joke-teller probably doesn't have definite proof and doesn't want another black mark for bad mouthing a previous employer, for which they get no benefit).

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#129

Post by downerending »

twoquestions wrote: post #30

I fundamentally disagree with the thesis of the "Overcoming Fear and Social Anxiety" page. For example, laugh at a dongle joke in front of a journalist or some other influencer who's sneaky with a camera and a million followers, your career is over, if not your life depending on how nuts their followers are. Nearly everyone you meet is out to get you, and a social misstep is a fabulous casus belli. We're all politici…

This is put a bit darkly and being downvoted into the dust, but I think there's a kernel of truth here. Through my career, I've tried hard to be helpful to women and minorities, and never really considered the possible risks. But I also realize that I'm a rather socially awkward person, and whereas in the past a dumb comment might have drawn an eyeroll, these days it could easily be job-ending, and even have permanent consequences to my career.

I've noticed that Chinese citizens in my workplace play their cards extremely close to the vest, not discussing non-work issues, and indeed rarely speaking or expressing suggestions at all. I admire them, and this seems like good practice in 2019.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#130

Post by lawn »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

I've started to ask my girlfriend if "she wants me to solve her problem" or just "want me to listen" quite often. If you tend to fall into this trap, like I do, I can really recommend this approach.
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